Why do some parents have a favorite (or least favorite) child? How can this be avoided?

Question

Playing favorites with one's children is clearly a moral grey area at best...so why do we do it?

I'm a personality psychologist by training, and particularly well-exposed to heritability research through my alma mater, so I can appreciate the power of genetic variation and individual experience on personality. Sex of the parent may determine the favored sex, and I'd bet that the rarer sex among more than two siblings of different sexes would see some special treatment more often than not too.

What are the primary factors that can contribute towards parental favoritism towards their children, and how can it be avoided and overcome?

Is it ever okay? Even if not, are there relatively good reasons that are particularly worthy of sympathy or difficult to avoid as a parent?

This post is inspired by the question Why do some parents prefer some children more than others?.

^{Also, on a personal note, I'm not a parent yet myself, but I plan to be, and am leaning toward fathering more than one. I'm an only child, so I have no direct familial experience myself, and limited access to the intimate details of my friends' experiences with their parents and siblings. We're all just reaching the parenting age ourselves, so no one I know personally has had to grapple with favoritism toward their own children either, as far as I know.}

Answer 1

First of all, recognize there is a difference between having a favorite, and engaging in favoritism. I think having a favorite is somewhat unavoidable, unless your children all happen to have personalities that mesh equally well with yours. When having a favorite becomes problematic is when you let it affect your words and actions toward your children.

The distinction between having a favorite and engaging in favoritism can be seen in some of the contradictory results from this related cogsci answer. 75% of children felt they were the favorite, but only 10% felt they were favored. In my opinion, most conscientious parents (in Western cultures at least) are aware of their bias, but actively work to overcome it.

The reasons for having a favorite child are similar to reasons for having a favorite friend:

• Your personalities mesh better.
• They cause you less grief.
• They don't get on your nerves.
• They respond better to your natural parenting style.
• They listen to you more.
• They actively seek ways to help you.
• They have similar interests.
• They are more naturally affectionate.
• They aren't as needy.

Also, your favorite can change over time, as your and your children's personalities develop. I think this is one reason why eldest and youngest children are more likely to be favorites than the middle child. The eldest has more maturity first and the youngest enters behavioral phases last, after parents already have experience dealing with those phases.

Some might argue that many of these reasons are a result of favoritism, not a cause, but in my opinion these attributes are primarily nature, not nurture. Otherwise, why wouldn't all your kids be nurtured to be like your favorite?

The way to avoid favoritism is to be aware you have a risk of it, and basically constantly evaluate yourself. Make it a point to spend time with each child in equal measure. Young kids especially are keenly aware of any appearance of unfairness and this is actually very useful in learning to overcome your bias. If you've done too much with one child, the others usually have no problem reminding you.

If you find yourself disciplining one child more than another, make a point to frequently evaluate if you are doing it because he truly needs it more, or because you are engaging in favoritism. Make rules and consequences as consistent as possible between children, taking into account their individual ages and ability levels.

Answer 2

Why do some parents have a favorite (or least favorite) child?

One possible answer would be that there are parents who want to see a version of themselves in their children - or what they would like to have been. The children that match that view are favored, those who don't are less favored.

Imagine a major league football player who has a son who goes into art school. If the parent is one of those I am writing about, he will dislike the child, since he did not go into his footsteps. However, the situation may be opposite if the parent was a painter or a sculptor.

Such approach is wrong. We should love our children unconditionally and let them become - professionally - whatever they want to become.

The most important thing is what kind of person they will become. Our role is to teach them to be good, to respect other people, to be tolerant. And not to force them to becoming mirror images of us. In such cases the mirror turns out to be heavily distorting... And the children end up unhappy.

Answer 3

One of the possible reasons is fear. You are a psychologist, I am probably telling you nothing new with this sentence :) but here is an example of how it can work:

My aunt has two children younger than me. The boy is two years older than the girl. My aunt and uncle were always afraid that the older boy might start bullying his defenseless little sister. As a result, they always solved conflict in her interest. When the two children started screaming, the parents came, reprimanded them for fighting. Both children were trying to explain their viewpoint, but the adults were not listening. They just said "Stop fighting and screaming, you should be civilized children and not wild beasts, so hush. And [son's name], I don't want you bothering your sister! I don't want to hear any excuses. "

Even to my teenage self, this seemed unfair to both children, especially to my male cousin. I don't even know if they liked the girl more, it was an automatic wish to protect her from the stronger child where no such protection was needed.

Now both my cousins are young adults. They both have some nice character features, but my female cousin is also a spoiled brat and my male cousin is always doing what others tell him, afraid to speak his mind.

Fear is a great blinder. So, don't let your fears as a parent to blind you into favoritism... or maybe your fear of being a favorising parent to blind you to some other kind of mistake.

Answer 4

Karl's statement about the difference between having a favourite, and engaging in favouritism, is the beginning but not the end of the issue. In fact, the issue is whether any child feels that he is getting less attention than the other children, and no matter how well the parent spreads his time out, children will feel that their siblings are getting more attention.

The way I handle this is to try to always do different activities with the different children. If I throw one in the air and the other says "me too" then I spin the other around in a circle or fly her like an airplane. If I tickle one on the feet and the other says "me too" then I pick up the other and tickle her like a guitar on my lap.

The idea is to give them comparable, but different experiences. Sometimes I will even do an activity with just one, such as take her to the airport to watch the landings, and a different day do something with the other, such as take her with me when walking the dog. Thus they know that even if something looks unfair at the moment, they know that I will "make it up" to them. Let them know that you cannot be the exact same experience for all of the kids, but you will always be fun, fair experience for them all. Address their perception, don't keep count.

Answer 5

Golden children and black sheep are extremely common. It all boils down to the curious phenomenon of the three generations cycle of abuse. My own mother experience mental neglect from her cold and emotional mother. She then decided to continue the cycle with my sister and me. Why a person who experience abuse as child chooses to perpetuate that abuse with there own children is not something I understand? If the parent is the 1st generation it will happen the majority of cases

My mother just plainly hated me because I was always too honest and critised my mother too openly. There is nothing that the female ego hates more than criticism. If there exists a woman who can consider that anything she does is wrong I'm yet to meet her.

My sister will off course perpetuate the cycle of emotional abuse with her family. Luckily she has such an intense hatred for men that the chances of any man sticking around long enough to have a kid is unlikely. Don't fret the MENSA sperm bank in New York has her covered.

I on the other hand being the 3rd generation in this cycle of abuse has in theory a chance to raise a child in a abuseless environment. Although this 33 year-old bachelor has made peace with the fact his chances at a child or a wife are slim to none. Either way the cycle of abuse will end with me. That I promised the world years ago.