How to deal with a stubborn but brilliant child?

Question

I have 2 boys, aged 6 years and 4 years respectively. This concern is regarding the younger one. He has been very stubborn since birth. But on the other hand, I believe he is very brilliant and has a lot of potentials. Started speaking at a very early age and is very creative and active. Always trying to find something. There is no place left to hide things which he doesn't know of or discovers by himself. Moreover, he can create incredible stories by himself and narrates them.

He started kindergarten this year and until now have not made any friends. Today I spoke with his class teacher and she said that he speaks only with her and doesn't communicate with any other teacher. Eats food by himself and doesn't share with anybody. Have not made any friends. The teacher asked him many times about his best friend, he pointed to a girl but he never spoke with that girl. The teacher made him sit with the girl but he doesn't speak with her. Maybe he just likes her :-)

Each night he tells us that he doesn't want to go to school and cries. The teacher also told that he cries especially when he arrives in the morning. The reason is that he wants to meet his elder brother who is in Grade 1. Both travel by bus at the same time but the classes end at different times, so they come separately to home.

We convince him to go to school on a daily basis saying that there is a salad day or color day or we are going to put something special in the lunch box. During competitions at school like individual or group rhyme competition, he just says that he doesn't want to participate. During playtime, the kids are taken to the playroom, he just stands outside and says that he needs his brother.

At home, he is good, always playing around with his brother and cousins. I usually take them to a play area at least 3 times weekly and he plays nicely on all the toy cars but he is always with his brother.

What I felt is that if he is able to make friends at school, then the school would be more enjoyable to him. Maybe he just misses his brother. I was thinking of taking them both separately to the play area on alternate days just to make them used to each other's absence. Is he trying to seek attention? Or any other issues which I am not able to understand? Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.

Answer 1

You describe your son as "stubborn but brilliant", and I'll take you at your word there. Children who are exceptionally gifted sometimes have trouble very similar to what you describe sometimes:

• Difficulty relating to their peers
• Prefers to talk to older children or adults only
• Challenges fitting into new environments, anxious
• Prefers to set the rules

You might read more on behaviors of preschool aged gifted children to see if that matches what you see in your child. If it does, then you should avail yourself of the many resources available to parents of exceptionally gifted children, such as the National Association for Gifted Children, the Davidson Institute, or your local state/country resources (most US states have something, similar to the Minnesota link above).

Regardless, your child may simply need some time to adjust to the school. What he needs from you are the tools to deal with the situation: help understanding his own feelings, help recognizing what's going on, and help knowing what he can do to handle the situation.

My oldest (now 8) had a very hard time fitting into new environments as a younger child. Our approach focused on identifying the pain points, requirements gathering, and deploying solutions. We treated it just like an adult, business problem, in other words. Our son was intelligent enough to understand these levels of discussion, to recognize that there were problems in need of solutions, and ultimately took what he could from the discussions to develop his own tools for success.

It wasn't always easy - he often didn't want to participate in the discussion and/or wasn't able to fully explain - but often just having the discussion and providing the tools for what we thought might be happening was enough.