Did I screw up when allowing my 12-year-old to invite only one twin to her party?

Question

My 12-year-old daughter is an only child. A few months ago, she had her first birthday party to which both boys and girls were invited. She chose a neighborhood restaurant to have a small dinner.

She knows twins, a boy and a girl. My daughter invited only the boy, since she's friends with him. The mother of the twins replied "Yes" immediately but several days later asked me if the invitation was for both her children. I said the invitation was for her son. She let me know he would not be attending because he was not comfortable attending without his sister. My daughter spoke to him later and this was not the case. He wanted to attend my daughter’s party. The mother was upset that both twins were not invited. The girl twin is still bringing it up to my daughter’s friends and it happened back in May.

I feel like I screwed this up by not inviting both kids to the party, but my husband said my daughter should be able to invite who she is friends with to her party. I feel horrible! Did I screw this up?

Answer 1

In my opinion, by twelve it should be up to the children to work this out, and the parents should not involve themselves directly - they should help their children navigate these things if they need advice maybe, but not forcing their opinions. At six I would say it was probably inappropriate to not invite both, but not at twelve.

That said, you don’t necessarily know all of the back story here, and it’s possible there are things you’re not aware of that impact this. The mother may be concerned about the boy/girl side of things here; some people assume girls and boys cannot be connected except romantically. That’s very outdated, but still common in some areas (like the Deep South).

And there could be other issues, including sibling issues where the mother feels the brother has been excluding his sister perhaps and doesn’t want to let him continue to have a negative influence on his sister’s social life (just a possibility).

Either way, while I agree it was appropriate to let your daughter choose who to invite, I think it’s always possible to have this outcome, and you should be prepared when you hear that question for that result. Perhaps next time probe more into the reason she’s asking - if it’s just wondering whether she’ll have the day free to herself, or if she has a concern. That way you can talk it over with your daughter and make a fully informed decision.

Answer 2

Joe's answer says pretty much it all, but still I'd like to add a note you may find useful:

From the starting point that these conflicts should be let to the children to solve (not just because they are probably already capable of, but because they also need to learn how to do it), I'd say that it's better to screw up at 12 than at 30! Let your daughter be exposed to problems and disappointments so that she can learn how to deal with them. Your role should be a supportive one, but with as little intervention as possible.

A former coach of mine told me later on that when he treated teenagers as adults, they acted as adults. When he treated them like children, they acted like children. Make your choice!

Answer 3

In this instance, at 12 years old, there is no difference between twins and other siblings of similar age. I will assume all other parents who had only one sibling who was invited, and one sibling of similar age who wasn't, did not complain. The problem was not the twins being twins, it was the parent.

the twin girl “rallied” a few other girls that were not invited to start bad mouthing my kid at an event recently. My daughter was like mom why are they taking about this and me? These girls are mean girls and that’s when I started thinking did I cause this because of the twin invite thing

Mobbing and bullying are a thing that happens to many kids. I personally think experiencing it, seeing how cruel it is, and learning how to stop it makes any child a better person. Your child is now experiencing it, and you and your husband can help with teaching her how to stop it - which is a difficult task that needs to be tailored to her personality, the culture of the bullies, and involves both of your life experiences and a lot of time. The bare minimum you'll need to do is support her - let her know that her decision to invite people she likes and not others was perfectly fine and normal and there is not even the slightest reason for her to doubt that. Of course you mustn't doubt that either.