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Hi bit of a long post.

My eleven-year-old daughter is currently waiting assessment with calms for anxiety. It’s been on going for years but starting high school really set it off again. She was confused with her sexuality, so we sat down and explained to her that all this is normal and in time she’ll know. She then said she heard me and her dad having sex one night. We explained that this is normal and that’s what married couples do. Since then, she’s been obsessed with sex. She sexualises everything and anyone, including people in the family.

We are a very open family and will sit down and explain stuff to her. She’s heard kids talking in the school about different sexual things and I’ve explained these to her.

My fear is she’s going to say something that’s going to get someone into trouble who hasn’t done anything wrong. She says she doesn’t know why she thinks like this and she can’t help but see everything as sexual. I’m really at my wits end.

Someone mentioned to me that it might be OCD linked with the anxiety, but the lies are getting really serious and she doesn’t really care who she’s hurting. I don’t know where to turn to or what to do. Has anyone been through something similar?

I’ve asked her if anything sexual has happened to her, and she says no.

—— from another post —-

This started after she got the sexual health talk at school. For example, if there's something white on someone's trousers, she might ask if it's cum, because people at school have been talking about it, and she's been saying things like "I think I fancy my football coach," etc. I'm trying to explain that these men don't see her like that, and they're there to teach her and guide her.

Thank you Paul for posting that link to other parents child this 100% sounds like my daughter! And how it came out the blue! The lies I’ve probably worded this wrong as I meant like telling me she fancied her football coach I was scared she’d say something and get that coach into trouble etc… my daughter isn’t getting sexually abused I’ve sat most nights having deep conversations with my daughter as I say we’re a very open family and she’s with me most of the time except her hobbies! The past 2 weeks she’s been obsessed with swimming but then was coming home telling me she thought she fancied the life guard but that link Paul posted most of it sounds exactly what my daughter is like! Thank you for all your help we had a phone call with Calms and are awaiting our face to face appointment

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  • How old is your daughter? Sep 20, 2023 at 10:34
  • I've edited this to put it into sentences and paragraphs, to make it easier to read. Can you check I've got it right? Sep 20, 2023 at 10:34
  • You talk about her "sexualising" situations, and "lies". Do you mean she is making up stories about having sex with people she knows? Sep 20, 2023 at 10:36
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    What are the lies in question? You mention it in the title and say you're worried they'll get worse, but what are they about? What is their context? If she's lying about her feelings, that's a very different situation from lying about sexual acts, for instance.
    – Aos Sidhe
    Sep 22, 2023 at 17:13
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    @user21820 I disagree. Lying is immoral, but a normal part of development. Anxiety is normal, though not to this degree. Sexualizing isn't uncommon, but this degree is. The first two combined could be normal development, but adding pervasive sexualization makes the entire thing extremely concerning. If a child suddenly shows abnormal interest in/knowledge of sex and significant other behavioral changes (esp. anxiety, lying, bedwetting, isolation, clinginess, etc.) that's a huge red flag and should be addressed immediately. Morality isn't the issue here; the safety of the child is.
    – Aos Sidhe
    Sep 27, 2023 at 13:35

1 Answer 1

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I don’t know where to turn to or what to do.

It sounds like you've done the right things so far, but you still need help. Now you need to find a therapist who specializes in kids in your daughter's age range and make an appointment. If you don't know how to find one, ask your daughter's doctor. Her doctor should be aware of this situation anyway, because it's a problem which is distressing to her and her family.

If she has OCD, it's relatively easy to treat. Sometimes just becoming educated about OCD, recognizing the mechanisms involved in the intrusive thoughts, is enough to relieve the anxiety associated with it. But she needs expert help to learn to cope with it.

If it's severe, there are meds to treat this, and they are very effective. They need not be taken forever; they could just provide relief and time to learn to cope with the condition. The therapist might also know of support groups for parents of kids with OCD in real life or online. It helps to know you're not alone and that as parents, this is not something you did or that you can control.

If it's not OCD, the therapist should either figure out what is going on, or refer her to someone who can. As for her lies, the therapist can provide you the comfort of a diagnosis to combat those lies.

What will probably not help you, unfortunately, is asking if anyone else has had this problem, because everyone is different, and what worked for some won't work for others. There probably are many parents who have had something similar happen with your kids, but your daughter is suffering right now, and your responsibility to her as a parent is to get her some help of a kind that will be of benefit to her unique situation.

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