How to respond to 17 year old daughter going out with a 25 year old man?

Question

I have just found out that my 17 year old daughter is going out with a local 25 year old. I feel the age gap is way too big at her age. We're in the UK, so it's perfectly legal.

He does seem a very sensible person. He owns his own successful business although he still lives with parents.

I just think that, at their ages, they cannot possibly have anything in common. They haven't shared the same live experiences, they'll soon want different things, etc. I can only think he's with her for one reason!

I'm concerned that she'll get hurt, pregnant or that, even if they are truly in love, she'll end up growing up too quickly and miss out on things girls her age do like university, traveling, and building a career.

I know its only 8 years difference but it's the difference between him being at an age where he must be thinking about starting a family, marriage, etc and her starting out in life.

I don't know what to do. Do I let them get on with it or should I try to explain my above concerns at the risk of pushing them together?

Answer 1

I was 19 and ran off with a 27 year old woman from America. (I'm British and she is American). My mother disowned me and we didn't speak for a year.

My relationship with my wife lasted 16 years and produced 3 lovely children. So I could never say 'it was a mistake'. But. I was reckless and foolish and as an adult 20 years later I can easily recognize this.

However, as MY children reach their teenage years I of course see everything from the perspective as a parent.

I think the most important thing to do is not push your daughter away with any shouting matches or 'you are doing the wrong thing' this is what my mother did and although she was doing her best in a difficult situation - the shouting and threats simply pushed me away further.

The new found love that your daughter has found is fantastically powerful and she is overwhelmed with feelings in so much that nothing else truly matters. It's like a drug and despite parents, friends, or even common sense whispering behind the scenes 'don't do this'. She continues because the feelings she has are too strong.

You have every right to express your concerns. But I would be careful in how you deliver your feelings. Recognize the powerful grip the 25 yr old has and that is normal. She is 'in lust mode' and everything is rosy.

I would try and create a containment bubble around a situation you have limited control over but in reality you do have a way to contain the situation.

For instance:

1. You have knowledge of the guys work and living situation.
2. They presumably live close
3. You have another set of parents you can communicate with.
4. You KNOW about the situation. It's not a secret.

So don't panic. These are good things.

Outline your concerns but let your daughter know you love and support her and that it is only natural for you to be worried. Reinforce her education about the risks of getting pregnant and maybe set some soft rules like 'education comes first' Maybe she is in sixth form. I don't know.

It could be that the relationship is successful but if something goes wrong be sure she knows you are there for her if things collapse.

I get myself sick with worry in regards to my kids. But at the end of the day, I know at least they are healthy and safe.

You sound like a great parent and I wish the very best to you and your daughter.

Answer 2

I don't know what to do, do I let them get on with it or should I try to explain my above concerns at the risk of pushing them together?

Why not do both?

It's natural to be concerned. You might also be concerned if he were 17, given that what you are afraid of (her getting hurt, pregnant, or growing up too quickly, or him being with her just for one reason) can easily happen with a 17 year old boyfriend too. While such concerns are natural, and perfectly understandable, they are also irrational. It's not likely that anything worse will happen to her with this "sensible" 25 year old, than what would happen with a random 17 year old.

Your daughter is an adult now, in all but the legal sense, so treat her like an adult. You can not tell her to stop seeing her boyfriend, and you should not warn her from her boyfriend only to be able to tell her "I told you so" when/if things go south.

What you can do, depending on your relationship to her, is to share your concerns, while acknowledging that they are irrational. That way you don't force her to change her life, yet still make her aware of the concerns.

Answer 3

Several answers already, but I want to address a couple of your concerns.

You are worried about your daughter missing opportunities (travelling, studies). I started dating my wife when she was barely 17, and I was 28. We married two years later, and had our first daughter 9 months after we married, with my wife still 19.

That was 20 years ago, so I can tell you how it turned out.

• We are happier than ever.

• We have 7 amazing kids, ages 18 to 2. Our oldest is already succeding at university.

