My husband and I have been married for 10 years, and we have three kids. He is not the biological father of my oldest son, who is 6. I am confused about the best way to talk to my son about his parentage.
The biological father of my son is black. My husband is white. Naturally, my oldest looks very different from his brother and sister, who have blond hair/blue eyes. Because of his different coloring, my son has had people ask him if he is adopted. As he gets older the difference between him and the other kids only becomes more pronounced.
I have no contact with the biological father. The biological father does not know my son exists. It was an isolated incident about which I have some personal confusion. I was overseas away from my husband. I was very drunk, I told the biological father I didn't want sex, but he had sex with me anyway. I have wondered if I was raped, but to call it rape seems like a cop-out since I was acting horribly and am responsible for being in that situation in the first place.
I have thought about the fact that if I call it rape, then that looks better socially for me (with my in-laws, etc). But then what does it feel like for my son to eventually hear that his biological father raped me? Besides, as I said, I was very drunk and cannot be 100% certain that it was rape. I also want to make allowances for the possibility that my son way want to contact his biological father when he grows up.
My husband and I reconciled shortly after I found out I was pregnant. He is wonderful and loves my son as his own. He is the only father my son has ever known.
I am biracial myself. When my son was born we thought his darker coloring might be due to my mixed heritage. However the subsequent birth of two very white children now has everyone wondering. When my mother in law suggested my husband might not be his father, my husband got angry and basically told her to mind her own business...which she does for now. I don't think we can avoid it forever and and still have a relationship, though. Especially if the child himself knows.
I am feeling very confused by all this. Please, does anyone have suggestions about a non-damaging way to explain to a 6-year-old why he looks so different from his dad, brother, and sister?