This question was inspired by this one: https://parenting.stackexchange.com/questions/2698/how-do-i-monitor-what-my-kids-do-on-the-computer which was deemed off topic.
Hopefully this is more on topic as I'm not interested in the specifics of how to monitor what my kids do on the internet. But what general approach I should take, and what approaches others have used?
Yes, I think that children's online activities should be monitored but I don't think it's feasible in practice except for very young children. Older kids will always find a way to circumvent your control – but the good news is that they get more computer-literate in the process :-)
To me it's the same as having someone supervise small children at the playground or any other public place. The purpose is to make sure that they're not hurting themselves or others, aren't hurt by others, and know/learn how to engage their social environment properly. The problem is that it's much harder to supervise a computer without being intrusive.
Instead of blocking and/or monitoring, approach the computer and the Internet the same way you would the playground:
Why do you trust your 16-year-old to act responsibly while unmonitored? Because you've spent enough time together and you've taught by example and by word what's right and wrong. You've seen that your child is able to fend for himself and can recognize and avoid bullies and bad places, and that he's not a bully himself.
This is much harder to do at the computer – who'd want to spend hours surfing Facebook or other "juicy" sites with their dad?! And with all the mobile devices existing today, and crawling into classrooms too, this will likely become even harder in the future. I don't have a future-proof solution! :-(
One approach I've seen (which works for the time being) is to have a computer in the living room or family room, or make sure in other ways that nobody can hide out in front of the computer. Whatever you do at the computer needs to be okay to do while others are watching - otherwise, what exactly are you doing?
I've recently moved my computer from a "work" room into a "work" corner of the living room, and even for me it's much more social now. I highly recommended it. Just now I realized that it incidentally supports the "show, don't tell" philosophy. I'm not sure that's feasible for the kids when we only have one computer there, though. You could have a few laptops and a house rule that they're only used in the living room, but that might be hard to enforce consistently (especially if the kids have laptops for school, which they could then simply use outside the home).
Do you monitor the books they read from the library? Do you monitor the music they listen to on the radio? Do you monitor the TV and Movies they watch? Do you monitor what they say and hear from their friends? If so, then I'd say yes... it's just yet another stream of content.
Honestly, the easiest way to monitor, is to put the computer in a communal space with the screen facing away from the wall. Then when they're on the computer, be in the room, even if it's only occasionally. I'm sure you'll recognize the quick window focus change in a panic they do when they realize you walked in on something they knew they shouldn't have had up. :)
In answer to my own question, this is one approach I've thought about, and it would be age dependent, so something like:
As an elementary school librarian, I was responsible for talking with students and parents about computer use. We focused a great deal about the very scary presence of predators on the internet. We encouraged parents to constantly talk with their children about what they are doing on the internet, who they are talking to, what sites they are visiting.
I know many parents felt like they were intruding, spying on their kids; however in reality just as it is our job as parents to monitor who our kids play with and what homes they are spending time in, it is also our job to monitor their internet usage.
I love the idea of keeping all use in family areas of the home. Not only does it help you be aware of what they are doing, it makes the dialogue that much easier - if your child is right there and comes across something questionable, they can ask.
It is also important to talk with your kids about internet safety in a similar way you talk with them about not taking a ride from strangers. Teach your child that sharing information that seems innocent can be dangerous. Every year there are cases of predators posing as children on the internet gathering crumbs of information from children for months before making their move. Children should never reveal their last name, phone number, address, school name - also, teach your children to carefully check the screen names of their friends - sometimes predators change one character and pose as a friend.
I know when my daughter is old enough to use the computer it will always be in the presence of myself or my husband so we are there to guide her internet use.
Good luck to all parents navigating internet use - it is a different world than when we were kids our parents only needed to monitor the neighborhood.
I exposed myself to a lot of terrible things whilst growing up and spending a lot of time on the Internet - things that I feel still affect me today. I had absolutely no supervision on Internet access from the age of about 8, although I greatly wish I did so I might not have seen and done what I have.
I believe the best solution is in putting the computer in a family living space so that they can expect someone to see what's on their screen at any given time.
Talk to your kids! Ask them personally what they're doing but don't be accusative, act interested. They will either happily tell you about whatever game they're interested in, or they'll act coy because they're hiding something. While they are young enough to be exposed to bad things or be at risk of bad people, I expect these signs will be obvious.
Never resort to technical means. These will only annoy your child and prove to them that you do not trust them or what they do on a computer. More than likely they will incorrectly flag websites they need to use for homework, too, AS WELL as giving you a completely false sense of security. They are easy to bypass (doubtless your child is or will be smarter than you at computers before you realise it ). Also, smart phones are ubiquitous these days which provide easy unrestricted Internet access, either by tethering or a neighbours open WiFi.
Technical solutions are far too passive a means of 'securing' your child's access to the Internet and, as I say, are easily bypassed yet at the same time teach your child to keep silent about their activity, when they must be encouraged to be open and share with you what they're doing.
I use Trend Micro software on all of the computers in my house, which also includes internet filters. As suggested in other posts, I started out with very strict rules on which websites the computers could allow. My kids (now 12 and 10) each have their own logins so that I can set up different rules for each.
We regularly discuss what types of sites they are allowed to access. If a site is blocked that they believe they should be able to access, I'll allow/not allow it after hearing their argument. The software also blocks ads that could be an issue as well.
I think the most important thing is to have open discussion about what is acceptable and the consequences of accessing content that is not allowed (loss of computer privileges etc.)
The software offers the ability to log sites that are visited, but I've never looked that deeply at it.
My rule of thumb is to let the kids know that I will trust them until they break that trust. So far, it's worked well as they even ask before watching questionable shows on television.
