What should I call my 10 year old son in terms of "manhood education"?

Question

My son Albert is 10 years old. My wife and I have been calling him sweetie. I guess it is appropriate for my wife to call him that way.

I'm his father and I want to develop his manhood. What should I call him?

By "develop his manhood" and "his manhood", I mean raise him to be a real man, e.g. strong-willed (in a good way), brave the challenges, etc.

The concern about I calling him sweetie is that sounds I treat him as a little boy rather than a man. To be honest, I don't know whether I'm right and that's why I posed this question.

Answer 1

There is no nickname on God's green earth that will make a person "a real man".* That comes from teaching by example what a real man is every single day for a couple of decades. There's a reason that there are lots of folksy sayings to point this out (e.g. "like father, like son" and "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.")

I can see no serious problems with a nickname derived from a loving feeling and used lovingly. One of my sons had some mighty strange nicknames: "Boodie-Boo", "Boots", and "Pokey". The latter came about because when he was about three, we were all in a shopping mall where he was walking slowly, and I said, "Come on, Pokey, or we'll lose you", to which he responded, "I'm Pokey the Stranger." I doubt he knew what "pokey" meant, and it was so strange and funny that we called him Pokey the Stranger for a while (which he loved), which then got shortened to Pokey.

Another son was "Peasom", "Possum", and "Blossom" for a long time, because when I was pregnant, I referred to him as "Sweet Pea"; while he was indeed very sweet, after his birth it seemed he was too male to be a sweet pea, so it became Peasom, then (because language works this way) "Peasom Possum" and "Possum Blossom", among less strange nicknames. Neither my husband nor I thought this was emasculating in any way. He was just so much loved that just his regular name was not expressive enough of that love.

That said (and understood), there are lots of nicknames that aren't loving or kind. There are depersonalizing nicknames ("Kid", "Champ"), overly masculine nicknames ("Cowboy", "Stud"), over-achiever nicknames, etc. Avoiding them helps with self-esteem. Also, as A. bakker pointed out, only use loving nicknames when there's no harm of humiliation in front of friends/family/others.

I guess all I'm saying is that in the course of life and loving a child, nicknames are born. They make someone feel loved. The first son I mentioned confessed to me recently that he likes it when I call him Boots, so I still call him that (he's 30 now, married, and has 2 kids.)

Names don't make a man "manly". A good life example does.

*_{Johnny Cash has a funny song about A Boy Named Sue.}

Answer 2

Teenagers can be acutely embarrassed by such appellations whether they be male or female.

There may come a time, possibly before his teens, that he will start to wince at being called "sweetie". Then is the time to take stock and take pity. Don't wait for him to complain - simply ask how he would like to be addressed. This may differ in public and in private.

I remember at school having to reveal what was to me an embarrassing middle name. It came from a grandmother's surname but sounded vaguely 'rude'. I actually changed my name by deed poll in later life and removed that middle name. I don't regret it.

Incidentally you may be interested in the scientifically unsubstantiated but nevertheless anecdotally plausible phenomenon of nominative determinism - it might be relevant.

Nominative determinism is the hypothesis that people tend to gravitate towards areas of work that fit their names. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nominative_determinism

Answer 3

Terms like sweetie does not devalue his manhood in anyway, and well it's just a motherly thing to call your child. That being said, reduce it to private situations only, so don't call him sweetie when shopping/when his friends are there. Not because it's not manly, but because it is embarrassing even if it were concerning a daughter instead of a son. If you want to be more mature towards him call him by his name or a shortened version (Like Mike for Michael, but nothing that belittles the name like Mickey)

But if you want to make him "manly", find something you both have interests in and beat him at it. Why? the best way to become stronger is through failure. For example with sports or gaming or what ever. Start playing together and when he has the hang of it against each other. You should both beat him and support him continuing after being beaten.

This way you will teach him that you can't always win, but you don' have to. As long as you don't give up you will become better and eventually win. Also help him become stronger, because another important lesson is that there is no shame in asking for help :)

Answer 4

Your edit introduces some wiggle room that I didn't notice in your first post, which I'll seize upon to say that, no, I don't think you're on the right track in this ambition.

I think that we can't know the particulars of what the masculinity that will prosper in our children's lives will look like, but I have a feeling it will not be exactly what masculinity has been for us. It is my impression that the idea of masculinity among young people today is a lot more permissive than what I grew up with. Obvious speculation aside, what I think holds true regardless of whether we'll see a change in the zeitgeist, is that the current masculine norm is inhibiting and harming men. I think in sticking with the loving nicknames, you are sending a powerful signal to your child, and ot just that he is loved by both his parents, but that access to and ability to express affection and love is not a trait that inevitably has to be lost in the transition to an adult male.

