Regressions in potty-training

Question

This summer we went through potty-training with our daughter (26 months at the time). I had the feeling it was still a bit early for her (she wasn't showing much interest) but decided to do it anyway because it was a moment where I could be close to her and give her a lot of care and attention. She picked up easily enough and in 3-4 weeks she was diaperless. We used to take her out, at the park, in the car for longish trips without issue. She was staying dry during afternoon naps and most nights too.

Then in September she went back to daycare (she went last year too and never had any issues there) and she had a massive regression. We were expecting a bit of going backwards but it's been massive, she would not hold anything at all and wet herself even every 1/2h. Together with the daycare staff we tried to hold the line and not going back to diapers when she's awake (we had to put the nappies back for the afternoon and night) but in the end it was untenable and back to diapers she went. I still tried to keep her without at home in the afternoon because I felt badly for her to let her lose a competence that way.

However, a couple of weeks ago I kept her at home for a few days because she had a bad cold and by the end of the week she was back to the level she was at this summer. She would hold the pee for much longer, tell me if she needed to poo or pee and when I took her she would be dry/clean and go in the toilet. In short it seemed like it had "clicked" with her and she was toilet trained again and out of the regression. Then she went back to daycare and, in 4 days time, she was regressing again as badly as before. She regularly poos in her pants every day and wets herself multiple times in a few hours span.

I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do. The daycare seems clearly to be the problem, but she does not show any obvious issue there. She seems to go happily enough, she doesn't cry and when we go and fetch her she is playing happily with the other kids. More context: she is our second child, she is a very good-natured girl, she was always calm, kind and well-adapted (unlike her older brother) even though now she is entering the terrible twos and it shows in many respects.

Has anybody gone through something similar? Do you have any suggestions?

Answer 1

Yes, this is probably a common experience. I can offer my case as an example, but my general advice is to accept that this may be a long journey and that you may be dealing with potty learning for more than a year. Many cycles of success and regression may be necessary.

Here are some good answers for a similar question.

Our Case

We also started potty training (or "potty learning" as some newer guidelines call it) when my son was around 2 years and 3 months old and did it during a short vacation where we were home for about 5 consecutive days. We followed a popular modern procedure for doing it: low pressure, no bribes, and using diapers only at naptime and bedtime. We would just tell him calmly that pee and poop go in the potty when he did them in his pants.

This seemed to work at first, and we were optimistic about him shortly being fully potty trained in a few weeks. As in your case, he seemed be doing well both at home and at daycare. He even had a couple days at daycare and at home with no accidents. However, this did not last and he began to have 5 or 6 "accidents" some days at home. We kept him out of diapers except when sleeping at home, but the daycare's policy was to put him in a diaper after two "accidents" in a day. I put "accident" in quotes because "accident" seems to imply that urinating or defecating in his pants was fully unintentional. I think that he was often aware that he was peeing and pooping in his pants, but not motivated enough to stop what he was doing and go to the potty. Of course, immature muscle control may have also played a part.

We tried many things, such as 30 minute reminders, allowing him to watch videos that he liked on the potty, and suggesting that he might have "surprise pee" when he said that he didn't need to try the potty after an hour since the last pee. These things all had temporary initial success followed by regression, but there was also a slow overall improvement that kept us working at it.

We tried to never apply too much pressure to avoid negative associations with the potty or accidents. Even if it weren't a bad idea, you cannot force a kid to sit on the potty if they outright refuse.

I feel somewhat confident that he would have been potty trained much sooner if he had not been going to daycare. Several months after beginning, we took a family vacation for over 2 weeks. He improved considerably during this time, and seemed to be accident-free by the end. Unfortunately, he completely regressed again (both at home and at daycare) after returning to daycare.

The Endgame

So we had more than a year of him being sent home with soiled clothes wearing a diaper from daycare almost every day (although the frequency of good days improved) and constantly carrying several wipes and extra pairs of underwear and pants (and also shirts and socks for some leaks). I cleaned up poopy messes in parks and other awkward places without the benefit of a bathtub more times than I can count.

