Tackling visitation

Question

My son is 8 and my daughter 16. My son's father was physically abusive to me, and emotionally abusive and neglectful towards both children. He is a severe alcoholic with a personality disorder.

I have struggled with keeping him in my son's life since our separation 4 years ago. My daughter hates him and voices her disgust over his presence. He constantly cancels visits or has friends over and gets drunk/has blackouts while he had my son with him. He has also driven my son home while drunk.

My son's is now diagnosed with depressive disorder. He is hurting himself and talking about dying. He is in therapy multiple times a week and attends Al-anon meetings when they are offered at school. He goes to school yelling about his dad lying, he throws desks, etc.

Each time his dad has relapsed, my son has had increasingly severe episodes. I'm ready to cut his dad out until he is old enough and stable enough to decide for himself. I have asked my son's father to meet with my son and his therapist but he refuses. My son does not want me to make this decision and thinks his dad will get better.

Is cutting a dad out of their child life ever the right choice? I am aware of my rights. I have full custody and do not have to allow him visitation. I just struggle with whether or not this is the appropriate decision.

Answer 1

Yes, sometimes it is. Sometimes a bad parent is much worse than an absent parent.

That's certainly true in the case of physical abuse. There are degrees of emotional abuse, and while cancelling visits at the last moment is very painful, I'm not sure that it's grounds for refusing visitation. But you know the extent to which your son is mistreated much better than we do.

You've done well to try to keep your son's father in his life, and it's clear that your heart is breaking for your son. However, for emotional abuse, you can't legally make that determination alone; there is too much responsibility and potential guilt associated with that decision, if not now, then down the line. Please talk with a good therapist (not a school counselor) and make it with them. Get a second opinion if you need to.

What you can do now, though, is to deny your ex's visits to protect your son. He places your son in jeopardy not only by driving under the influence, but every time he abuses alcohol in your son's presence. If you go to court to change visitation, your ex may well be required by the court to attend an alcohol rehabilitation program and/or counseling. The ability to resume visitation will be contingent on successfully completing the program, and may also include family counseling, which is giving your ex the opportunity to get his act together.

You might consider therapy as well. Dealing with the problems your son is having has to be very difficult, and you can probably benefit from professional advice. It's an awful lot to deal with on your own.