• In between having kids, my wife obtained a BA Honours in Psychology, then went to earn an MA in Philosophy, and is now working on her Ph.D. All three in English, which she started learning after marriage.

• Travelling: since marriage, my wife has done 15+ major international leisure trips (flights longer than 10 hours) and many more shorter trips (say, we have driven across all Canadian provinces several times, about 25 US states, and about half of Mexico), lots of camping, ski trips, etc.

• On top of the above three points, she still finds time to volunteer, and to be the favourite mom among our kids' friends.

All in all, most likely not what my father in law had in mind when she was little, but an exciting life.

Answer 4

The general rule of thumb for age appropriateness is half plus 7.

The obligatory XKCD cartoon:

25 and 17 is slightly over. However, generally speaking women mature earlier than men. Assuming your daughter is at least average maturity for her age, and there are no other worrying signs, I wouldn't worry too much. It could also be a lot worse.

You also say 'going out' - i.e. they aren't (yet) setting up a home and living together. Your daughter is, as you point out, an adult with all that entails, including the freedom to make her own mistakes.

I can only think he's with her for one reason!

A theoretical 17 year old man could equally, if not more so, be with her for only one reason. Equally, becoming pregnant and having to postpone things such as career isn't age relevant.

I'd recommend waiting. If the relationship develops, you could express your concerns, though not in a judgemental way - otherwise you could risk damaging your relationship with your daughter and pushing them together.

Answer 5

I don't know if it helps, but when I met my girlfriend she was 16 and I was 23, one year later we came together. At that age I was working but lived with my mother. She went to high school and lived with her parents. Since then almost 4 years past and we live together in another city and we are both happy and in love.

Since the first time I feel like she is the perfect match for me and she thinks also like that. I was afraid in the beginning that this age difference could be a problem, but it's not. She was grown up enough in thinking and I never felt like I'm dating a "child".

I was able to share my feelings and my experience about finishing exams at high school, about university also I was able to live those things again. We enjoy the same kind of music, movies and thinking the same about life. My career path and what I'm doing helped her to find out what she want to do after university. But I could also mention many things in she helped me to achieve (including move out from home). And many of these are not age-related.

Of course your daughter can get hurt, but that's possible in every single relationship. The same about getting pregnant. And what can she miss? I think if you raised her well enough, than she won't do anything stupid and still she can go to university, travel and build her career, just as my girlfriend is doing.

I remember the reactions from both her mother and mine, and those were awful. In my opinion you should try to get to know her boyfriend and treat him as you would like to be treated. In my opinion you can do the biggest harm if you overthink this situation.

Answer 6

Is it love? You have not even mentioned that important fact.

As others have said, you need to have some serious talks with your daughter. If she thinks she is in love, but the subject of marriage has not come up, you still have time. Use it but don't alienate her. If this person is going to join your family, it should be on friendly and welcoming terms.

If the subject of marriage has come up, you can start bargaining of some kind. Ask if they can wait for marriage until she finishes her education. Even if she does not work as a married woman, divorce or widowhood is not a remote possibility, and if she has no marketable skills, she will find herself falling upon difficult times. If they don't want to wait, then ask the husband to carry ample life insurance should the worst happen.

All these subjects can be discussed honestly and with respect.

Answer 7

As a guy who watched lots of the girls his age at college start to date guys 5+ years older than themselves I remember feeling jealous at the great insight they were able to get from those experiences. Children with older brothers or sisters are usually much more sensible and grown up than those without, and the same goes for girls who date older men. It's probably just a sign that she is highly intelligent and mature for her age anyway.

Women mature much quicker than men and by dating up in this way they continue to surround themselves with much more mature and sensible people.

It totally depends on the character of this person - which by the sounds of it is good - but he may be a really good influence on her. Far better than dating a guy her own age. Do you remember what you were like at 17? Weren't boys at that age more likely to be 'only after one thing?' It's no wonder women aren't interested in men their own age. Teenage boys have literally nothing of value to offer anyone.

