Are there any effects from lying to your children?

Question

As working parents, sometimes my wife and I resort to lying to our children when we are going to work, going out or leaving them behind in the house. If I have time I normally try to talk to my daughter, giving her reasons why I need to leave the house. This generally works if I have the time. If I don't I sometimes take the easy way out and tell the maid to take her upstairs a while or out for a little while, then proceed to sneak out.

My question is, will this kind of "lying" to her have any long lasting psychological effects of her when she grows up ? What would be a better way ?

Answer 1

Parents often try to keep their children from ever having to be uncomfortable. It's a laudable goal, but not only is it unattainable, it often backfires to make it worse.

The least traumatic in the long term way to leave the house is to have a going away ritual and a coming home ritual. Say, "I'm going to work," give them a hug, be happy, and leave quickly.

They will cry for a while, but it will become shorter and shorter, and eventually they won't cry at all and will look forward to the ritual.

When you try to sneak away, that teaches them their fears are founded, that going away is a scary thing that even brave adults try to avoid. She'll not only be traumatized when you leave for work, but when you go into another room, because she has no guarantee of how long you will be gone.

Same goes when you prolong a goodbye ritual. In trying to spare them some trauma, you inadvertently prolong it. Most kids stop crying a minute or so after you leave. The most sensitive might go for 10-15 minutes. If you spend 10 minutes saying goodbye, usually that just means 10 extra minutes of crying.

Answer 2

I don't see that you're lying to her when you send her to her room and then sneak out - that sounds more like tricking her.

My question is, will this kind of "lying" to her have any long lasting psychological effects of her when she grows up ?

I am not a psychologist but I don't think this will give her permanent problems. But it can very well give her problems during her early childhood! Tricking her that often (and not occasionally, with the purpose of entertainment) will make her not trust you because she will never know whether you'll be downstairs or not, and uncertainty makes her uncomfortable. We all fear the unknown.

What would be a better way ?

Neither lying nor tricking should be necessary for the purpose of going to work. I would suggest that you tell her plainly that you are going to leave for work, and of course promise that you will return before it gets dark (use some time reference that she can understand). She will have to learn that you must be away for a while most days, but she must also learn to trust that you always return.

Answer 3

Don't make the mistake of confusing your child's comfort with your own. You think you are trying to make your child feel better about you leaving, but really you're trying to make yourself feel better about leaving.

Children go through multiple stages where they have separation anxiety; that's normal. Addressing them properly helps their development; having a good routine, talking to them about the separation, reminding them that it will be temporary. Children don't have a good understanding of temporary versus permanent until they are fairly old, so that's often the hardest part.

Not addressing the separation anxiety simply prolongs it. Staying longer because they want you not to leave is counterproductive - it teaches them that if they cry, you won't go.

Lying to them won't work very well over time, because you're just avoiding the separation anxiety, not addressing it. It's like ignoring your creditor's phone calls - sure, you can avoid the difficult conversation about not paying your bills, but it doesn't make the bills go away.

Answer 4

I am not aware of any unusual long term psychological effects this may cause. But from an educational point of view this of course contributes to your kids development, depending on how often you lie to them and how severe the lies are.

Always remember that children will assume their parents behaviour as the prototypical human behaviour, when learning patterns. If you lie a lot they will learn that lying is a valid (or even the) way of doing things or accomplishing effects. Means, they will start lying a lot.

As initially stated, this is not an unusual effect. Neither is it rare, irreversible or will cause psychological conditions. It just means you are not just "lying" or "tricking" your kids, you are actually teaching them how to lie and trick. This maybe an unwanted effect, but needn't result into mental conditions.

Answer 5

I don't lie to my children out of principle, but I also think that lying to them will eventually teach them not to trust you (as much). As a parent, this is not a situation I want to be in. When I say, "Don't come into the kitchen while I'm frying hamburgers, you could get hurt," I want the child to believe me. This is not a lesson that must be learned the hard way.

If your child as having separation anxiety about a parent leaving the house, I suggest that the child has some (even temporary) needs that aren't being met with regards to the amount of time you spend with her. There are children who are naturally confident and self-reliant, but most aren't, so it's up to the parent to build the child's confidence that mom and dad will always come home eventually and spend time with her, because it's time with you that she really, really wants.

Lying probably won't cause psychological problems, but it may put a strain on your relationship with her, and whether a psych diagnoses her with an ailment or not, strained relationships with parents are a real source of problems for children, especially when they get older (10-12 and up, in American culture).

Answer 6

Lying or tricking her now doesn't really seem like a harmful thing at the moment but it will soon become a habit. And when this occurs your child will gradually stop believing what you say or worse still think its okay to do the same to you as they grow older.

Possible Solution: Since this is an everyday thing and you have no choice but to go to work I would suggest sitting your kid down and talking to her about. Also plan fun activities for when you come back - like a trip to get some icecream or some family gametime/tea party etc so that they have something to look forward to throughout the day. This will also shift the focus from the time that you leave to the time that you come home!

Answer 7

You should explain things to your kids. The rule is that stop speaking as soon as they change the subject and follow their lead.

White lies will always come up now and again (eg. Father Christmas) but you should credit the children with more ability to understand than you appear to be giving them right now.

An example: I have a daughter, nearly three, who plays everything out. Whatever happens she will incorporate it into her narrative with her favourite doll. This could be about sleeping difficulties, missing her mother or me during the working day; or even working through the pain of seeing her brothers arguing with each other or us. A recent brief trip to the US for me produced a huge and repetitive narrative that we worked through patiently and thoroughly.

Children use their imagination constructively and as a means of integrating events and experiences from the world around them. Do not deny them this, be more honest with yourselves and them.

Additionally find short stories/picture books that relate to the situation you have and read them with the child. This will help the process.

You have staff.. if the maid is the de-facto childminder then you may as well work on making the ritual one of waving mum/dad goodbye. Then work through the resulting narrative later and with good humour, dramatise it for your toddler, they love allegory and a good laugh with you.

Enjoy the toddler time, it doesn't last long.