I'm a little shocked by the answers so far. I am not a lawyer, but I am someone who
handled his own child's custody case by himself without an attorney. I'd like to clarify a few things:
- The mother can do whatever she wants, but it does not mean that it is the correct thing. How she tells the story in court will matter a lot -- a claim of abandonment, for example, is very damaging and though she has to prove it, can be hard to disclaim.
- Not everywhere has free attorneys to help you -- in my county, they did not! What they did have was an office to help those representing themselves pro se in court. They can give you legal guidance, but will not prepare your case. Here are some questions which will help you to get answers which are useful:
What paperwork do I need to file when "..."?
What paperwork do I need to file to waive the cost of filing? (NOTE: Not all counties make the wealthier person pay things, but they do have paperwork to waive filing fees for those who are low income.)
Do you have an example of paperwork filed recently for a case similar to mine?
3. Treat every court clerk or representative as your best friend. They can give you a lot of help, but they are by no means required to provide such help. A lot of rude, self-presuming people bother them every day, so they are used to casting people aside, but when someone is friendly, honest, and complimentary, they will open up and be the same (in many cases).
4. By absolute no stretch of the imagination should you consider that all judges in all counties are biased for the child. They should be, but some are more biased towards the mother... and some are even more biased toward the father.
5. DO NOT keep sending her messages! That can be considered a form of harassment. If she has a lawyer, official communication ought to be done through the lawyer. This includes notices of an inability to meet at a pre-ordained time (and in such cases, if allowed, with the other party, too). She can say, for example, that she did not receive the message. The lawyer is substantially less likely to make such a claim as a "friend of the court".
6. The discussion regarding meeting at the courthouse is irrelevant. She either has an order keeping him (and perhaps you) away from her house or it is simply defined as a neutral meeting ground.
7. If you do have a custody agreement and these actions are in violation, filing with the court is your only recourse.
8. Every court has its own set of rules... learn them and live by them when you are at court... an angry/agitated judge is not a friendly judge.
9. Never speak in terms of the other parent or any problems. Always speak in terms of the best interest of your child. This is true at court, when talking with the other parent, and when contacting the lawyer.
NOTE: Your statements will be manipulated! Take, for example, "We want to get his little girl. We have missed her so much." Another inconsiderate person could translate that as, "It doesn't matter if we can't take care of her or might break down on the way back home and she will suffer, we want her because we miss her!" Bone-chilling to read, but you'd not be the first for whom that has happened. On the other hand, saying, "We know she misses her father and that quality time will help her, so we've done everything we can to make sure she can spend the time with him she wants." comes across in a completely different light -- it was all about her.
10. Write your daughter letters and send them by registered mail to the attorney for delivery to your daughter. Keep a copy of the letter and the registration and receipt of the letter. Hopefully they get to her and will at least serve as maintaining some kind of relationship with her while the details are worked out.
11. Document everything: Date, Time, Duration, What was said by both sides, Reason for the interaction, & any comments. When it's needed, such documentation will be a god-send.
A fight with another parent is never fun. The key thing is to do what you can and never lose sight of the most important thing: the child(ren).
I wish you the best in your endeavor and I wish your child the best, too!