Also anything you do say or do will only make the situation bad between you and her. If he actually mistreats her or starts seeming like a bad influence then sure jump in there and say something, but otherwise you are probably worrying needlessly and causing undue drama.

My 2 cents.

Answer 8

25-year-old, single male from the UK here and I wonder if my perspective might be useful.

Whilst the people I go on dates with are somewhere between 20-30 (I use an app that allows you to configure this) and I'd be very cautious at dating anybody younger, I wouldn't necessarily draw the line at dating a 17-year-old if they seemed mature (and that's something exists almost entirely independently of age).

You obviously can't force them apart and so I think the best thing you can do is try to open a dialog and get to know this guy and later on - if it's appropriate - with his parents/family.

Invite him for dinner and family days out. In this way, you'll be able to keep a weather eye on things.

With regards to her education and career, you really only can do what any normal parent would do with a 17-year-old, that is, encourage them in the right direction.

Travelling is something she will or won't do of her own accord and isn't a pre-requisite to successful grown-upping.

Regarding pregnancy however, you ought to encourage her use of contraception. The kind would be some sort of implant that require her to make a conscious decision to discontinue use.

I hope this of some comfort.

Answer 9

First and foremost, let me just state, I think I get where you're coming from. You have legitimate concerns: What do they have in common? What experiences and mutual understanding could they even build a healthy connection on? Could they possibly have a meaningful future together in the long-term? Is he just using her or taking advantage?

I'm going to suggest something that the other answers touch upon, but in a more actionable, what-can-you-do-right-now way: Re-word these concerns into questions, and ask your daughter these questions. Try to word them so they don't give off an impression of being against the relationship: I think you'll get the best results by opening the conversation with the attitude that you're just curious and want to better understand what your daughter is currently going through.

That's not to say that you shouldn't already disapprove - while I personally wouldn't start feeling disapproval just from what you've described, your feelings are very understandable - but regardless of how you might initially feel, you can always tell her you disapprove a little later, once you've gotten as much of her perspective as she's willing to share. But at first, it's better if you can be simply inquisitive: You don't want her to feel like you've already made up your mind before you've had a chance to thoroughly discuss it, right? I think sometimes people just disengage and become resistant to anything we say if they feel we're already against what they're doing, which reduces our ability to actually help them significantly.

Approaching with an inquisitive attitude helps everyone involved: If you ultimately decide you disapprove or that there are real concerns, you'll be able to present your position much more thoroughly, pointing to the concerning details from what she herself has told you. In the process of asking her these questions, she might even start thinking about issues she might have overlooked herself. And maybe in the process, you'll learn something about why they're drawn to each other and how they both think and feel that makes you feel more comfortable with the whole thing.

Personally, I'd just start with something like "hey, I was just wondering, could you tell me more about how this relationship started and what made you like him?". Unfortunately, it can be hard to find a way to word things without causing misinterpretations. For example, at least where I'm from, a curt and direct "So what do you see in him" can give a very negative, even judgmental impression, even though taken literally it's almost the same question. So maybe soften it with clarification, like "don't take this the wrong way, I'm just asking so that I understand what you're thinking and feeling, because I've decided that since this relationship seems to be important to you, I want to fully understand where that's coming from".

I think this a good starting point - it immediately gets at the root of investigating how much your concerns apply to this specific case, helps lead your daughter to spotting any problems that might be looming in this relationship without just making her feel like she's being told "no", builds mutual understanding and a possibility of openly discussing relationships, including the tough parts, between you and your daughter, and has the opportunity to show her by example what kind of questions to ask when figuring out if a person is right for her in a relationship.

Best case scenario, she and her romantic interest will positively surprise you with mature and well-considered perspectives on why they're right for each other. But if not, I think the above will put both you and your daughter in a better position to navigate any troubles that might come up, together.

Answer 10

One thing which no other post has covered, and which you probably don't want to hear, but is the plain and brutal truth...

Sex is REALLY fun. Younger people are still learning and experimenting with what they can do, and they naturally want to do as much of it as they can, and have it be as enjoyable as possible.

