Don't know what I feel toward my parents

Question

I am a little bit confused about the feelings I have toward my parents. Since my parents started to have some problems with money, the peace in my family was gone. They started to blame their children (at that time I was just 16 years-old, now I am 22) because they were never able to find a solution for that. So the easiest thing is to blame the children.

Basically after all those problems, my mother lied to my father and hid from him that she requested money from his best friend (in that time). She lies very very often in order to ask for money (unfortunately is difficult to believe her). So she has some problems with her business, I think it's not profitable anymore and to hide all those financial problems she continues to ask money inventing some lies (included me and my siblings). But in the end I love her, because she always gave to their children what she could and what she couldn't. She is not selfish person.

On the other hand, my father always paid the bills (he had luck to find nice job, then he got fired, and my mother was covering him for 10 years until he retired) but now he always thinks that he is the boss in the family, basically he does nothing, as for e.g. cleaning the dishes or helping with the house. He only pays. I feel I have worst relationship with my father because he has hurt me in the past. He never put on hand on me, but he told me things that one father should never tell to his son. The example that I have always in my memory is when I was 18 years-old, he came to my place of work, drunk and he told me "I will kill you". Since then I have a lot of negative emotions towards him. However, I know he paid for a lot of things for me. I have studied and 6 months ago finished my bachelor. I am thankful to him for that.

Basically I see my father as the one who pays but also as the one who will tell you and remind you all the time that he pays. However he is very selfish, for example he will buy some expensive stuff for him, and then blame us to save money on the energy.

As I couldn't continue in that bad environment I moved away from the house and country. However I feel bad some times because I see they aren't helping me that much as I expected. I will go back now for a visit to home, but I have so many things to be solved. I need to know which feelings I have towards them. I love them but I have so many negative emotions when seeing their figure in my mind. What should I do?

Thanks and sorry for long post.

Answer 1

First and foremost, your parents are the only parents you have, and they will always be your parents. It can be easy at times to forget this, particularly while you are angry at them, but underneath it all, they're your family, and you (almost certainly) love them.

Being angry/disappointed/frustrated with someone is not mutually exclusive with loving them.

Everyone has flaws. As children, it is usually much harder for us to see the flaws in our parents. This makes it somewhat disconcerting when you suddenly reach the point in your life where you're able to start noticing them.

The first step I'd suggest for you to find a way to reconcile your relationship with your parents is one you've already taken: move out, and get some distance (both literal and figurative) between you.

Once you're not dealing with the problems at your home, it becomes easier to let go of the anger.

The second thing I'd suggest is... talk to them.

Pick one thing you'd like to address, with either your mother or your father. My suggestion would be the comment from your father about killing you. He was drunk, and it clearly bothers you a lot. Tell him that you remember that, and that it still upsets you. Don't bring up the subject in front of your mother or anyone else, by the way... this should just be between you and your father.

Try to use "I" language. It sounds less accusatory. By "I" language, focus on what you felt, and how you perceived things. Say things like "it really scared me" or "I was really upset" or even "I don't know if you meant it", rather than "you really scared me," "you really upset me," or "did you mean it?".

Once you've opened the subject on one of the things that's bothering you... give it time. Don't bring up the next issue the next time you go and visit, or possibly even the time after that. Be sure to try and have several visits where there is no confrontation or stress (or, if that can't be avoided, try to ensure that you aren't the one initiating it).

Situations like this take time to heal. Years, in my experience. Have patience.

Answer 2

The issue that I see here is your father is a dangerous manipulative controlling (insert adjective) who blames other people for his inability to manage finances. My advice (which is only worth the paper it's printed on) is to make a clean break and walk away from the relationship, because attempting to address this with your parents is going to lead to potentially dangerous escalation rather than reconciliation.

Answer 3

I'm really sorry that you were hurt so much emotionally in your childhood.

Of course talking and reconciling with your parents is a great idea, but this needs patience from everyone. I am not saying you should not try it—in fact you should absolutely try it—but be prepared to be extremely patient. People tend to get defensive at the slightest hint of the idea that they have made mistakes.

Don't tell them (yet) how their actions brought you pain, and then ask them whether they can explain what happens at the time. Ask them about their suffering first. Ask them about specific periods of their life that you perceive they had trouble—but don't make it about yourself, make it about them ("Mom, remember the time we had to sell our car? What happened?", "Dad, remember when <your sibling's name> fell really ill and we had a really hard time? What happened?"). And they will tell you the hardships they went through. Once they open up enough, then you can make it about yourself and tell them that it was a really painful period for you too, and why. It's probable that by this point they would realize it themselves and tell you how sorry they were for giving you such a hard time.

I know this is the direct opposite of the current answer, but think of your parents personal traits and pick one that suits you best.

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One thing I felt from your prose though, is that I could glimpse the hurt child/teen. One way to relieve your pain would be to start thinking as an adult, empathize with them and figure out yourself why they have done all those things which brought you so much pain.

When in distress, people's logic and emotions tend to get convoluted. For example, when in continuous financial trouble, over the time, otherwise perfectly reasonable and loving parent can go from "Of course I will bear all this hardship for my child, I love him so much", to "Oh God! If we didn't have a child this would not have been so hard", to "Dammit! this ----ing child is the source all my pain and suffering. If there is one ----ing way to get rid of him!". Once again, this is a messed up, convoluted world view and it would be wrong and childish to think like that. But this can happen all the time.

In no way I am assuming this is what your father thought. In fact, this is a personal experience from a friend and once he understood this he was able to forgive his farther for it. I am showing you a way to understand what he did, why he did it and empathize with him. I am sure your father loved you so much, and he would not have done what he did if he did not love you.

Point is, just try to understand the logic and emotions behind their actions. This will let you empathize with them and forgive them. That should help to relieve your pain.