How to make my parents stop interfering with my life in every way?

Question

I am 21 years old and came to my home country, Azerbaijan, after studying in the US. I have changed my beliefs and built my own set of rules to live my life. The life brought me a phase where I had to live with my parents for a couple of months (thanks to them for the support), as I was getting adapted to the city, the culture etc. But now the phase is over, I can afford to be responsible, live my own life in my own apartment; but my parents still think that I am a kid and are not letting me live alone because I have made a couple of bad decisions when I was in the US (I was dumb and 17 years old). In our country, the majority of the population lives with their parents until they get married. I can support myself.

I don't even know how to explain this current situation to them. It's so time consuming and a total waste because they don't accept anything I say. It's so funny that they want me to be rich etc., yet they don't even allow me to take risks... They question every friend I have like they are using me, or interfere with my love life. And to be honest, because of all the drama they build on my friends, many of my friends don't want to deal with it. When I put myself in my friends' shoes, they are totally right. I wouldn't want to talk to someone whose parents are going to flip everything over just because I went out with them.

I sometimes just think to go rent an apartment, and just one night just run away from the house and never look back <- it's the emotions talking but, I seriously can't think of anything better.

I really need your help on this because it has become the only problem in my life. Please help me out!

Answer 1

I really feel your pain and I think I understand the situation that you're in.

Don't despair - you will find a way to make it work - where you can balance your need for independence and respect and still have a relationship with your parents.

I lived in Russia until I was 16 and in US since then. I have went through something similar with my mom and my grandmother - both "old school" traditional Russian-born-and-raised people. I think this issue is cultural. Here in the States a lot of people (parents and children) believe that a child is an independent person from his/her parents and that his/her parents don't "own" the child, don't "owe" anything to the child and that the child doesn't "owe" anything to the parents for raising him/her. This is very simplified view. There is more to it that what I said - but it illustrates a point.

In Russia (and other countries) parents/children relationship is different. In my experience - I was raised to "always listen to my parents/grandparents/elders" because they were older and more experienced and thus "were always right" and because if you didn't listen to them/didn't do what they wanted you to do - it meant that you are disrespecting them and not being a good/obedient son/daughter.

I had to work really hard to establish and enforce my boundaries with my family. I haven't even known what "boundaries" were until a few years ago. I don't think such a concept even exists in Russia/ex-Soviet counties.

Here is a book a read, but it is somewhat Christian and I am not a Christian. So, I am sure you can find similar books on this subject that are not Christian.

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1401468038&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries

But - the gist of this concept is this - no one can make you feel a certain way or do something. Not your parents, friends, etc. You are in control of your thoughts, feelings, behavior, etc. Once you identify a boundary that you want to set with others - that others are not respecting - there are certain things you can do to do that.

But - it is important to keep in mind that your parents may continue to refuse to respect your boundaries - because they don't want to or because they don't understand or whatever other reason they may have - and that is their right and choice.

I think in some respects - it might be easier for you to enforce your boundaries while living separately - but understand that your parents love you and care about you in their own, unique cultural way, and that it will be a hard road to setup a balanced relationship with them in terms of them respecting your wishes and boundaries, but that it is something that is absolutely worth doing - for yourself, for your own peace of mind, for your own mental and physical health. And it is a good practice for the future - when and if you decide to get married and would need to contend with your husband's and his family's wishes and boundaries.

Good luck

Answer 2

I'm not sure how at 21 your parents are "not letting you" live in your own apartment. You are past the age required to enter into contracts on your own volition. If you are employed and have a steady income, it should not be difficult to sign a lease to rent an apartment.

That said, it sounds like your parents are opposed to the idea, and it is quite possible that it could cause a rift in your relationship with your parents should you choose to go against their wishes. Those consequences are something you have to weigh yourself. Some parents would be upset for a little while and then forgiving once they see responsibility demonstrated, others might disown their kids and refuse to ever talk to them again or write them out of the will or the like. I don't know your parents, you do. You have choices, but you are the one who will have to deal with the consequences.

In fact, you may in some ways be currently dealing with the consequences of your previous bad decisions. You may have lost some of the trust of your parents. They may be questioning your judgment, whether you are likely to make additional bad choices, and so on. Trust is earned, not given. You may have to work to regain their trust, if that is important to you.

While it is often true that it is hard for parents to come to accept that their children have grown to become adults, you may also wish to reflect upon whether your behavior contributes significantly to their perspective of you as a child vs an adult. One thing that jumps out in your post is the title of your post. It sounds a lot like the typical teenage refrain "My parents are ruining my life", often accompanied by teenage temper tantrums with slamming doors, yelling at parents or calling them names, saying things you don't mean like "I hate you mom" and so on.

As you get older you start to appreciate that even if you don't agree in every way with your parents, they have many years of wisdom and experience and, no matter how misguided their efforts may (or may not) be, it sounds like they are really trying to look out for your well-being, not trying to harm you or destroy your life.

It sounds like they are trying, as best they know how, to express their loving concern and try to make sure you're headed in the right direction. I'm sure they've been around long enough to have plenty of life experience and know how the saying goes "bad company corrupts good character" and they're probably trying to look out for what they see as your best interest. They want to make sure you're keeping good company and not surrounding yourself with situations that are going to bring you misery or financial ruin or the like. Perhaps they are being a little over-protective in doing so, but keep in mind, it's not out of an intention to interfere with or ruin your life, it is out of their desire to help guide you to make better choices so you won't suffer the consequences poor choices might lead to. Perhaps you desire a lifestyle they don't approve of - but only through mature adult conversation can you really understand their concerns and why they do or don't want for you the things you desire.

You may need to step back and let some of the strong emotions about the situation cool off before discussing it further with your parents or making any decisions you might later regret. Think through your thoughts and your choices, and get things clear in your head. Erase the attitude that they're out to get you - if they were, they probably wouldn't have taken you, as an adult, back in their home and been willing to support you and feed you while you transitioned back to your home country, they would have instead said, "good luck, let us know where you'll be living, hope you find a job soon and don't end up on the streets!"

You can choose to try to understand their perspective and concerns and how they compare to yours. You can then try to convince them their concerns are un-warranted or that you're responsible and they don't need to micromanage your friendships. Or you can ignore their advice and concern and forge your own way, for better or worse.