As a rational person, it would make complete sense for her to get her experiences of what it should be like with someone who is actually competent. Most guys her own age are not going to be highly competent, so it makes sense for her not to play with them. 25 is close enough to her own age that it isn't creepy, but is still old enough that he's got the experience to know what he's doing.

The truth may simply be that she has no interest in a long-term romantic relationship with him, and they are purely enjoying having sex with each other. You might not like to hear this about your 17-year-old daughter, but you do need to face that she has sexual needs and as an adult is fully entitled to do absolutely anything she likes with absolutely anyone she chooses. You can choose what happens under your roof of course, and you can intervene if time spent with him is detracting from her school/college work, but that's about the limit of it.

Answer 11

Your main motivation is probably to protect your daughter from whatever harm may befall her.

I would concentrate on exactly this, and only this.

This means that you leave everything regarding feelings, broken hearts, morality and so on to her to decide or experience on her own. That's her obligation and lawful right. It's basic accountability. She's of age, which goes both ways.

I see two objective risks you have to be concerned about:

1. Her getting pregnant and the boy leaving her to fend for herself.
2. Being in an abusive relationship which will leave her earnestly damaged.

(And maybe 3. he trying to get some material value out of it, but I assume there is no risk of that as she probably doesn't own anything that he could possibly steal - this would be a consideration for a much later phase of life.)

Both those things would do real damage to her, likely for life.

What to do about this? You should try to stay close to both of them (or at least her) so she has you as a confidante, a trustworthy person - i.e., when signs of trouble appear, she will tell you. You cannot expect to be successful in digging around behind her back anyways. So, support her, make sure she knows that you are there for her, be (truly) happy that she found someone etc.

You can try to pull the guy into the family; i.e., invite him to BBQs, that kind of thing. Make those relaxed events, not "tests".

If and when you see signs of danger; then you act, with decisiveness. By supporting her, confronting the boy, and so on.

Aside from that, you have precious little leverage, and being negative about it upfront will likely spoil whatever "power" you have in the situation.

Answer 12

Get to know him as a friend

I heard stories from my parents: when he took her home after a date, it was her bedtime (she was in high school), so she would retire to her room. But he would stay on with her parents, playing cards sometimes late into the night.

So, her parents (my maternal grandparents) got to know Dad as a friend and potential son-in-law, through their own play-dates, not just from whole-family gatherings.

I suggest trying that.

---

Also, they were only 4½ years apart, but that was still enough to be in “different places”. But things were different then — she was trained by her mother to be a housewife and was not expected to go to school past 12th grade. Her own mother only went to school through 8th grade, which was normal for girls at that time.

So, it seems to me that the issue isn't the difference in their ages, so much as that she's too young (in this time) to have a serious relationship that could be potentially long term. A younger man would realize that they both have further life changes, but he might already be on a career track. But that depends on the career: he might still have yeaes of school and internships ahead, too! So maybe they are closer together in terms of life stages, than implied in the post.

So we really can’t know, from the information given, how the age difference is really going to present itself.

So I repeat my conclusion above: get to know him as an individual with a separate relationship than your daughter’s “plus one”.

Answer 13

It is perfectly reasonable for you to be feeling anxious about the well being of your daughter. Age differences aside, she is moving into a life of her own. Training wheels are off and she is going out into the world. There's always something you could find to be worried about as a parent. If it's not age difference in the guy she's dating, it could be something else.

But let's look at some of the biggest concerns you've mentioned.

I'm concerned that she'll get hurt, pregnant or that even if they are truly in love that she'll end up growing up too quickly and miss out on what girls her age do, university, traveling building a career.

The risk of being hurt in a relationship is universal. I don't think that is any more or less likely due to a mildly larger age gap than might be expected of a young woman. There are certainly couples with a larger age gap who are happy. There's really no guarantee and she just has to live through her own relationship experience.

