How do I deal with the father of my child hating my parents?

Question

Some backstory

The father of my child - I'll call him Bob - and I met when I was a freshman in college. We dated for 4 years and in that time he never got along with my parents. They were either "demeaning" or "disrespectful" and I had quite a few fights with them for my independence during that time. After we had been dating about 3 years, I got pregnant and that caused all sorts of issues. My parents, who are traditional Catholics, were appalled and angry and insisted that we get married. "Bob" was furious at them for their reaction. We never got married (thank God) and ended up splitting up a year later for a variety of reasons.

My parents and I have had our set of issues over the years, as I fought for my independence, and after I got pregnant, we went almost a full year not talking. Now (two years after my daughter was born), our relationship has finally started to mend and I have been speaking to them more and more frequently.

Bob and I get along now, and he has begun taking on a lot more responsibility as a parent since we broke up (he never did anything while we were together). I am pleased with this, because I would love to see my daughter grow up with a loving father. We have a pretty civil relationship and don't fight about anything really. My daughter spends half the week with him and half the week with me and we split costs 50/50 on everything.

The Problem

Bob still hates my parents. He hates them so much, he gets mad just talking about them. He insists that he never wants to see them again, and he doesn't want our daughter to spend any time with them. After he found out that my parents and I were mending our relationship, he was pretty upset because it meant that our daughter would be around them.

He finally agreed that it was okay for her to be around them, as long as I was there to constantly supervise. However, according to him, I'm not allowed to ever leave her alone with them, and they definitely can't babysit.

This seems unfair since his mother gets to watch our daughter all the time. I have an excellent relationship with Bob's mother and I talk to her even more frequently Bob. I would never let her out of my daughter's life, because they are both so happy when they spend time together. I still don't find it fair that she should be allowed to watch my daughter, while my parents are essentially banned from this.

My parents have begged for the opportunity to watch my daughter since our relationship has healed and I would love to let them do this. Sure, there are things they overreacted about when I was younger, but they've been working on this, and they are good people with good hearts. However, I'm scared of shifting the balance so that Bob and I can't be civil anymore.

I feel like his anger is completely irrational an I don't know how to deal with this. Does anyone have any advice?

---

NOTE: I can't give exact reasons why Bob hates my parents so much, because I've never fully understood the hate. I know that while we were dating my parents disliked him in the typical "no boy will ever be good enough for my daughter" way, and I think he may have taken this personally. They also always wanted me to visit them (once a week while I was in college), and Bob thought they were unreasonable and overbearing. He hated how they would send me on guilt trips whenever I would tell them I couldn't visit because I was doing things with friends instead. He also hated that they never helped me with money even though they were very well off, and I was forced to work full time to pay for tuition, rent, and other living expenses while I was in school. I understood some of the reasons he was mad at the time, but the fact that he still holds these grudges just doesn't make any sense to me.

Answer 1

Plainly and simply, at the present point in time Bob is using your fear of him not being in your daughter's life to control the situation. If Bob cannot keep his personal beef with your parents separate from his parenting, and remain civil (we're really talking the most basic of the basics here) in his co-parenting with you, I strongly doubt he has much motivation to be the loving father you'd like for your daughter.

If Bob cannot reasonably explain why your parents are dangerous to your daughter's well-being (and I do not consider his criticism of your character a reasonable explanation), in the most neutral terms possible, Bob is acting out of his own need for control, and not in the best interests of your daughter. However, it is precisely the best interests of your daughter that are the only important factor here.

Do you, at the present time, have a set visitation schedule/custody agreement? Do you foresee any particularly unpleasant difficulties on this front, should you not comply with Bob's demands? If such worries are not a factor in your situation, it seems the best course of action is to prioritize your daughter's well-being. Should you, a competent parent, judge that your daughter's well-being is not being harmed, then act accordingly. Bob's opinions about who your daughter gets to see or not are valid to a certain degree - for the time he has her in his custody.

It is my honest belief that when a parent uses the quality of their parenting as a bargaining chip, they are holding their relationship with their own child hostage to satisfy their own interests, which goes against the very essence of being a decent parent. Make your own informed decisions about what you think is good/bad for your daughter. There is no reasoning with unreasonable people.

Answer 2

The only ideas I have would be to

• go to family counselling with Bob and add in your parents if you can. I do this all the time with families and having a safe environment to discuss differences can honestly make a huge difference. This gives them a safe place to say "You screwed up."

• sit down with Bob, your parents, and perhaps his mother to help Bob feel supported, and try hashing it out -- without a mediator.

Bob has some good reasons to be angry and hurt. So do your parents. There is no one who is 100% right or 100% wrong. It sounds to me that Bob feels he should get an apology. I imagine your parents might feel the same. Someone has to be the 'bigger' person. I'm betting it will be your parents -- they are the most mature and the best able to swallow stuff in order to get the best outcome.

I missed the part about Bob thinking they did a poor job of raising you. Do you agree?

As you add more to your post I start to think different things. There was a time when Bob did not share responsibility for your child? Did your parents ever do anything worse than that? Did they abandon you?

Yes, go get legal advice. You need wills and so on regardless.

Answer 3

What a terrible situation you find yourself in. You have my sympathy.

You stated in one of your comments, "I try to avoid conflict at all costs...". That's not surprising. You moved from controlling parents to a volatile, controlling boyfriend, who is still actually threatening your well-being and that of your child.

As others have said, you need to figure out what's best for your daughter, but that's no easy task when you're between a rock and a hard place.

You have done well for yourself, and you've obviously grown. But maybe you can benefit from some professional guidance in this situation. Bob treats you badly every time he rants about your parents. His threats can be interpreted many ways, including as a form of emotional abuse, though not many might see it this way.

Conflict is a part of everyday life and is normal, not something to be feared or avoided, but dealt with (which sometimes means ignoring stuff.) Knowing your own mind and having the strength to act on your convictions takes you out of the realm of others controlling situations you find yourself in.

You asked, "Does anyone have any advice?" I'm going to take this broadly. Please forgive me if I'm taking liberties.

I would suggest counseling, both for you alone, and for Bob (with or without you.) Bob sounds like he has both anger and control issues that really need work. You can use a sounding board to help you find your own voice, and to be confident in using it.

Other than that, good advice has been given. I would insist at minimum that no hostility be expressed by any party towards the other in the presence of the child. Also, though a child needs two parents, some parents are actively damaging to the child; only you can determine if you are in such a situation. Bob's getting counseling would be a great help to your future daughter.

Good luck. I think you're doing great things already.

Answer 4

I'd like to know it all those discussions, problems and so on are only from Bob to your parents, or are reciprocal.

Perhaps he is anger with them until today because things that were said and done, and so one possible solution could be your parents taking some time talking with him and lowering that anger.

Of course, it won't help if Bob somehow gets aggressive (verbal) against your parents and they just don't lower the temperature, everybody will just keep their impressions and nothing good will come out.

If your parents are reasonable and Bob is really out of his bonds, perhaps your parents could do some good gestures to show Bob that things don't need to go that way.