How to prepare children for evil

Question

I want to prepare my children for life in the best possible way (as most parents do), and an important aspect of this is, in my opinion, teaching them about the evil things humans are capable of, so that they can look for signs and try to avoid or fight it. Maybe the classic teaching in this regard is "don't take anything from strangers, don't go with them, no matter how nice they seem". But this does not tell the child what the problem really is. I believe the child is better prepared if they know what could happen if they followed the stranger. So the child should know about for example: rape, torture, drug addiction, violence because of differing sexual orientation or religion... to name a few. But they shouldn't be so terrified that they cannot function properly (like feeling the need to run away whenever a stranger talks to them).

I do think they should confront all those horrors (by reading, watching films, talking about it) in order to be prepared, but I don't know when and in what dosage. I don't want to turn them into psychic wrecks that are too afraid to leave the house, after all.

I am looking for guidelines on how to determine which kind of atrocities my child can mentally handle, and in what way (at their age or current developmental stage). Are there any parenting books on this? Or any other resources?

For movies, there are age recommendations. And the people who give out these recommendations must have some basis for their decisions. What is that basis?

To give a concrete example where I want to teach but don't know how: I have a 5 year old son. We recently listened to a happy-go-lucky children's podcast episode that was about love and affection and that two people of the same sex being affectionate towards each other is as OK as the standard male-female affection. And in the podcast it was said that "some people do not know this yet, they think only male-female is OK, so we should tell them: love is for everyone!". As if homophobia was just missing knowledge like illiteracy... My take on this is: Sure, there are people - mainly kids - who think it is not OK because they have been told so, but not reflected it in any way. But there are also many people who have CHOSEN to find it not OK, and among them still enough to readily use violence against not only those who are homosexual but also against those who promote accepting homosexuality as OK. And I want my son to know this, so that he does not run around happily-go-luckily, being blind to the evil in humans, telling men who are busy throwing gay couples from roofs that they just haven't heard the news yet. Because he will be next. (Some might argue that the topic of homosexuality is not appropriate for a 5 year old and I tend to agree, but it is impossible - at least for me - to check every bit of media before I expose him to it (especially when I found a series to be suitable, I do not pre-watch/listen every episode), just like I cannot plan every step of his life. So at some point he will be confronted with something new, challenging, disturbing. That's why I am asking this question.)

Answer 1

Don't over rotate on the bad stuff. There is plenty of good stuff in the world that deserves more attention and focus and you can take it one step at a time.

Start with working on values and expectations. What worked well for us where the double D's. "No damage to people" "no damage to property". The golden rule is super helpful too "Do you like if someone grabs your toy? No? Then why did you grab Timmy's ?" This works well even for small kids.

Once you get a foundation of basic values and behaviors you can start talking about what happens if other people don't play well. Simply take it one step at a time when there is a situation where the topic comes up naturally or when they start asking about it.

The whole "stranger danger" angle seems to be overblown. Abductions do happen, but they are exceedingly rare. Like it or not, most bad things that happen to kids come from people they know: friends, family, coach, clergy, etc.

In fact, approaching random strangers (especially if they wear a uniform) can be a great resource if the kid is in trouble. A few years ago a boy got lost in the woods and he almost perished: He was hiding from the search parties since his parents had drilled into him to never talk to strangers.

So I think your best shot here is to enjoy life to the fullest and talk about the bad stuff when there is a specific reason or trigger point to do so. You SHOULD give your child the tools they need to stay safe. The most important one is to seek help from a trusted adult when they feel unsafe or uncomfortable and that it is ALWAYS ok to ask for help. Ideally that trusted adult is a parent, but a "neutral" non-parent can also be a good choice.

All our kids had one "get out of jail card". When in trouble they could call and we would come and get them. No judging, no yelling, no punishment, regardless of how they screwed up. That worked well and only "half" a card was ever called in.

Answer 2

I think your concerns are completely valid. I’m not an expert, but I think the traditional way of teaching children about evil is through fairytales and other stories. You make a good point about not scaring him too much and in that vein I would definitely advise against telling a 5 year old about the specific horrors you mention — but rather explain to him in general terms that some people are bad and want to hurt others. (Chances are he has already learned this).

Either way I think it is more beneficial for him to know how to avoid odd strangers (like how you tell him not to go with them), rather than what they might specifically do to him. Abduction is scary enough without the notions of sexual abuse, murder, etc.

Best of luck

Answer 3

In general, adults that grew up in an environment devoid of "evil" are optimistic, altruistic, have good self-esteem, create functioning relationships, and are successful in all areas of life, while adults that grew up witnessing or experiencing "evil" become distrustful, depressed, full of self-doubt, anxious, and generally struggle more in life.

The longer your children can live in "innocence", the happier their lives will become.

Answer 4

Unknown unknowns

"don't take anything from strangers, don't go with them, no matter how nice they seem"

The point of these rules is not only to avoid known dangers, but also to avoid the dangers that neither the child nor the parent might foresee. In this sense teaching about the possible consequences may have just the opposite effect - that the child would not avoid dangerous situation, unless they clearly realize the danger. What could possibly happen to me? is a question that would arise anyway at some point in response to parental restrictions, so no point in reinforcing this logic.

Non-human related dangers
There are many dangerous things in the world, many of which are a lot more close and likely than the typical parental nightmares. Getting hit by a car is probably much more likely than getting abducted by a pedophile or a serial killer, so teaching about the correct behavior on the road (and instilling early on correct driving attitudes) is a good idea. Another common source of dangers is hygiene or poor attention to medical issues, with potentially crippling or lethal consequences (not being vaccinated against tetanus, not going to a doctor when getting bitten by a tick, getting infected and dying after swimming in a lake from commonly present organisms.) Hiding severe stomach pain or refusing to tell parents about broken hand/leg may have severe and even life-threatening consequences as well.

Parents own limited knowledge
Unless the parents have spent their life in war zones or torture camps, the parents themselves may have rather limited idea of what horrors humans are capable of (on a lighter level, many westerners may have rather rosy view of how corrupted politicians are or how much one's individual rights are respected - compared to people coming from eastern Europe, Africa or Middle East.) What parents do know comes from the media and watching/reading fiction - the child will naturally learn from these sources. In this sense, encouraging general culture is probably more efficient than warning about specific dangers.

Answer 5

So for me personally. It was that time for me to spill the beans on Santa Claus not being real. My son was almost 6yrs old he was a bit advanced for his age and had encountered enough between his narcissistic dad and I. He was aware of a few things already. But even though it boils down to how to express how cruel and evil people of this world can be. I would be sure to firstly express how much it means to be a good person towards others. This was my approach subconsciously even because I always did the right thing or the kind thing when it came to encountering others. But praying with your children when they wake up and before bed. One of the main things I did with my son. And secondly just expressing that there are people out there who do bad things to kids. Hurtful things and so incorporating that main focal point in the don't go with strangers no matter how nice they may seem. So that it makes sense as to why they shouldn't go with strangers. Also be aware that most incidents occur beginning with trusted family members and friends so making your child aware of the fact that they have a right to their privacy inform them that nobody but mom or dad hell not even dad really should be in their personal space. We called it the no no square lol because it should not be touched no means no. I guess it just really depends on the ages of the children and their circumstances and how much knowledge and awareness they already have from living their lives but be sure to express that it's for their safety and security that you even mention it because there is a lot going on but mainly it's all spiritual warfare occuring so keeping close to God and opening your children up to building a real relationship with God is the best and most important thing you can do in any instance. Thanks I hope this made sense and I hope it helped!