Hot answers tagged

254

Your sister got herself into a situation that she felt she needed to lie about. She could have continued doing that in the hope that she never got caught out, or until some crisis point where she was found out involuntarily. But instead, she chose to take the tough decision and confess to you, to allow things to be better in the future. She took the adult ...


198

"Correct her" is an odd phrase. To a child, if her skin colour is pale then she'll describe herself as white (quite correctly when seen through that lens) Instead of correcting her, why not spend some time talking through how everyone is a different colour, but that that shouldn't matter. Yes, once she is older, a wider view will be useful, and you will be ...


157

I'm late to the discussion here, but... I believe firmly in making the punishment fit the crime. If she wasn't on the phone while speeding, I don't understand what her phone has to do with it. How a television comes into play mystifies me (does she watch Fast & Furious movies all the time?) If you want her to learn to be reasonable, modeling it is ...


149

I drive fast...too fast...and am working on breaking that habit now. Both parents drove fast and aggressive and therefore I picked up those traits, still I am the one driving and choosing to drive in that manner. What has really helped me remember not to speed is the reason we have speed limits and other driving laws. Why is there a speed limit and why was ...


95

I'm going to go a different route than many of the other answers, in that you could do what my parents did for me. It not only forced me to take responsibility for my actions, but also to cover the costs incurred by my reckless driving. For my anecdotal information, I was doing 104 on the freeway and got incredibly lucky, as rather than writing 104 (which is ...


57

I train dogs as a hobby. This situation reminds me of a cardinal rule of dog training - if your dog is off leash and does something you don’t like, never call him back to you and punish him. Why? He will probably never return on your recall again, cause you just taught him that bad things happen when he does. I presume you see the analogy. This does not ...


56

While I believe @RoryAlsop's answer is the best approach, I do appreciate that things might be a little more complicated for you in the American South, where there is a strong history of discrimination based on the color of one's skin. I don't know what it's like where you live, but there's no harm (I believe) in beginning gentle discussions of history, and ...


51

Assuming a public school setting, legally, your daughter's teacher is clearly in the wrong here. The famous 1943 Supreme Court case West Virginia State Board of Education v. Barnette ruled that students cannot legally be coerced to salute or recite the Pledge of Allegiance. In the majority opinion of the court, Justice Robert H. Jackson wrote: If there is ...


42

Raising a child, a parent or guardian has two main jobs, beyond providing food and shelter. Protecting her from dangers she's not capable of safely managing herself Guiding her development as a person Your sister is sixteen, and in many ways is an adult. Not legally, certainly, but in two years or so she will be. This means that (2) is mostly complete: ...


30

Disclaimer: I satisfy my speed cravings by breaking speed limits on a bicycle. I've done worse than your daughter. If you do it just right, a speed bump on a steep downhill results in a really satisfying flight time. Also works with rollerblades. Also, getting a ticket for going 55km/h on a bicycle on flat road without wind in your back kinda counts as a ...


29

Your kid is 16 years old... That implies that for the past 16 years she has heard you get mad, take things away, and all that other fun stuff. She didn't speed because she was afraid of your consequences, and most likely that was not her first time speeding. And let's be honest, it's not about the law that much (we all break the law at some point. A study ...


21

Ask your sister. If your sister doesn't believe that her actions were worthy of punishment, then punishing her will only serve to illustrate the power you have over her and widen the gap between you. Understanding why your sister felt justified in her actions will allow the two of you to begin the process of mending your relationship. On the other hand, ...


21

I'm white and my wife is black, and our daughter is 3. She has in the past always been very pale, and she goes to a preschool consisting mostly of Indian children who initially had darker skin than she. My wife told me that our daughter said that the kids at school had called her white. So I asked her what color my skin was, and she said it was white. I ...


18

Unfortunately the specific answer to your question is "yes the law might forbid children from being out and about without supervision, but it depends on the state". I believe the section of law most applicable to this question is "child neglect", and for the most part the definitions of child neglect are left to the states. There is a very wide variety in ...


