Why do kids dare each other?

Question

My son (15) has always been very susceptible to being dared. To my knowledge, he has never turned one down. Without going into too much detail, the dares are getting more extreme as he gets older. I'm wondering how to help him resist, and I think it would be helpful to understand why kids dare each other and what stops most kids from accepting an unreasonable dare. Any insight would be appreciated.

Answer 1

Psychologist Gordon Neufeld usually talks about a phenomenon he calls peer orientation (as opposed to adult orientation, which he thinks should be, but to a decreasing extent is, the norm), which is the process by which kids look to peers in their own age group for identity, culture and a moral compass.

While I personally don't share all of Neufeld's views on exactly how problematic this is, I do think he has valid points when it comes to explaining the dynamics of peer pressure and destructive group dynamics.

In his view, this peer orientation means that children attach to each other the way they preferentially should to a parent. And this child to child relationship simply lacks some of the qualities that a parent-child relationship usually has. Crucially, a parent-child relationship is usually a safe place, where the child can make mistakes without fear of being cast out, and be loved for whoever they are. In contrast, the peer group will accept you only as long as you conform, and any misstep can lead to exclusion, which Neufeld means is just as hurtful to the peer oriented child as would be a parent withdrawing their love to an adult oriented child.

The characteristics of the peer relationship, then, fosters suppression of emotion and vulnerability, in a negative spiral. The peers cannot express love for one another, as that would expose them as vulnerable. For fear of rejection, the closest tool they have is to define in-groups by excluding the out-group. Your lack of being bullied means you are accepted. This fear of vulnerability, then, fosters exactly the masculinity that can't pass down a dare. To not dare would be seen as a weakness. To go against the expectations of the peer group would risk exclusion and ridicule. And to exert themselves, in order to momentarily feel more secure in their being accepted in the group, the stakes of what you must show off are piled ever higher.

I think this is an accurate description of the why, which you ask for. Neufeld has his own ideas of the how to stop it in his book "Hold on to your kids" which I find sometimes a bit excessive. But I think the effective antidote would be a massive boost of his sense of self worth. To make him know he's loved and accepted no matter what course of actions he chooses to take. And counter-intuitively, I think that also in the peer group, the ability to reject a dare, if he can pull it off with high self-esteem, would actually secure his position in the group. Few teenagers will accept that dare, though.