Can a son share a bed with his girlfriend, at 27?

Question

Your son is 27 and due to financial problems, you've invited him to move home. His 30 year old girlfriend is coming to stay. Should you oppose them sharing his double bed during her visit?

This question involves much older people than most others, but, I feel it is very much related to parenting, since, this behaviour isn't shared by wider society/friends/relatives.

I ask because my parents are asking (if not telling) me to sleep on the floor downstairs. Am I unreasonable to expect both us and my folks to respect personal space?

None of us are religious and I'm unsure of the origin of their concerns.

How would you handle this discussion? My parents and I have an otherwise happy relationship.

Answer 1

I see two aspects in this, summed up in these words:

• on one side, the son is a guest and should respect the house rules and/or the wishes of the hosts,
• on the other side, the parents are making a rather silly demand on their son because he is no longer legally underage and doesn't need to be supervised.

In the end, the parents are the hosts, and therefore their rules are final. But it is worth a try to discuss these rules before accepting them!

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This son and his girlfriend are adults. They will be expected to know how to behave themselves (or be quiet about it). For this to be a problem in the first place, it seems to me that the parents have some issues that need to be either addressed, accepted (sleep on the floor), or knowingly ignored (hotel, or sneak upstairs after lights-out).

If I were that son, I'd present my arguments to my parents in the hope to convince them to let me share a room (and bed) with my girlfriend. Frankly, if the parents can't handle two grown-up guests sharing a bed in their house, then the son should take his girlfriend to a nearby hotel for the night. This would likely not be popular with the parents, but that's their problem.

If I were those parents, I'd have to realize that we have control issues. Our son is a grown man, and we need to accept that. We could discreetly request him to keep his hands above the covers while he's a guest in this house. But come on -- demanding him to sleep on the floor is nothing short of silly.

Answer 2

None of us are religious and I'm unsure of the origin of their concerns.

Well, then go an ask them. There are a few completely different things that may be going on here:

1. They feel that it's really not a good thing that you are 27 and living at home. They try encourage you to get a decent job and a place of your own by making your stay awkward.
2. They may have a rather irrational conception that "one does not do this". I have no idea where it comes from but I have seen it frequently in US parents (much less in Europe). Pretty much all our kid's girl/boyfriend's parents display this. Although the kids are of age, in long term stable relationships and have places on their own where they often stay together, it's a no-no in the parent's house. It's quite baffling but very real.
3. There are social ("what will the neighbors say") or religious concerns that you are not aware of.

Halving an open conversation should clarify that. As it stands, it's their house so their rules apply and your best shot is to get your financials in order and find a place on your own.

Answer 3

There are also valid secular reasons for a lot of "religious" rules. Sex has very real financial consequences. It also happens to be highly motivational, and perhaps your parents don't want you to get too comfortable in a temporary situation.

I happen to personally have religious objections, but I think I would try very hard to put those aside in order for my son to feel welcome visiting. However, a visit from a self-sufficient child is very different from one asking you to support them financially. If you want personal space, then buy it. If you want the privileges of an adult, then assume the responsibilities of one. If you want someone else to support you financially, then accept their conditions.

Answer 4

I am at the parent end of a similar situation - 23 year old son who lives at home "part time" and with his girlfriend the rest of the time (20 miles up the road, closer to their respective colleges). I decided that being welcoming to him and his girlfriend (both well into adulthood, and in a long term stable relationship) should take priority over my imposing my views of propriety when they stay at our house.

On the other hand, when my 18 year old wanted his newly-minted 16 year old girlfriend to sleep over - it was a categorical "no".

In a sense, my attitude reflects my thoughts on whether a particular relationship is healthy and appropriate for my child, in their particular stage of their life. As a parent I try to steer my children towards what will make them happy. Which is not the same thing as giving in to every request. And I do expect that my wishes, when expressed, will be respected. But since I like it when my children come to visit I try to think carefully about what "rules" to impose. There's a fine balance between the role as a parent (which never stops), tolerance of the adult that your child has become, and the feelings of everyone involved. Not easy.

Answer 5

Are you paying a reasonable rent to your parents or are you staying for free? In my mind this makes a big difference!

If you are a guest (i.e. staying for free) then although you may not agree with your parents you owe it to them to follow the rules that they've established. They have after all allowed you to return home and to put a roof over your head.

On the other hand if you're paying a reasonable rent (market value for example) then ultimately you are in control of what you do in the privacy of your bedroom. Obviously that doesn't mean you're free to throw wild parties or set up a meth lab, but your personal and private behavior in your space is your own business.

Rent aside pushing the issue is more than likely going to cause problems and strain the relationship with your parents. Only you can determine if you're willing to push those boundaries and are willing to accept the risks of damaging the good relationship.

Answer 6

Maybe parents don't like his girlfriend, so they try to make her stay as uncomfortable as possible.
Maybe they're afraid if they let their son share a bed with her, she will move in too.
Maybe it's a hint for a son, that it is time for him to get his own place.
Anyway at the end of the day the parents own the house, so they make the rules.

Answer 7

Your son is 27 and due to financial problems, you've invited him to move home. His 30 year old girlfriend is coming to stay. Should you oppose them sharing his double bed during her visit?

No.

Is it reasonable?

No.

Something is up... ask them why. Maybe it's as simple as "we'll be grossed out hearing 'it'" to which there's a simple solution: promising that you won't do 'it' when they can hear 'it'.

Answer 8

It's the parents' house and they would be the ones to decide.

How much leeway do you have to negotiate? It depends on

• the kind of relationship you have with your parents. Are they autocratic, or do you get to have your say?

• the wider impact of either decision on the other people involved and the overall cultural acceptance of such behavior. In some cultures even having an unmarried partner in the house would be taboo. In others, people would wonder why you don't share the bedroom at all.

You should definitely get into a negotiation if this is a long term arrangement - for the sake of your own sanity. At the same time, you are in no position to dictate terms to them.

Answer 9

I think it is about time we all understand that human beings have a strong "chemical machines" component. Imposing abstinence to youngsters is just cruel and it disregards this very common fact mentioned above.

Thus, once you accepted your son back home at his age, means also accepting his girlfriend and their relationship, especially if it is a long lasting one.

Maybe you should consider how they will contribute to your common life and this includes the girlfriend.

Answer 10

I'm late to the party but I find it bizarre and ridiculous that the parents would demand that. They should be happy if their son is happy; they have done a decent job raising a man who can have a meaningful relationship (as I hope) and they can be proud of it.

The son is clearly not a normal guest, so the arguments that a guest should follow the host's rules are utter nonsense; even if they weren't, the hosts have at least as much obligation to make their guests feel comfortable.

If the parents cannot let their son live with them in his own way and space, i.e. share the family home with him as peers on equal terms, it is time to move on. One can live cheap. And in fact, that you are not on your own feet may be the underlying issue here.