I would also consider time caps like you would consider for television: perhaps 1-3 hours per day depending on the age.
Would be glad to hear in the comments what caps parents are using and how are they enforcing them.
Monitoring and/or blocking can work with younger children, and I don't see any problem with monitoring as long as you tell your children that they are being monitored. However at some point between the ages of 10 and 14, depending on intelligence, motivation and just how tightly you lock down the PC, they are going to be able to get to places on the Net you would probably rather they didn't. Even if your security is watertight, they will be visiting friends whose computers are not as tightly locked down, and there are these devices called thumb drives. These days an 8GB thumb drive costs around $10 and can hold several hours of HD movies.
So rather than try to create a watertight seal around the bad bits of the Internet, I think you have to think about your own fears about what you are trying to protect them against, and what other strategies you can use. I'll outline predators and porn as examples here because they seem to be the commonest concerns.
Against predators, I think the best option is to warn them there are bad people on line, and teach basic security and safety. Never give out your full name or address on line. Never trust anyone (unless they are an established physical-world friend) to be who or what they say they are. (My son's circle of friends at primary school went through a period of hacking each others Club Penguin accounts by shoulder-surfing, which also helped teach some basic lessons on security).
Against porn, you need to acknowledge that it exists, and make your own views clear (whatever they are). You also need to get the idea across that its got about as much connection with "real" sex as a James Bond movie has with real spying. Emphasise that if they have any worries about anything they do happen to see then you will listen and answer questions without judging them, the same as you would on any issue with sex.
If your child is below 12 years of age, I believe you should still monitor his or her internet usage. As a parent, it is our responsibility to guide our children with the choices they make in using the internet. It is not about helicopter parenting, but I think this is still crucial time where your child still needs proper guidance. When your child reaches teen years, you can start giving him or her independence, but from time to time check their activities, so you can properly guide them.
I don't think monitoring kids is a good idea. What he is interested in on the internet is determined by his daily habit, so cultivating his good interests and hobbies is useful than monitoring him.
It's pretty simple to filter your home internet by setting OpenDNS as your DNS server on your router. You can then have OpenDNS block or allow specific sites or classes of sites, as you wish. You can also have all internet use logged if you choose. As long as you keep control of your router, they are unlikely to be able to change this, and if they do, you'll know. You'll also know your kid is being sneaky, and this behavior is likely in other areas of his life.
In my own home, I've set up OpenDNS to limit what they might accidentally stumble across, I've taught them about personal safety and security as well as appropriate behavior while using the Internet, and I loosely monitor the time they spend on the computer. I do not log anything. I feel like education with a bit of a safety net is the way to go.
The best answer I've seen online for control kids internet usage, especially older kids ran something like the following:
Tell them that everything they have free access to the internet to research, play, and learn. However, What they look at will be tracked, and the logs reviewed. If they find something unsuitable, there will be an open frank discussion with both parents on why they feel it's necessary to view the material.
Nothing scares a teenager more than being faces with questions from Mommy on why they googled something perverted.
But, for younger kids, we just limit they times they have any access, using it as a reward after homework and chores are complete. The computer they use is in the living room and facing the room with someone around to monitor it. The younger kids tend just to play education or flash games.
For the older ones I've used the built in time restrictions that the mac has to limit usage, otherwise they can get a bit obsessed.
Also, you can put limits on the network level to stop the teens using phones, iPad, and kindles late into the night. On school nights it cuts off earlier than the weekends.
Also, below a certain age they have to give up their passwords so sites online (Facebook etc) can be monitored. No different to real life really. We know their friends and friends parents, no reason not to keep an overview on their online activity.
However, in everything they have a large amount of freedom - it's not about censorship so much as it's about keeping them on a good path and not wandering too much.
I keep the computer in my room, so basically whenever, my 14 year step daughter wants to.use computer, she needs to sit near me and do her stuff. Also, my.husband puts password in the computer, so my step daughter can.use it only when.we type the password. So, this way we can keep a check on how much time she spends on computer . Also we encourage outdoor playing. She gets an.hour or 2 hrs everyday at computer which.is more than enough. Also we havent allowed her to be.on any social networking sites like Facebook or Instagram. Once, she turns 16 , we will lower the restrictions.
Don't feel like a real answer, but too long and too much like an answer for a comment:
Monitoring (with technological measures, keystroke/screen/browsing history recording) what a child/teen does on a computer can be like reading their diaries, setting them up with an electronic/GPS bracelet and using hidden microphones to listen in to their private conversations with friends, all at once and even more. If you want to have any sane and trustful relationship with your child you shouldn't do it without their knowledge and after a certain age not at all. Just make sure they know the laws, the dangers and the moralities concerning the usual topics (copyright, anonymity, porn, whatever) and talk with them.
You can't prevent them from doing some mistakes and having some uncomfortable learning experiences, like in every other area of life.
(no parent here, young adult who was only ever restricted in the amount of time allowed to spend in front of computers. I learned about copy right law, I learned about porn, I learned about people trying to scam me - sure I saw some stuff I could have gone without. But that would only seriously trouble a child which is troubled anyway)
I have a simple rule: media consumption should be made in public spaces. No TV or computers in their bedroom. Sure, I'm not always there, but they know they shouldn't do something they wouldn't do in public.
Those people saying that kids internet usage should not be filtered are in for a life of pain, especially when their children develop mental problems, depression and addiction. Being liberal with your children and talking to them is not the same as opening the door and letting them into a porn shop and allowing them to browse the material whilst at the same time talking to them about the dangers of porn. I hope you don't learn the hard way that this stuff just shouldn't be available before a certain age, no matter what your moral persuasion.
