How to prevent a toddler from hitting/throwing things that could seriously injure others and damage things around the home?

Question

I have a 23 month old toddler who loves to hurl anything that he gets his hands on - either at things or other folks around the house. If not that, he'll treat it as a hammer and go around "hitting" other things or humans or animals (dog). We've gotten rid of all furniture with glass but there are a few things that just don't get made without it. Hammering them could be dangerous even if the glass is tough.

He's seriously injured his mom on more than one occasion. At times he would abruptly slam the doors on our faces/legs. Purely for fun. (These are closet doors without hydraulic hinges.) If our phones are close by and if he gets them someone is going to get seriously hurt when he hurls it (not if).

We've tried being stern and saying "no" and taking the the things away and putting them higher up so he cannot reach them. At times we've gotten a little more angry. I wouldn't lie but in extreme cases he's gotten a spank or two on his leg/back as an unfortunate reflexive action.

If nothing, he'll start scratching/pinching/jumping-on/biting the folks around. We always brush him off and say "no" and also provide him an alternate. But it's hard to know what to do when we're simply sitting and watching TV (for 30 mins the whole day) and he's going to make the act of sitting a nightmare (with or without TV).

It's getting really difficult to constantly keep everything away from him and/or explain that we get hurt. Nothing seems to work to deter him - we've tried everything from polite/assertive conversations to being angry or ignoring him. He just makes such funny faces and/or beady eyes that makes it really difficult to hold a scorn when looking him in the eye.

What are some strategies we can adopt to help control such "playfully hurtful/violent" behavior?

Answer 1

I think it's key to keep in mind, as you've identified, that this is about playfully violent behaviour. As such, I think it must always be stopped, because you don't need to tolerate getting hurt, but any amount of scolding, or angry tone of voice, will be uncalled for. Your child is not intent on hurting anyone or anything, and is - I think - not old enough to understand why you'd be angry with him for playing. A simple firm but loving "no" will do just as well. It may not work, but as you've seen, neither does a harsher treatment. It's never a good idea to be unnecessarily harsh on our children, which is the case here if it too doesn't work.

Recognize that your child is filling a need of some kind with their behaviour. We often think it's a need for attention, which may well be the case, but consider that there may be a real need for throwing things and exploring how they sound when they break. Find a non-hurtful way to fulfill this need. If he bites, always have a biting toy ready, and if he starts throwing things, go outside and show him things it's OK for him to throw or break. Join him in that play for a while.

As a very general advice, kids do more of what they get attention for, even if it's negative attention, so try to praise desired behaviour more than you scold undesired behaviour.

Also, it's difficult to understand negative instructions. Think of it as following a GPS navigation to a new place, and the voice keeps saying "don't turn right here", "you should've taken that exit". Similarly, don't say "don't throw the legos", say "the legs are for building with".

I've read most children grow out this by three years of age, so you're a good part of the way there. I would stick to refrain from punishing now, and only seek to do something radically different if this doesn't stop when the child is old enough to better understand the negative consequences of their behaviour.