As far as getting pregnant, throughout human history, nay mammalian history, females have served an integral role as mothers. It's a relatively recent and perhaps even baseless assumption that she will be happier pursuing university studies and a career. What is there to worry about her missing out on or that she will grow up to quickly if she finds a fulfilling life as a mother, just as many women have throughout history? Yes, even those mothers who are young by modern expectations can have a very fulfilling life.

But all of the studies showing stay at home moms are happier and all of the examples of childless women who pursued their careers and ended up with regrets really don't mean anything when it comes to what will be the best life for your daughter. She may find that she wants to pursue that university and career path after all. Either way, if you are going to adopt the modern outlook on such things, you are going to have to accept that it's entirely up to her to choose her own path in life.

I know the real concern. You don't want to end up taking care of another newborn! Well, provided her partner has his life together, you could be a proud grandfather. Hopefully they are responsible enough to plan such a thing without any surprises. But if she gets pregnant and it doesn't work out, he's in a far worse situation than she. It's in his best interest to not get her pregnant because these days a man can lose all of his parenting rights and every penny he makes in such a situation. It's certainly cause for hesitation. Maybe it would put you at ease to remind him that family courts most certainly will not be on his side and gauge how sensible he is when it comes to responsibly having premarital sex with your daughter.

He does seem a very sensible person, he owns his own successful business although still living with parents.

It sounds like they have something in common. Hey he could be a lot more mature and experienced than the guys her age. It could very well be much worse. Unless there's some specific cause for alarm, I can't see anything to worry about here any more than if she were dating a guy who is 20.

I hope it helps.

Answer 14

I can only speak from personal experience here, but I'd like to offer my two cents.

I got together with my current girlfriend when she was 16 and I was 22. Not AS big a difference, but a significant enough of one to be a concern for myself as well as it took a long time for me to be truly sure her parents approved. It was rather awkward for me to ask about it, as you'll understand, but it would have saved us all quite a bit of a headache if we had opened this conversation from either side.

The core reason I didn't go around my girlfriend to ask her parents this was mostly out of respect for her autonomy. She was "old for her age", and in the end it turned out her parents had never expected differently from her.

Try to have this conversation with him. You'll both be glad you did.

Answer 15

Reading some of the other answers, I think everyone is pushing too much advice onto you and as a parent you already know much of what they are saying.

I want to recap on some of the other answers and add some practical advice:

1. Become closer to her boyfriend and carefully insert yourself into his life. You can do this by asking a favour from him and/or his family that makes him feel useful and go from there.

2. Have a conversation with your daughter about her excitement and experience instead of voicing your concerns. Make it about sharing what she is going through and what her fears are. Reassure her that love is not something to be afraid of. Tell her to embrace the intensity of her emotions so she can always remember these feelings.

3. Begin placing responsibility onto your daughter that keeps her involved in her own family's life. For example you can decide that Sundays she must help you to cook so that you can pass on your tricks to her.

4. Go with her to do STI screenings and teach her that one must always keep getting checked regardless of monogamy and commitment. It's just good habit.

5. You already sound like a great parent so just continue being that. My first love was 14 years older than me and I can tell you that your concerns are justified. If he begins to mistreat her or you see any signs of emotional abuse then you can put your foot down in a loving and parental way. 17 is not grown up, she does need to be protected. Her boyfriend (and his family) should be well aware of this fact.

Answer 16

I do think the teen/twenties coupling can be sometimes awkward or downright suspicious especially if the male is older.

Parental concern is a legitimate function, especially father/daughter, and you are very much obligated as a parent. Things are above-board and within bounds, it seems. If you trust your daughters judgement and maturity then you can ration your concerns (or reserve them for indications of the pace of progress in the relationship). Relative age difference will diminish quickly over time.

I don't have much else to add but I would bring you to note that age is not just a chronological number. There is biological age and your mental and emotional age to consider. The specific circumstances in your daughter's instance might not be out of order.

Always keep some concern. You know what males are.

Answer 17

Your daughter is in a high risk, but also high reward situation. You can't and shouldn't prevent the relationship, but you should set some ground rules to minimize the risks, and maximize the rewards.

