How to stop 2 year old hitting and kicking in car?

Question

Over the last couple months, my two year old has started hitting and kicking my five year old in the car. He doesn't do it out of anger and asking him to stop does nothing. We have 3 children and therefore a full row of car seats. He was originally rear facing and only kicking my 5 year old, so we thought that if we forward faced him (which is earlier than we wanted to do it) that it would stop. But unfortunately for us, our two year old is crazy flexible and can still whip his little leg up and kick his brother in the face. I've thought about moving our infant into the middle to separate them, but the thought of a 6 month old baby getting hit or kicked scares me too much to even try. We've tried yelling. Taking off shoes (at least the blows are softer?). Calmly asking to stop. But nothing so far as worked. It makes going anywhere more than a 10 minute drive away a nightmare.

How do I stop my two year old from hitting/kicking my five year old?

Answer 1

It sounds like your 2 year old doesn't understand that what they are doing is wrong. Or simply doesn't care that what they are doing is wrong. Most 2 year olds aren't interested in reasoning with you, at least ours never were. However, they can understand action and consequence as early as 6 months old. As they haven't really developed their own moral compass at the age of 2, that responsibility falls to you to be their moral compass.

Your two year old needs to understand that when he does something he isn't supposed to do, there are consequences that he doesn't like or enjoy. And he needs to understand that if he does something well, there are consequences that he does like and enjoy. In our house we call this principle Discipline and Encouragement. Though I'm sure a phycologist has more esteemed terminology.

When it comes to Discipline and Encouragement, you need to make sure that you and your spouse/partner are clear and together on what that looks like for each one of your kids and the stages that they are in. Have that conversation often as they move into new stages and seasons of life. And when it comes to the Discipline piece, make sure that your anger or frustration never get in the way. Sometimes that might even mean that you defer to your spouse/partner until you are able to calm down. (My wife and I often experience this).

It's okay if they cry. You can cry with them if you need to. The goal of parenting isn't to keep your kids from feeling pain (though we all try to avoid it when possible.) The goal of parenting is to help them become respectful and productive members of society as they begin to come of age. You obviously wouldn't want a 17 year old kicking his friends in the face every time he gets in the car with them. I have known some 17 year olds who do just that and it isn't very pleasant for anyone in the car, just as it isn't pleasant for you at this stage.

Momentary heartache that produces a lifetime of fruitfulness is infinitely better than momentary heartache that produces a lifetime of heartache.

Answer 2

Children do well if they can. Always ask yourself what skill they are lacking that causes your problems.

I'm guessing your child knows that they are not supposed to kick anyone, so reminding them generally isn't very helpful.

More likely, at two years of age, it's simply a matter of lacking impulse control. I would look for workarounds that are respectful and non-punitive. Could you not simply put him in the seat next to the driver? Surely, it is a passing problem.

Something else you can try is positive redirection. Instead of telling them what not to do, suggest what they may do instead. It's like that age old challenge "try not to think of a polar bear right now", which is as good as impossible to most people, coupled with a toddler's urge to act out whatever crossed their mind.

Answer 3

One solution is to install a physical barrier like cardboard (or some other temporary material) between the 2yo and your older child. The 2yo can kick the cardboard as much as they want but they cannot hurt the other child, and kicking the cardboard does not get your 2yo any kind of attention, so kicking the cardboard does nothing, and becomes boring, and in time the kicking will stop.

You can also ramp up the incentive to not kick by giving your 2yo a treat when they haven't kicked for a short time during the car ride. This way you're rewarding their good behavior and that will reinforce the rule "we don't kick in the car."

To be fair, since your older child has also not kicked they get a treat too.

Answer 4

This surely is a concern, however, the kid is still too young to understand.

Here are a couple of situations to change the experience-

1. Start building excitement about what you like about car drives such as trees, birds, animals, etc, and also what kids can expect when they are going out with their parents. It can be singing time, playing their favorite music/ rhymes, taking along their favorite stuffed toy for a ride, munching their favorite snack, stopping by for some fun activity in between. It would make kids look forward to the fun they are going to have and keep them occupied happily.

2. You can initiate a reward system based on behavior such as stars for being polite, not hitting anyone, finishing their snacks, and so on. Once they get desired number of stars, you can keep a reward of extra playtime with parents or any other reward that you think fit. Rewards can help kids to perform and behave better.

note- always appreciate good behavior and efforts, this is a great motivating factor for kids.