How can we get some free time (on daily basis)?

Question

I'm a working dad of a 3 m/o boy. My wife is on a leave and she will be a 'full time mom' for several more months. The newborn changed our lives to an extent that we don't have free time, at all (yeah, that must be a news for all of you in 'already parents' category, right?). Our baby boy needs/wants constant care and physical contact, even while sleeping (otherwise he'll wake up screaming, demanding another round of 'rocking'). When I get back from work I start taking care of him while my wife starts doing chores. Most of the time we have to take shifts to eat or go to the bathroom. At the point I managed to put him to sleep, my wife is already sleeping, I'm near the melt down point and have no more energies to do anything else. If I have some fuel left in me, well, than I have to do my part of chores.

To sum it up, at the end of the day, we feel exausted, miserable and grumpy. In our previous life we had a lot of free time for our hobbies/passions and it's so hard not to 'blame' the kid for it.

Notes:

• Grandparents or a nanny are not a viable option.
• I said 'blame' just to express the feeling of weariness, we wanted to have a baby and we're doing our best to take care of its needs and putting all our love and energy into it.
• The baby is healthy, it just doesn't sleep more than 12h/day (and at night sleeps max 3h before waking up to get breastfed)

Can you suggest some ways to carve out some free time for ourselves during the day (I'm not looking for a full day solution - sure, I can take a day off but it's not a 'long term' solution)?

Answer 1

Welcome in the world of exhausted parents! The most important thing first: The great news is while right now you can't really see it, it will get better. What you're going through right now won't last.

Can you suggest some ways to carv out some free time for ourselves during the day

1. Take turns: You'll have to live with the change the baby brings to your routine. Your activities as a couple will become significantly less frequent (I was about to write "nonexistent" but that might be overdoing it). But that doesn't mean each of you can't take some time off every other day. For example, give each other a free evening once or twice a week. Go drink a beer with a friend, get some more sleep, go running, do something for yourself with that time (maybe just an hour).

2. Stop sweating the small stuff: Lots of things aren't all that important right now. For example, if the garden grows over because nobody mows it, or if dust collects because you only vacuum half as much as before, or if dirty dishes collect for a day or two before you wash them, it doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things. So drop doing things that aren't absolutely necessary (and I don't mean just household work -- maybe step back your work schedule too if that's possible). It won't be for long -- you can pick up speed again in six months or in a year.

3. Try introducing feeding your baby with a bottle if you don't already. It might not work, or not reliably, but once it does, feeding becomes independent from having mom present. Also, sometimes formula will satisfy the baby for a bit longer than mother's milk.

4. Simplify taking care of your baby: With our first baby, we tried to do everything exactly right. We measured the temperature of the bottle with a thermometer. We checked and rechecked and discussed everything we did because we weren't sure it was the right thing to do. Turns out they don't die if you get a few things wrong, as long as you get the important stuff right (never ever shake them in a fit of anger, for example, but don't worry if baby prefers to sleep on it's back, or it's stomach, or in whatever position -- there's no need to put it back in the "right" position every ten minutes, etc). All this fussing took an incessant amount of time. Then our twins came along, and we no longer had the luxury of spending all this time worrying about whether we did things the "right" way. Guess what: They all turned out fine.

But in the end, there is no way around the fact that babies take an incredible amount of time, and some even more than others (our first one was a screamer - he did little besides screaming in his waking hours for the first seven months, took forever to fall asleep and never slept more than two hours at a time). So I'm back to my first sentence: It won't last. You only have to survive a few months, and things will get much easier. In the meantime, you'll grow as a person. At the end of it, you'll pity all the people who never had a baby and still don't understand what it means to be responsible for another human being.

Answer 2

As a parent of 3 kids, now ranging from 12 to nearly 18, I can tell you - you will not get time for your hobbies/passions for some years!

Family, friends or babysitters are essential if you want to make time for each other/yourselves, but even those will really only help you relax in the first couple of years.

Getting a good chunk of time requires your children to be old enough that they can go to sleepovers, weekend camps, stay with their grandparents for the weekend etc.

Or... take up some different hobbies in the interim, that you can do whilst holding a sleeping child, for example, or that the child can be part of. Like painting, macrame, etc.

You will get time back eventually, but for now - your baby is fully dependent on you, so you don't have that freedom.

Answer 3

I'm also in the thick of it right now (6 week old) and there are some strategies my husband and I use that really help that I haven't seen mentioned:

Do stuff while breastfeeding

I spend a HUGE amount of time feeding. So I have a breastfeeding setup with cushions, etc, that help me to feed with hands free, or at least with one hand free. I have a boppy pillow which helps a lot. (I sewed my own with a free pattern online). During this time I read, watch movies/TV, play PC games and listen to podcasts. All of the "free time" stuff that can be done sitting with one hand I save for my feeding time. This is also super useful if your baby is inconsolable and wants to use you as a pacifier. I can leave her at my breast for half an hour and not feel the time go by.

Cook in advance

Any stuff I make, I make double. Instead of making dinner for tonight, I make dinner for 2+ nights. It's a bit boring but it means I don't have to spend as much time cooking and washing up afterwards. Also, crockpot recipes are amazing.

