How do I a 14 year old deal with my mom?

Question

I dont know what to do anymore. I have had to put up with the abuse from my mom my entire life. I've tried to talk to her, I've tried counseling,but nothing seems to work. The situation Im in has caused me to be severely depressed and I have PTSD from her physically and verbally abusing me. When I told her that her response was ¨dont let them label you¨ or "dont tell them that or else they´ll take you away from me¨.

My mother has been hitting me at least since I was four. And yelling at me since before then. Just today, I saw she was staring at me and asked her to stop. She yelled that I complain about everything and I dont get the privilegde to ask her not to stare at me. Then she saw I was mad and told me to ¨cut the attitude¨. Furthermore, she once hit me for saying stop after her throwing a toy at me trying to wake me up.

Because of this I often have suicidal thoughts and cut myself. I've had many suicide attempts and after I fail she talks to me about how much she cares about me, which is very hard to believe, and makes it all about her. She did the same thing when she saw the cuts on my arms. Not once did she ask me why I did it or try to understand what I'm feeling. One time she hit me while I was intoxicated because of the pills I had swallowed.

The only solutions I can come up with are running away, or calling the police, but even that is risky because I have a one year old sister and am worried about what will happen to her if I leave her im my mother's custody (she´s a single mom) or call the authorities considering I'm a minor. Even so, I do not want to live with her anymore.

After everything I've said, I still can't blame her because she was abused by my grandmother (worse than me) and I don't want to be seen as ungrateful. I am on the verge of doing something I might regret, so If someone could please help me figure out this situation I would deeply appreciate it.

Answer 1

Please tell us what country (and state if appropriate) that you live in. Different countries and states have different systems and rules.

Many countries have helplines for people in your situation (e.g. ChildLine in the UK) who offer support and advice. If you tell us where you are we can point you in the right direction.

The police are probably not the best people to call at first. There is likely to be some kind of child protection authority who are not the police, but have the job of dealing with abusive parents. They deal with lots of cases like yours, so they know what they are doing.

I can't say for sure without knowing where you are, but taking children away from their parents is usually considered a last resort. They will probably try to support you and your mother staying together while making sure that you are being properly looked after. They will also be very concerned for your baby sister and will make sure she is looked after too. This is likely to mean regular visits by a social worker, talking to you and your mother, and checking on you and your sister. They will probably also talk to your school about what is happening so your teachers will understand if you are having problems.

Abusive parents often use emotion as a tool of control. "Ungrateful", and alternating between abuse and protestations of love are typical examples. You need to see these as the nasty tricks they really are. Then you need to focus on getting help. You are in a very bad situation, and your mother wants to keep you there. You need to find a way out. Getting help from someone outside your family who you can trust is the first step. As Stephie said in the comments above: a pastor or cleric, your doctor, a teacher you trust; any of these should be able to provide you with guidance and help. And even if the first person you try doesn't help, don't give up. Keep trying. You have GOT to get help, for your sister's sake if nothing else.

Answer 2

This question takes courage to ask. I hope you're able to find help.

Paul Johnson's answer is absolutely on the mark. He mentions some resources in the U.K., so I'm going to go into detail for some resources which may be available for you in the United States, if you're in this country.

If you're in the U.S., then in all states (as far as I know), certain people are mandatory reporters. This means that if you tell them that you're being abused, or if they have reason to suspect abuse, they're legally-required to report it to the police or another agency.

Mandatory reporters usually include doctors and nurses, teachers, school counselors, and ministers (except that if you tell anything to a priest during confession, he can't share that, because of Church law). So, like Paul Johnson said, the safest thing for you to do might be to tell a teacher you trust or your school counselor what's happening, especially if your mother checks your phone or your computer. This way she won't see it.

Since you say you're 14, and you obviously have at least some access to the web, since you're asking this question, there are also resources you may be able to access yourself. If you're in the U.S. or Canada, one of these is ChildHelp National Child Abuse Hotline. They have both online resources and a telephone hotline at (800) 422-4453. They also have contact information for the appropriate agency in your state.