How do I deal with communication issues with my 5 year-old son?

Question

I am 29 and the mother of two boys, aged 5 years and 2 months respectively. I am facing a behavioural issue with my elder one. He’s very stubborn and throws tantrums whenever he’s told to do something. He’s noisy and a hyperactive kid (this bit is sometimes embarrassing as well when in public) and I have to run after him like 24/7 to keep things under control. He keeps on repeating the same questions hundreds of times and I try to answer them like 90 times, but if I refused to answer he usually start shouting. He’s loud and noisy and gives no attention when told to keep his voice low. He’s been spoiled by me and family a lot in beginning but now he’s not in good relation with anyone. Like he comes from school and prefers to go to his room than to say Hi to all. Also he’s giving me a tough time in potty training, too. He’s trained for wee but for poo he’s not cooperating at all. I have tried scolding, threatening and treating methods but none seems to work. He prefers to dirty his undies and later wash them himself (as punishment) than to tell me and do it in loo. I can’t say he's scared or hesitant of using a loo cx rarely do accidents with wee.

He’s sometimes very reasonable, looks after his younger brother, makes his bed and cleans the room, but these episodes are very short and rare. He’s also very picky with food. 3/4 thing out of the whole world he eats.

What should I do to make him a little calm and responsive in a good way? I feel bad when someone tries to talk to him or asks him for some help and he always refuses and never communicates in a good way.

Answer 1

That sounds a bit like my oldest at the same age. I recommend taking a long look at what's causing the problem behavior more than the symptoms themselves. Sensory overload can be a factor, especially if the child has some underlying sensory integration or hyperactivity issues.

Start with time-outs. The rule of thumb is one minute for each year of the child's age. Sit him in a spot where he has no toys. Do NOT engage for the duration of the time-out. Continued yelling should result in an extension of the time-out. You'll likely see a short-term increase in the problem behavior. This is called an "extinction burst." It's normal and, if you are consistent with the punishment, will pass.

Get him evaluated by a child psychologist. If he does have nay ADHD or sensory integration issues learning now will help you down the road. If he does have issues, get training in how to help "set him up for success." Many educational facilities that specialize in helping kids with things like ADHD also offer classes or training for the parents of the kids.