I am reminded of an old (American) story of a 19-year old girl who chased (and won) a 31-year old military officer, who later became a General, William Westmoreland. At an early age, she had latched on to a "winner," and her life was made. I see a possibility of that happening here.

It's comforting to know that the young man "seems a very sensible person, and owns his own successful business." Under the circumstances, even his living with his parents is a plus, because it might have moderated his otherwise "bachelor" ways. If he is also "honourable," and this is the key, he will protect your daughter. If this is the case, "the game is worth the candle." This opportunity came earlier in your daughter's life than you are I would like to see, but it may be worth exploring because there may be few others like it.

The main thing is to set some standards. First, that "protection" is used for all physical activities. Second, that she keeps track of where the relationship is at all times. Third, that she comes to you for help and guidance if she ever feels that she's in over her head.

Adolescent girls are more mature than guys (by several years), in the late teens and early 20s. So the eight year difference in ages may be more like four or five in maturity. It could be that two people who are both unusually mature for their ages "found" each other at a young age. If that's the case, they will be more compatible over the long term than either with other, more "random," people closer to their own age. It's also possible that one or both of them senses this. As parents, I wouldn't stand in their way, but I would "stand by" for possible trouble.

Answer 18

I'm sure that I am reviving a topic that doesn't need reviving, but I am certainly astonished that the answers so far mention nothing of the power imbalance that will exist in this relationship. As a 25 year old man, he has 8 extra years of experience to use against any qualms that she has with the way that she is being treated.

This is a situation in which Gaslighting would be extraordinarily simple for the boyfriend. Not that it is an inevitability, but getting to know the man (as is suggested in other answers) is absolutely necessary to rule this out. Other than that, the other answerers have covered the bases well by recommending to really get to know the man, as well as connect with the daughter. Explaining your own feelings as a parent might not be received well right away; With proper discussion, and if the daughter is truly as mature as all the other answerers seem to assume, I'm sure that she will easily understand and even appreciate the concern from the parent.

EDIT:

Since it seems that my answer is not being well received, I'll try to back up my claim a little more. I want to clarify that there is not necessarily anything wrong with an age gap in a relationship, even one of 8 years. The primary concern that I wanted to bring up was the age difference in combination with the actual ages in question. 8 years is nearly half of the daughter's life, compared to a third of the man's (basic math, I know. But the difference is much more pronounced here than in a relationship between a 40 and a 48 year old, even if eventually this relationship could end up like that). When someone is 17 they know very little, despite what they may think, about life as an adult, and the things to watch out for in a relationship. A 25 year old still doesn't know much, but they know a heck of a lot more than they did 8 years ago. A lot changes between 17 and 25, especially when it comes to relationships. Chances are that the 17 year old doesn't have a ton of data to look back on when it comes to good and bad relationships. This is the ammunition that a someone acting in bad faith can use against someone who, for lack of a better term, "doesn't know any better." A bad person can use this gap in "power" as a guilt trip for someone less experienced, and a good person can use it as a teaching opportunity and help their partner to grow. The closer in age that the two are, the less effective this guilt trip (gaslighting, mentioned above) is.

(I want to mention also that I'm not saying that it is impossible for some boy her own age to take just as much advantage of her as someone who is 25. of course there are bad people at all ages. What I am saying, is that it will be much, much easier for the partner, the older they are.)

In America, I believe that the average age people lose their virginity is around 17-18, meaning that (on average, assuming they are in the US) this man might have 8 years of sexual experience that the daughter is completely void of. This can be a very good thing, but it can also be very dangerous. I'm sure that I don't need to elaborate there. It all depends on the person in the question.

In case I need to reiterate it again: It is totally valid for a parent to feel concerned about a relationship like the OP has described. Once they have ruled out the possible dangers, and they are comfortable with the man and his personality, then there is absolutely no reason for them to be upset about a relationship like this. It is, however, plainly irresponsible as a parent of a 17yo (still a minor, still legally the parent's responsibility) to blindly believe that there is no need for concern at all.