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My 4 year old daughter is perfectly potty trained (with no accidents) since last June. She wears a diaper at night. Lately she wants to wear a diaper all day because her best friend has regressed. She is also a 'deeply feeling' child and is extraordinarily attached to this notion of babyhood. I've tried explaining to her that wearing underwear doesn't mean she is not a baby anymore etc. But either way she is a sensitive one and everyone can see that. However, I've started/attempted to maintain boundaries - no diapers or pull ups during daytime and only at night. It is not working - she won't go out without them, she will cry hysterically. Now when she is hysterical, she starts to scratch herself (no marks) or she tries stuff that shift my attention from the diaper issue at hand to her mental/physical health. Then I have to relent. Should we seek a counselor? Because whatever this is - rage, anxiety, or manipulation - is a bit scary!? I fear that our confrontations are making her more attached to diapers and less trusting of us. I've lost my temper in the past weeks, then cooled down and have tried to let her have her 'moment' while staying in the room, tried talking nicely but firmly. I fear I've not been consistent but I also feel that her extreme reaction (self-harming?) is problematic? Also she is still breastfed and is very attached to me, and I can see any rift between us causes her heartache. I am so confused! :(

P.s: she doesn't have random triggers for tantrums - but she has 3 or 4 things that she is fixated on. Other non-negotiables in the past have been winterwears and playdates (she doesn't like them), she likes to dress herself, she likes to stay in character for days at an end. These areas can lead to meltdowns. Otherwise, she eats well, she is healthy, she is funny, imaginative,and has a fantastic memory.

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    I don't have enough for a full answer, but taking time to enter into her world and either let her say the words, or help her learn the words to express herself. From her perspective, whatever loss she is experiencing, it literally is the greatest loss in her life because she hasn't been around that long. If you enter her perspective, it becomes far less irritating as you walk alongside your child when they go through their emotions. Whatever their reason is, they're usually not malicious enough to "deliberately do this to piss you off". Those that are... you need to get professional help.
    – Nelson
    Commented Feb 16 at 3:56
  • Are you able to engage her in "baby" role play that doesn't involve diapers? Rocking her like a baby, singing lullabies? Can she describe what about not being a baby is making her sad/anxious?
    – R Davies
    Commented Feb 16 at 8:38
  • Thank you for your comments. @nelson - thanks for that perspective! yes, it must be so hard for her - i just feel conflicted over 'maintaining boundaries as a parent for her' and if allowing her to go back to her windel would actually help her? She is a child and i get it - but i am terrified of not being able to set boundaries for her that she needs and also damaging her. @R Davies No she is unable to express exactly what about being a baby she loves or will miss. She gets rocked and sung to - but maybe I can try other things?She is low-key insecure around other smaller babies.
    – Olg
    Commented Feb 16 at 9:04

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Make sure your communicating well with her - have long talks about her needs, try to figure out what's driving the behaviors. It could help to have others observe or engage with her as well, maybe a therapist.

Ensure you're giving her as much touch and affection as she needs, as when she was more 'babylike'.

Try setting a clear timeline. Get buy-in on a timeline, like how about you wear the pullups for 1 more week, then we're switching to normal clothes. Remind at 5, 3, 2, 1 days out.

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