teens nagging at each others

Question

The kids of my GF, 14 and 11 respectively, have that annoying tendancy to nag at each other when night time is coming. Teen girl likes to pout and teenage boy thinks himself as some kind of prima donna that like to be respected.

Please find the kind of scene/play, I'm witnessing

TB: Let me show you, the pictures I've taken from entertainement park

TG: Oh this is the rabbit I draw (she goes to the screen and point that out to us)

TB: TG! Are these your pics or mine? Do you want to show them or should I???

Another example:

Mom: Let me do a charade

TG: Oh! I know this charade! I give you the answer

TB: No! Me first!

TG is unhappy and pouts

Other example:

TB: Hey TG, are you ok?

TG will not answer because she pouts due to sensitiveness over different topics

Luckily, they don't do it often but when they do, I'm at loss at what I should say if I should say anything. Usually, I'm taking a back seat and it is like I'm having to endure a bad play, a funny bad play I would say but still a bad play.

My aim is to get minimal peace of mind when I'm arriving at home, but if I want that minimal peace of mind, I have to intervene (or I think I do). One of my belief is I should intervene only if their behaviour are going out of hands and that they should find a way to deal with their issues or simply to be able to behave properly, despite the tiredness/emotional upheaval.

I'm bit at loss between strict authoritarian rule and too much laissez faire. I know the limit is between the two but I could not find my balance yet. I know that their mum should be doing the discpline but she has more of a friend's attitude toward them and sometimes just sometimes, she has a all or nothing attitude, yell or unconditional love.

I'm also a bit at loss because, well , it is a teenage boy and also a teenage girl

Most likely, my question will be very much opinion based but to be honest, your insights are more than welcome as I'm learning parenthood and hopefully, becoming a decent one.

Thanks.

Answer 1

There's a few considerations here. First and foremost is that you aren't their Dad, you're their mother's boyfriend. This means parenting strategy is her responsibility and not yours, and you need to take your cues from her. If you step in and start trying to parent them it might cause friction between you and her. Take her lead, she knows them better than you anyway.

You need to ask yourself what you want out of the relationship with these kids. Do you want to be their dad, or just to help out occasionally? What are your GF's expectations? Get the first straight in your head before you talk to your GF about this. You are not their father and its entirely fair if you don't want to be. If you are in this for the long haul with your GF and see being life partners then you will end up being these kids stepfather though, and you need to start thinking about what kind of dad you want to be.

So talk to her about it, tell her your concerns and ask how she wants to play it. If she wants you to be a father figure to them then you need to develop a partnership with a strategy. Then she needs to tell the kids that they need to listen to you and that you have authority.

If you are going to be a dad you need to be realistic about it and start slowly. You can't go from 0 to dad instantly, parenting is a skill and requires judgement and experience. Build a model in your head about how you want to be as a parent and work your way to it. You'll make plenty of mistakes, learn from them and move on.

If all you want is some peace and quiet then you may have to revise your expectations a bit. You have 2 kids at difficult ages, they have lots of hormones coursing through their veins and at the same time they want to stop being kids and start becoming adults, but they don't really know what that means. It's not easy for them or you, so you have to develop a certain zen about it. Try to be patient and understanding and teach them life skills. Set expectations of behavior with penalties and rewards.