I am a mother of 5 children, in the order of a boy (10), 3 girls(7,5,3), and a baby boy just born a few months ago.

I met my husband 10 years ago, 7 months before my first boy was born. Before that, I was in an abusive relationship with this man and I became pregnant, which I didn't know at the time. I then met my current husband and when the baby was born, I just told him and even to myself that the baby must have been born early. But he knew almost right away.

Then started another abusive relationship, where my husband would beat me and hurt me for a very long time. We were both grown as orphans in the same institutes, and on several occasions when I couldn't stand his beating any longer, I would cry out in tears and take my baby boy to the orphanage. Then my husband would say he is sorry and promise to look after his family because this is the only family we've got.

This cycle of beating and apologizing continued, all the while my son followed his father everywhere and really like him al through the father's avoidance. Then, when I finally had my last son, I was diagnosed with tuberculosis, and the doctors said it was a miracle for me to even stay alive. My husband and son found out that I haven't got much time left. After my husband realized that, he realized from then on, that he has all the responsibilities and that day, when I bore my child, he finally truly accepted the boy as his own kin.

A couple of weeks ago, to earn more money for our son, who will now need for fees for better education and 4 other children, the father started working in another country, far away from here. And I feel my days are coming to an end very soon.

The thing is, whenever my husband and I have an argument about the son previously, I tried to tell him who his biological father was, but he wouldn't try to hear a word of it, so I never had the chance to. And I think my son does not know who his bio father is, but he does know that he is somewhat different from his current dad.

I am currently writing a series of letters for my son to read after I die in his major life events. And I am not sure if I should tell him someday who his actual father is, and what he was like, or keep it to the grave since this peace and harmony in our household finally took more than a decade to accomplish, and by spilling the information, I feel like I might be throwing a lighter to oil.

Do you think it is okay to tell him the information in the letter "when you become an adult" because he has every right to know, or don't even mention it anywhere? I need some advice. My days are almost over, and its really hard for me to decide.

1 Answer 1


my suggestion- keep it a secret. your current husband has now started owning your son as his. as you said, he has started taking his responsibilities to more depth. whatever had happened was a part of your past. if you let them know about this, chances are your husband might disown him. you are literally building up a wall between them which is still avoidable. your child has no bio father, he might someday lose you(as you say about your physical stand). let him have the father figure standing by him at least. don't let him feel like an orphan or something. if one lie saves lives, it is worth it. your lie can save lives. let it go the way it is now.

  • 1
    This has nothing to do with saving lives. Speaking from experience (as the child) in a similar situation, I would certainly want to know. And, if (or when, rather) I found out the truth on my own, any harm the lie would have prevented is amplified by the sense of betrayal.
    – zugzwang
    Dec 12, 2017 at 19:51
  • what if she tells him them the truth and the man disowns this child. if you notice her words they have already fought over this on a lot of occasions. you will only make a fool of yourself that the child is not his blood by letting them know the truth. Dec 14, 2017 at 5:43
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    Such lies are always a lot of trouble for those who lie. And they are a lot of trouble if the truth come out somewhen and somehow. Let there be one wrong word - the child's world breaks down instantly and trust in his "dad" and you as well is completely gone. Then what? Consider if this relation can't be the same if the child knows there is a bio dad on one side and there's a man who lives with him and cares for him on the other side.
    – puck
    Oct 18, 2018 at 18:03

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