What to do about a 5-year-old girl being violent and insulting?

Question

I have a 5-year-old daughter and an 8-year-old son. My daughter is normally a sweet, passionate, and loving child. There are no problems in school at all.

Lately, she has started being violent physically and verbally to me when she gets reprimanded or put in time out. I put her in her room and she proceeds to hit the door and scream at the top of her lungs. I have been making the mistake of going in there when she does this. Last night, she said she wanted to kill me. She hits herself in the head (lightly, of course) and also says she wants to be dead. My other mistake is I let this get to me and started crying, she fed off that too.

I realize this may be a phase. I know that when I respond she is getting attention, so if I stop am I just supposed to let her scream and bang the door? My husband is done with everything, he's fed up and has no more patience left. Any advice?

Answer 1

There's something going on here, and it's your job to figure it out. :-/ That's usually best done by talking once the child is calm. But there are a lot of things you can try to improve the immediate situation.

Hitting, kicking and screaming are not "OK" behaviors in response to anger. Neither is your distress. This is just a behavior, like thumb sucking or crying when a child doesn't get what they want. Try to remember that, even if the words are extreme and painful.

Anger is not usually a primary emotion (some will argue that point.) Usually it's a secondary emotion; it gives the person an outlet which feels more effective than identifying the underlying hurt (or the primary emotion) and talking about it. But talking about things is what's necessary to get your child to understand her emotions and to control them.

The first step in talking effectively with your child is to give her a rich emotional vocabulary¹ that she really understands. A 5 year old can understand frustrated, unimportant, ignored, unloved, lonely, overwhelmed, etc. (There are lots of positive feeling words as well.) Naming a feeling is necessary to deal with a feeling.

When a child is misbehaving, my way of dealing with it was to remind them of what behaviors are and are not acceptable (these have to be discussed ahead of time, as do the consequences.) If the child received a warning about the behavior and they did not exert self control (the ultimate goal), they got a time out. (My favorite book on time outs was 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phalen. One of the things I loved about it was that arguing is dispensed with entirely; a parent can remain quite detached from the child's behavior. The counting also gave the child a chance to reconsider their behavior. If they stopped before reaching three, they got a sticker, which was redeemable for something desirable (the more involved, the more stickers needed. But have things they could earn with just a few stickers, too. Small Lego sets were an option for us.)

Time outs began when the child was quiet (wherever, e.g. in their room), i.e. if they are kicking and screaming, their time out didn't start yet. Just a reminder that their time out hasn't started yet is all the involvement you need to have (I would let her kick and scream. If she damages something, I would have her help repair it at a later time.) When they've quieted down, start the timer and let them know. That's it; no arguing, no "punishments", no drama. After the time out, or as soon as convenient, you have a discussion about the child's feelings. Let them know their feelings are very important to you, and let them find security in your unconditional love (which does not mean you tolerate bad behavior. Discuss alternate ways they can deal with their feelings. Do some role playing.

This might just be a phase, or something could be triggering it. You need to look for patterns which might suggest what the problem is and how to best deal with it. But talk, and remain open to what your daughter has to say.

Sorry this is so long. :-/

_{1 These lists - and activities to reinforce them - are easy to find on the Internet.}

Answer 2

I would immediately contact my pediatrician for an appointment so he can refer her to a psychiatrist and a counselor. Stay away from untrained people; they are not what you need now.

This is very unusual for a five-year-old, and the longer it continues, the harder it will be to correct. In the meantime, you must remain calm and in control of your own emotions. Try to avoid situations where this behavior is triggered. Just as you wouldn't punish her to cure a fever, you can't punish her to cure mental or emotional health problems.

(I have a child with anxiety issues. It's a medical issue, not a moral failing. It needs to be treated as a medical issue.)

Answer 3

Lately she has started being violent physically and verbally to me when she gets reprimanded or put in time out.... She is normally a sweet, passionate, and loving child. There are no problems in school at all.

Doctors like to be informed when there is a big change such as the one you have described. So, if you haven't put your daughter's doctor in the picture about what's going on, this would be a great place to start. When you're making the appointment, you could say, for example, "We've seen a drastic change in her behavior and personality over the past (x weeks or months)."

In the meantime, I would suggest that you think about things this way: your daughter is clearly going through some kind of personal crisis (although we don't understand what's causing it yet). This would be a good time to sift through your expectations and thin them waay out, so that you rarely, if ever, have to give her a time out or reprimand her. Try to set things up in such a way that you can honestly find something to give her sincere positive feedback about every day. (It doesn't have to be effusive.)

The basic idea is to try to limit the feedback you give her to the positive kind, over the short term, at least. Catch her in the act of doing some sort of desired behavior, and give her positive feedback for that.

Edit:

I just realized I misread your daughter's age, and was assuming she is currently 8, but now I noticed she is actually 5.

For age 5, a lengthy time-out in the bedroom can feel intolerable. Once you get out of this crisis, and are ready to institute time-outs again, take a look at my approach, which I wrote up here: https://parenting.stackexchange.com/a/19585/14336