I definitely vote "sweetie". If you're not persuaded, however, the straightforward answer to your question is to go with "kiddo", like Christian Slater in Mr Robot. It carries all the emotional detachment that'll signal that "boys don't cry" vibe.

Answer 5

I default just call my kids by their names, ever since they're born. Calling him Albert should be fine. It acknowledges that he is a person, with his own individuality, responsible for his actions.

Answer 6

One very common solution that I don't think anyone has mentioned, is to simply call him "Son".

Come on Son, you'll be late for school!

Okay Dad!

It wasn't used in my family but I've heard it used it the UK and US.

This usage is not at all formal, it has the same level of informality as "Dad". It has an affectionate quality about it - an implication that the father is proud to let the world know that this is his son.

Incidentally, to my knowledge, this is much more common between father and son than it is between mother and son.

Answer 7

I remember many boys in my school making the transition from diminutives, like Danny or Johnny, to using their full names such as Daniel or John around this age. I think in terms of your son feeling like he's growing up, an outward facing change like this one, is probably more important than what he is called at home. If he has a diminutive that he has been using at school, you might want to discuss with him if he wants to transition to the full name.

At home, using a nickname like "Sweetie", signals the special relationship that you share with your son. If you stop using that nickname, he may worry that your relationship is changing, which can be scary. I agree with other answers about asking him whether he would like a new "grown-up" nickname.

He may prefer to keep the old nickname. At about this age, I stopped calling my mom "Mom", because I thought it was childish. She came to me and told me that she would prefer to be called "Mom" because it signaled our relationship, so I continue to this day. Knowing that she valued being my "Mom" was a special feeling.

Answer 8

"Son" is a very traditional term that would be used. It emphasises the father-son relationship but is not a 'kiddie' term and has overtones of warmth without implying disrespect. It also is of course a strongly 'male' term rather than 'sweetie' which is perhaps a little feminine, if you want to instill traditional conservative values (reading between the lines, I might be over-thinking this).

Answer 9

You should focus less on what nickname will create the desired 'growth' of your son, and more on what nickname you and your son like.

This is not just because of regular parental advice to let your son grow as he wants, but because his connection to you is the one thing that will encourage positive growth as a man.

Your son will model his behavior after what he sees you do, based on how strong your bond is with him. So pick a nickname that you like, and use it if he likes it too - if he doesn't, pick a different one.

Answer 10

Sometimes people ask this sort of question because they can feel a problem with the relationship and have suspicions about contributing factors. So I'll treat it as such.

If I had to be very succinct, I would say that you need to call him something that does not cast him in the "role" of a man, but rather that conveys respect for some of his qualities. (Of course the respect must be something you genuinely feel.)

It could be something like "my strong man" or "brains" or fighter or keen-eyes or whatever is significant to you. Even "sonny" confers you are proud of him as a son. You have to be careful it doesn't go to his head. Everyone is different but you know him well and probably have a good idea of how it might affect him. Some things will be more embarrassing in public than others. And you don't have to limit yourself to one nickname.

The nickname by itself isn't that big of a deal, but your choice to change it would be rooted in a deeper change in your attitude and would thus be symbolic of it. In turn it would be symbolic for him. People today underrate the importance of symbols, IMO.

Answer 11

I just don't want to fall into the pit of discussing gender issues and gender stereotypes, so in a framework of my question I'll define for myself what you name "developing manhood" as developing ability to be a responsible, strong and responsible member of society. I honestly don't think that this has anything to do with gender but I can answer to a question "Does calling my soon-to-be a teenager son sweetie somehow affects his chances to become a psychologically secure and responsible adult".

In my opinion (and my experience) it doesn't. Call your son whatever you and him feel are fine with. It's not like that you will be disappointed in his life choices and blaming it on calling him sweetie.

Answer 12

Talk is not important.

Do and (if applicable) involve him.

That's how children absorb personality from their parents.

You have a complete freedom about "Do" as long as your son can see, hear and (at least barely) understand.

Dealing with other people, sports, DIY projects/repairs, filling a tax forms, your actual work, whatever. Everything is good.

If you do something not in the best way (as you see it), improve yourself. The son will follow.

Answer 13

If you wife calls him sweetie until he's 18, that's fine. Call him whatever you want that makes sense to you and that he likes, tiger, boss, champ, tarzan, and variations of his real name.

Everyone needs a good name for their close ones, check nicknames related to albert: https://bestnicknametees.com/boys-names/letter-a-boys/albert/

https://nickfinder.com/Albert