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Around the time I was born, my mom and biological father broke up because of domestic violence. He helped us with money in the first year of my life but then went to work abroad. I didn't seen him for a over a decade (he didn't have any interest in me, nor I him). Fourteen years after he left, my mom, my stepfather (who I consider my real father) and I encountered him on the street with his family, and he talked to me and asked if we could get together and catch up on each other lives. I didn't mind because he is my biological father and I had some questions to ask him. Since then, we've met up 1 to 2 times a year and talk about random stuff (because we don't have that much in common) and he usually gives me money (150€ to 250€).

The only reason I meet with him is because the money, I don't have interest in him beyond that.

Before I meet with him, my mom gives me a speech about what he has done to us and that he didn't support me in the first years of my life. I told her that the only reason I go is to have some money. I don't have financial problems but having more money is better. Is my mom overreacting or I should feel bad about all this stuff?

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    PS, I think you're getting downvoted and voted closed because of the wall of text and that it isn't totally clear what you're asking from us. You may want to edit this question down to a basic story about seeing biological family just for money and what our advice is about how that impacts your immediate family
    – Kai Qing
    Commented Mar 9, 2018 at 17:16
  • It depends. A lot of times, things that appear free aren’t actually free. Just be careful that he isn’t giving you the money with nefarious intentions.
    – user31652
    Commented Mar 13, 2018 at 5:03
  • I wouldn't call it "overreacting" myself. After all, this man hurt your mother. Physically hurt her. It's fairly natural that she'd want to keep you away from him. I wouldn't say that you should feel "bad" about talking to him (and you definitely shouldn't feel bad about taking his money) but you probably should be careful around him. Meet in public places, make sure at least one of your parents knows where you are, etc. If he thinks he's rebuilding a relationship and you think you just want the money, things could get ugly when he figures out the truth (and he has a history of ugly)
    – Steve-O
    Commented Mar 16, 2018 at 17:29

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Before this gets closed for some reason I'd like to say one thing -

It's your life.

Do what you feel makes sense to you, but consider other people's feelings and try to decide whether or not unnecessary stress on your family is worth a few hundred pounds.

As far as your mom overreacting - yeah probably. 14 years later I bet your dad feels pretty bad about how things went, but as you said he has a family now so he may not regret anything per say. That's just the way it went to get to where he is and he can't undo it, so might as well try to be amicable. Plus he may genuinely be interested in what you're up to, but doesn't feel he has the right to insert himself back in without consent.

In the end, if you are doing it just for money let me remark that a few hundred pounds is nothing. You can generate more than that a month by selling drawings on etsy. If you have no interest and money is all you care about, then do everyone a favor and cut it off, find a hobby, and make the pocket change that way.

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  • I would disagree that a few hundred pounds is nothing, especially not if its monthly. A hundred pounds a month for a year is an extra payday for me, and I'm 26 with a university degree. I agree with your point about the value of time and relationships vs the money, but at 14, 100 pounds a month was far more than I could actually conceivably make, as most jobs. (Then again, the internet economy was far from as solid as it is now when I was 14, and I have no artistic skills what so ever.)
    – sharur
    Commented Mar 9, 2018 at 18:22
  • @sharur - I mean grand scheme of things. Yeah to a 14 year old it is like worlds of difference, but at what cost? And since I'm suggesting trading the facade for legitimate and realistic income of a few hundred pounds a month then it seems like the his interest should be more in pursuing his own thing instead of just some monetary distant relation obligation. Or both I guess. I wasn't kidding about etsy though. You can make a real living selling knick knacks and things you make in your spare time. It's a viable alternative to standard employment.
    – Kai Qing
    Commented Mar 9, 2018 at 20:27
  • @sharur but from what OP is saying it's not monthly. Its when they see him 1 to 2 times a year. That's not a lot of money over the course of a year, though not insignificant.
    – James T
    Commented Mar 12, 2018 at 16:26
  • I think the takeaway here is that it's OP decision to make, and any attempt by the mom to make that decision for him is an overreaction (even if she is technically able to make it for him.... for now). As far as OP's reasons go, those are irrelevant to this question. Maybe the money truly is consequence-free (maybe there is an emotional cost). I don't think we can dissect those issues here, especially since we don't know anyone's financial situations.
    – Clay07g
    Commented Mar 13, 2018 at 18:57
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Try to look at it from the perspectives of everyone involved.

We don't know the extent of it, but being hurt by someone you love is one of the worst things that can happen to you. Your mother isn't likely to forget what was done to her and she will certainly fear something happening to you.

Your biological father has his own reasons for wanting to get in touch with you. Maybe he has realized how awful he was all those years ago and wants to make up for it. Or perhaps he wants to make up for time that he regrets missing. Or perhaps he is just trying to win your favor as a way to hurt your mother by giving you money.

You say that you think of your stepfather your real father. He may be afraid (no matter how ridiculous you think it is) that he'll lose you to this man. Make sure he knows how you feel about him if you do continue these meetings.

After looking at these perspectives, think about what you want. Do you want to risk hurting the people you love and string along a (for all you know) well meaning man for a bit of money? Do you want to try to build a relationship with this man and try to heal old wounds in your family, or something else entirely?

Personally, I think people put too much importance in blood relations. You should by no means feel obligated to deal with this man just because he donated some genes.

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Your question was if you should be feeling bad about meeting up with your dad.

In my opinion, the answer is No, but having read your story I can sense your question goes deeper than what you can express. Maybe you're aware but maybe you're not. For example, meeting up with your dad because of money. What if that was the excuse in order to rationalize the reason you have chosen to do something you believed you wouldn't do.

The fact that your mom tells you about how he treated her is only her side. Domestic violence (DV) is in no way acceptable. I've been a victim of DV myself and because of that I can say it's a process of 2, not 1, so that's her and him.

Consequences of their choices should be theirs, not yours and it's only fair if you're having the opportunity to meet up with your dad. Take it. You have the chance to forgive, understand, learn, build, grow, enjoy and begin whatever you like. Only by looking at a situation from a non-judgemental point of view can you grow, heal and move forward. It's your life. You can't feel bad about not feeling the same way others feel or expect you to feel.

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  • Angelica, I like this answer but am put off by your use of "u" and lack of proper punctuation and formatting. Your answer has been flagged as being of poor quality. I don't agree, but am afraid that how you wrote it will put off others. It could be greatly improved by proper spelling, punctuation and formatting. If I sound like an old school marm, it's because I'm trying to 'help' you in sending out this good message.
    – anongoodnurse
    Commented Mar 13, 2018 at 19:33

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