Finally, at about three and a half, we decided to implement a sticker chart where he would earn stars that would get him sugary treats, an episode of his favorite show, or small toys. This seems to be contrary to recommended practice, but we were out of ideas and this seemed to motivate him. However, I'm a scientist, so I have to say that there is no way to know for sure whether this intervention helped or whether there was some other change (muscle control, cognitive development, influence from other kids in his daycare room, etc.) that truly drove the improvement. Probably there were multiple factors.

He started to go several days between accidents, so we started fading out the sticker chart over several weeks (more stickers needed for a reward). He started to forget about putting stars on the chart and seems to have forgotten about what he is supposed to be earning next (for a month or so, the next prize on the sticker chart was constantly on the front of his mind). We traveled last week, and we haven't put the sticker chart back up. He hasn't commented on it yet. So I think that we might have finally arrived. I'm still not convinced we won't have a regression, but I think we maybe out of the woods now.

Takeaways

So what can you learn from this? I'm really not sure. I think we probably started too early. I think he got accustomed to having wet underwear and poop in his underwear before he was truly capable of making it to the potty every time (especially in a daycare environment). Did we suffer unnecessarily for months by not putting him in diapers and insisting on sending him to daycare in underwear, despite getting piles of dirty laundry every day? Maybe we should have just given up and tried again after he turned 3? Maybe we should have started the sticker chart earlier? I don't know.

Some kids became potty trained within in a few weeks at 2 and a half. I know of some kids who still go to daycare in diapers at 4. These outcomes are all probably within the normal variation. Our pediatrician said that we should have a talk if he wasn't potty trained by 3 and a half. You should probably chat with your pediatrician about it at your 3-year check-up.

Answer 2

As someone who just went through potty training for two boys, all I can say is that for my eldest I spent a few years stressing out about it, coming up with plans and interventions, and trying to 'figure it out'. And through all that he mostly just went at his own pace. There were regressions, there were times he progressed, but for the most part he did it all in his own time, at his own pace.

The only intervention that ended up being actually useful for my eldest was to put him back in diapers and take all the pressure off when he was about 3.75. This was recommended to us by our doctor, and after that point he made a lot of progress. (don't be afraid to put your kid back in diapers if she hits a wall - take a break, really).

For my youngest, we did basically nothing and he's fully potty trained at two and a half. So in the case of our boys personality was a huge factor. Our eldest doesn't care, our younger one does. What my wife and I have done has had almost no impact.

This is mostly a long way of saying that you have much less control over the outcome of your kids potty training than you think, and you'll save yourself a lot of stress if you relax and just let it happen. To me the most critical aspects of what you can do are the following:

• Keep it positive, don't overreact to accidents, be neutral most of the time
• Try to be encouraging, but don't be over the top about it

Outside of that, your girl is quite young being under three, so not having consistent results yet is quite normal and age appropriate. The fact that she's already had a good streak before regressing is a good sign. Just keep at it, keep it positive, and she'll figure it out.

It's definitely possible that she'll make a lot of progress soon, but bear in mind that for some kids the progress doesn't really happen until after age three. So be patient. And if you feel overwhelmed at any point don't hesitate to contact your doctor about it.

Hope this helps.

Answer 3

Is she able to go to the toilet independently or does she need someone to help her (adding a child seat, putting her on etc)? From the way you are describing it, it sounds like you have to help her to some extent, i.e. she tells you she needs to go, you take her to the toilet. There is no problem with that, as she is small, but it could mean that it is more difficult for her to do this at the daycare. Perhaps she feels less comfortable asking a different adult for help, compared with her parents. Perhaps the staff are busy and/or she's not communicating clearly for them, since parents understand their small children better than other adults do. Therefore, it could be less of a problem with the toileting itself and more to do with other factors.

You could try continuing with nappies at daycare and using the toilet at home where she is more easily able to get the help that she needs. Gradually she may start to ask for the toilet at daycare. Another option, if it's not already the case is to request an option at daycare that she can manage more independently, like keeping a potty in the bathroom that she can use herself. When my son potty trained, he was confused at first by wearing underwear, he thought he could use it as a nappy. It's not really practical for her to be underwear free at daycare but perhaps lightening the clothing in that area (e.g. skirt and underwear rather than trousers) might make it feel less nappy-like.

Good luck! She's doing very well for her age and she'll get there soon enough.