Babywear

I have a baby wrap that's just a long stretchy piece of fabric I use to carry our daughter. It takes a bit of practice to get right but she loves it and easily falls asleep in it and I can get a bit more done. I usually wear her while sorting laundry and tidying up a bit. I don't really cook in it or wash dishes though.

One day a week, don't do chores

I have found that if I try to get most stuff done on the other days, and cook in advance, I can fit in one day a week of 'me time' in the evening when I do stuff for me that I can't do while feeding her.

Do stuff together

I know that it feels like you have NO TIME but my husband and I try to watch a TV show together for half an hour in the evening while I'm feeding her. It is a team activity and helps us to feel a bit more sane. We also try to walk (my husband carries our daughter in the wrap) and that helps her sleep and we get to talk. We don't get to do it very often (once a week on a Sunday usually).

Check that you're not keeping your baby up too long

A 3 month old shouldn't be awake for longer than 2 hours between naps. If he's up for longer than that he'll be cranky and overtired. With my daughter I watch my cues for tired (rubbing eyes, yawning) and get her sleeping as soon as possible after that.

Answer 4

I agreed with Rory, family and friends are essential if you can't afford a babysitter. The only time me and my wife sleep fully is when her mother takes care of our baby and we go to another room to sleep.

But we do a few more things at home when we are alone:

Shortcuts to my wife when I am working: We make food for all the week in one time, and put that in the refrigerator, this way she has lunch for the whole week only by using the microwave.

My baby is on formula, so I fill all the bottles with water and buy a recipient that has compartments wherein I can fill the formula already measured, so it's fast.

She can also buy a sling or baby-carrier, if the baby is awake, she carries him around the house to make something, that will unload both of you later.

When I come from work: We finish all the baby and our final routines, we do bathe him, we eat dinner, brush our teeth, so when the night comes, as soon as he falls asleep, we go rushing to our bed.

We try our best to make a big routine after I come from work, we believe this helps him falling asleep.

And about the house, we change to a very organized home, form something like, we do what we can, if we can, our focus is the baby and us at this stage of our lives.

Answer 5

Just to add to the existing answers: consider getting a baby sling.

A good baby sling will free both of your hands when the baby is awake and able to hold its head (which should come soon if yours doesn't already). So instead of needing to cater to the baby and then doing stuff, you end up being able to do both at the same time with the baby happily watching what you're up to. That frees up lots of time.

As a bonus, keep in mind that kids learn to participate at doing stuff in the house as toddlers. If you're not actively showing and making them participate in household chores from the get go, you're setting yourself up to have a kid that will only participate in chores if asked.

Answer 6

One thing that nobody else has mentioned yet that worked great for me is to get a baby swing. I found that I could put my baby in here and it would rock him to sleep and keep him asleep almost as well as I could, meaning I actually had a bit of down time.

Answer 7

First, I love love love that you care and are so aware how important you relationship is! Especially during these hard times. Second, so much of baby responsibility falls on mommy, the fact that you want to take action on this is amazing! And will be well received that you are the “planner” / “ initiator”.
I have a few suggestions: Please share with her how much you care and that you are going to experiment with some ideas and that you’d love her to have an open mind as well as share her thoughts and opinions.
Church- our church had child care services during service . And a coffee shop. That could be a nice weekly “quality date” End of night - maybe about 8pm, turn off the tv, light a candle, serve up two cups of tea and just cuddle and share a story. Even if baby is there you can still have the right environment. Maybe it’s the new nighttime ritual Morning- it’s probably not the best time right now. But maybe make the coffees and sit at the kitchen counter for 30 min. Maybe start and ongoing crossword puzzle or jigsaw puzzle.
After dinner walk- put baby in the stroller and take a walk with mommy. Enjoy the outdoors. Listen to a podcast together while walking.
Taco Tuesday- maybe have little weekly themes as something to look forward to. Uber eats from different Mexican restaurants on Tuesday I hope this starts your creative juices. It’s really tough. But you can do hard things. Good luck. 🍀

Answer 8

This sounds exactly like our experience with our first child --I think it's pretty universal. As other answers have said, it helps to know this isn't permanent. It seems like forever, but it isn't. And in fact, it will start to get better very soon.

A lot of what makes it so tough is psychological --stress and worry and emotional exhaustion. I know this only because our second child was SO much easier. We didn't worry so much, so it wasn't as exhausting. So, one thing to try to do is just don't stress as much. You don't have to do everything perfectly. Make sure you are supportive of each other, not judgemental. That especially goes for you as the husband. Be nothing but completely supportive of your wife, even if you don't always agree.

You aren't both going to be able to take breaks at the same time for a while --that's just a reality. So come up with a schedule and block off at least one hour a day for each of you to take a REAL break. There were entire years where my wife and I alternated spending evenings out of the house --being alone together was a rare and cherished treat.

With that said, it's crucial to keep your bond as spouses tight. A solid marriage makes for happy children. Try to find "together" activities the two of you can do with the child there. As others have mentioned, finding ways to "wear" the baby might help you satisfy his desire for physical closeness while still allowing you to get other things done.