Timeline for Being told I'm father to a son I don't want
Current License: CC BY-SA 3.0
26 events
| when toggle format | what | by | license | comment | |
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| Jul 19, 2017 at 15:20 | comment | added | Kaithar | In the UK, a good first step, rather than a lawyer, might well be the CAB. citizensadvice.org.uk should be a good reference, they're essentially an impartial charity so they can act in the interests of the client. Maybe something to include? | |
| Jul 19, 2017 at 12:36 | comment | added | SomeShinyObject | Cheers for "do not get back with the mother" especially in the way that is described by OP. | |
| Jul 19, 2017 at 11:43 | comment | added | jwenting | not sure about the UK, but in the Netherlands a child (or his/her legal guardians) can demand an investigation into who is their biological parent, which in this case would include a DNA test of potentially matching fathers. And as social services are now the legal guardians of the child, their 'request' may well carry the full weight of the law and be a kindly worded demand. | |
| Jul 19, 2017 at 10:06 | comment | added | Gusdor | "probably relatively natural for a lot of guys" - This needs removing. | |
| Jul 18, 2017 at 6:31 | history | edited | SQB | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
Improved Formatting
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| Jul 17, 2017 at 23:11 | comment | added | Wildcard | @Shane, I wondered the same thing. Now (having clicked the provided link) I'm imagining graphing "diapers per day" out across years of a child's life and computing the total diapers with integral calculus. :D | |
| Jul 17, 2017 at 16:07 | history | edited | JackArbiter | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
added 80 characters in body
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| Jul 17, 2017 at 16:04 | comment | added | JackArbiter | @G.Bach Agreed, that's the first step. At the point I said "your child" I was attempting to answer this part of the question: "I'm finding it so difficult to process that he might be mine. I feel as though I'll become a lonely poor exhausted stressed person who just goes through life day to day with no real purpose or friends, although I'm probably exaggerating this in my mind." I therefore assumed that the child was his for the sake of the answer. I'll edit to clarify that I'm saying "if" the child is his. | |
| Jul 17, 2017 at 9:45 | comment | added | G. Bach | "your child" That remains to be established. I'd agree with the answer wholeheartedly if it was established that it is in fact OP's child, but as it is now, seems to me the only ethical duty he has is to verify whether or not it is his child. | |
| Jul 14, 2017 at 10:38 | comment | added | Kallum Tanton | @JackArbiter I strongly reinforce your point about not becoming a single father. I have been with my wife since 15 years old (now 22 and 23) and would have crashed and burned many times over without each other's support. The issue isn't necessarily raising the child, it's the seemingly random issues that spring out of you from nowhere; illness, bankruptcy, crime, debt, home-loss, job-loss and many other things that could easily break a single parent, ruining the life of the child too. When there is a mother AND father (even if just a step-parent) you are MUCH harder to break. | |
| Jul 14, 2017 at 2:38 | history | edited | JackArbiter | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
added 91 characters in body
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| Jul 14, 2017 at 2:33 | comment | added | JackArbiter | @alephzero That is terrible. On this side of the pond (and this is just me speaking anecdotally, I don't have examples other than situations I've seen) we let our private companies do the theft and extortion, and mostly in nursing home situations they help citizens bilk the government so that even though people may have enough to pay they get the government to do it anyway. But at this point we're risking "extended conversation" deletion so I will add something that matters vis a vis the post: I changed my wording in the answer to be more clear regarding avoiding the birth certificate problem. | |
| Jul 14, 2017 at 1:08 | comment | added | alephzero | ... actually that "brilliant plan" was killed off by a solicitors letter - and it would have been pure profit for the social services dept, since grandmother only survived the stroke for 3 weeks - i.e. mother would have paid about £250,000 for absolutely nothing, because gran never actually left her NHS-funded hospital ward bed! And as well as the extortion training, they all get sent on the "moral blackmail" course to learn how to persuade the family to fix the problem for free... | |
| Jul 14, 2017 at 1:05 | comment | added | alephzero | @JackArbiter "Talking to social with no representation and doing what they tell him is "right out" - very true. My mother and her mother were living together in a house they owned. The grandmother had a stroke and needed 24-hour care, UK social services decided the best course of action (for them!) would be to sell the house and pay the total cash value as a non-recoverable lump sum to fund the care. That would have left my mother homeless, but hey, now she's homeless they can put her on a priority list for some crappy rented accommodation nobody in their right mind would want to live in!!! | |
| Jul 13, 2017 at 22:50 | history | edited | JackArbiter | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
making sure to say that the issue will only go away if an adoption occurs
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| Jul 13, 2017 at 22:37 | comment | added | JackArbiter | @Shane It is an actual stat, though it totally seems random and overstated, doesn't it? The math is here and stats from other websites seem to back up the diapers per day or month. It varies greatly and I think that's a (biased) max number for emphasis. However, that number only covers the first 3 years, and some children take longer (see my only other answer on this site, unfortunately to a dupe question). | |
| Jul 13, 2017 at 22:13 | comment | added | Shane | "average 8149 diaper changes it takes to get a baby through potty training" is that an actual stat? | |
| Jul 13, 2017 at 21:30 | comment | added | JackArbiter | @alephzero Thank you for the input. I would not suggest trying to avoid the law as far as paying child support, etc., only avoiding putting his name on the birth certificate thinking the child will be put up for adoption and then it turns out she was lying and he is the child's official father without a DNA test. If he truly doesn't want to be a father he might be better off stalling until an adoption is set up. Obviously this is all conjecture, and he just needs to hire a lawyer. Talking to social with no representation and doing what they tell him is "right out" as Monty Python would say. | |
| Jul 13, 2017 at 21:15 | comment | added | alephzero | ... . You might be able to find a solicitor who will get them off our back (for a fee, of course), but don't count on that being a guaranteed solution! | |
| Jul 13, 2017 at 21:15 | comment | added | alephzero | With "Social Services" in the UK, what action they take is a bit of a lottery depending where you live. But once they have "got your number" they will keep it for life - and since the UK has a lot of centralized bureaucracy (medical records, car tax/insurance, income tax, etc, voting register, etc) they can easily keep track of you even if you move around. If they decide get their teeth into you, they won't let go just because there is "no law", and in the UK fathers "abandoning" their offspring and not paying for their upbringing is a fairly hot issue ... | |
| Jul 13, 2017 at 16:19 | comment | added | Rui F Ribeiro | @NOP Complementing NOP: staying way from the mother can establish at least the possiblity of cordial communication with the mother and son for years to come. | |
| Jul 13, 2017 at 15:16 | review | Suggested edits | |||
| Jul 13, 2017 at 17:34 | |||||
| Jul 13, 2017 at 15:10 | comment | added | NOP | seconded. this right here. you're not alone, don't be afraid to move forward and have a relationship with your surprise son. he's you. it's quite likely you'll have regrets if not..and stay away from the mental case who's proven unfit for care. my friend also was in a relationship far too long with his first child's mother, and now he has no relationship with either except support payments and grief. | |
| Jul 13, 2017 at 11:41 | comment | added | Rui F Ribeiro | It is pretty much the same experience here. Having a relationship with someone that besides not being interested in you is also not interest in you getting first than her into a new relationship can be pretty unhealthy. | |
| Jul 13, 2017 at 9:17 | comment | added | Matt | Very good answer! | |
| Jul 13, 2017 at 7:35 | history | answered | JackArbiter | CC BY-SA 3.0 |