18

I think the "correction" that needs to happen is to tell her that the color names that she is used to aren't used exactly that way with skin/people. Skin "color" is used to refer to someone's ethnicity, and actual skin color is just a part of that. If I say, hey look at that black guy over there, no one is expecting to see a pitch black person. They could ...


16

Should I punish my kid for lying to me in order to secretly see her boyfriend? I suggest "no". Instead, consider feeling remorseful that she wanted to (or 'felt the need to') lie, and reconsider your relationship (i.e. your previous communications) in that light. At 16 I presume she's getting past the age at which you're able to coerce her. I think ...


14

The main thing is to be creative and 'declare it to be perfect'. For example i dressed up my son around that age as a dinosaur. I took some old green sweatpants, filled 1 leg with paper, the other leg around his waist and that was his tail the same thing with a famous composer or a historical person. You could make the 'perfect Mozart wig' by just taking a ...


14

Do you want it to be painful, or do you want it to be memorable and learned from? Which matters more? Are you aware that if these motivations work together for you, they may not, and do not, always work together for other people? My concern here is that your post sounds like the old saw, "when you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail". Out of love ...


14

I don't have studies either but I feel it's worth writing a bit even if it's somewhat opinion based. TL;DR: You most probably can outsource all the unpleasant stuff, but then you won't really be the parents. You CAN outsource a huge amount of the unpleasant stuff to a nanny. You can even outsource almost all of it a lot of the upper class/aristocracy used ...


13

Make her financially responsible for the vehicle. First of all she is the one who ought to be paying the fine. On top of that, your/her insurance rates will go up as a direct result. She needs to be responsible for that as well.


13

EU based answer (where the minimum age for a full driver’s license is 18 in most states): Driving is an adult matter with the according responsibilities, and authorities have quite a few education measures in place for people who violate the rules—both for underage and adult drivers. I’d advise you to treat her as an emerging adult who needs to learn to ...


13

You might have taught your child that we don't call a person's hair "yellow", we use a different word; "blonde". In the context of hair, "yellow" is not the right word. When we use the word "white" in the context of describing a person, we don't mean they have pale skin, in the context of people, we mean most of their ancestors came from Europe, which is ...


13

The reasoning ability of a three year old, even a clever one, is severely reduced compared to that of an older child or adult. You first have to understand that she's seeing the issue through a dramatically simplified life lens. The whole notion of "race" probably doesn't even begin to register. For her, it's as simple and basic as the colors in a small box ...


13

I think we have to disentangle two important concepts here: A matter about faith A matter about cultural identity and citizenship Viewed through the lens of concept 1, citing the pledge of Allegiance without believing in it is the same as being forced to take part in a religious exercise of a confession you do not follow. For some people this isn't an ...


11

Don't correct someone who may be right! :) East Asians, to many, are white and it's possible that one day this opinion will be the majority view. This is my present view. Whiteness is like statehood: a person is white if other people consider them white. There are vast swaths of people who historically have not been considered white who now are: cameras, ...


11

Yes, that’s a scam. Building credit should not cost any money, and anyone who asks for money to build your credit is scamming you. Minors do not generally have a credit report, as they cannot enter into contracts in most cases. See the consumerfinance.gov page on minor credit reports for more information. You can freeze your child’s credit if you have a ...


10

Depending on jurisdiction, a driving course may remove the offense off her license, avoiding the fine and the increase in insurance costs. When taking the course for this, the cost of the course will likely be very near what the cost of the citation is. The course is still worthwhile, as it will keep it off her record and off your insurance. Going 25 mph ...


9

3 is a bit young to be teaching her racial discrimination - she is obviously comparing actual skin colour rather than ethnicity. You could use the opportunity to show her how everyone is different, hair colour, skin colour, etc. She may have the same skin colour as Chloe, and have the same hair colour as Ava. You say it "might not be sustainable" but it ...


9

Your daughter should certainly learn to be respectful while others recite the pledge. For older children it is clear that the standing quietly and calmly does show the appropriate respect. Getting this across to your daughter and other kindergarten kids could be problematic. That's a point for not raising a fuss and not making her an outsider. I find it ...


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