43

I agree that this couple could probably benefit from some couples counseling. Mom is putting an unfair burden on dad and it may take some support from an outside party to help both parents understand how this might impact both their marriage and their child's future feelings about each of the parents. In the meantime, however, even though you mentioned ...


36

You and your wife have a fundamental disagreement here. Not necessarily about parenting. If you have expressed that this makes you unhappy and your wife is on board with the necessity of disciplining your son and your wife continues to dodge even though you've asked her to stop avoiding this necessary chore, then she's essentially giving your emotional ...


20

It sounds like, to me, that you do not both agree on discipline. Your wife may well say she does, but I'd guess she doesn't, and simply doesn't want to argue with you about it (perhaps, argue again). Actions speak louder than words, after all. It's certainly important for the two of you to have some consistency, but it's not necessary for you to be ...


14

As far as I understand it, when time outs become appropriate depends on what you are looking for from the time out. While you can give a child as young as 12 months a time out, at that age the time out serves more to give your child a moment to calm down rather than as a consequence for bad behavior. A time out for the under-2 year old is designed to provide ...


9

Many people mistake discipline for only punishment: If you cannot simply reason it out with your wife, perhaps suggest a parenting class or family counselling. She sounds like she understands that discipline is important. Does she understand that good discipline makes children feel safe, important and loved? Many people mistake discipline for only ...


7

At 15 months she's probably too young to really grasp "fire hurts" without directly interacting with the fire, and you REALLY don't want that, so you'll need to attenuate the dangers and teach as if the gate weren't there. Put the gate back up and sternly tell her 'NO' when she gets near it. Use the short attention span of the toddler to your advantage; try ...


7

Lock me in a room and I'm going to explode, too. Especially if it's a punishment. Time outs work very well as actual breaks - not directly punishments. IE: Okay, Johnny, you're hitting me and that makes me sad. I think you're not in control of yourself right now. Let's take a couple of minutes of alone time to get you back in control. If they don't ...


5

If you really want him to stop doing these things, consider giving him more attention. (sorry, nobody said being a parent is easy) Especially at that age they'll do anything that gets them attention. And it doesn't matter if it's positive or negative. Of crying makes you angry, you shout at him that's attention so he'll cry even more next time. If kicking ...


5

I have been in this exact situation, and several of the answers here are very good. For context, I am the father of two, my oldest is in high school and my youngest is in elementary school. My wife never wanted to discipline my son, and while she's better about disciplining my daughter her epiphany came too late in some regards, and so both kids regularly ...


5

As someone who grew up in a house that had similar upbringing... I can tell you that... from my own personal experience, what you are afraid of can happen. My parents played the good cop/bad cop. My dad usually the one doing the harsher punishments while my mom would do the minor lighter things or the classic "wait till your father gets home". I am not ...


5

Children crave control. I had a friend whose son had a similar behavior, only instead of screaming he'd yell "Boo!" or "Hey!" He liked the way it made people jump, and it drove her crazy. She finally decided to deal with it by putting in light earplugs so that she could still hear but the sound wasn't enough to make her jump, then she made it a point to ...


4

At what age can you start giving time-outs? Each of my children have been different, but I've started giving time-outs from the time they can go up and down stairs safely and understand simple three word instructions, which has typically happened before 2 years old. The stairs thing is simply because our time-outs are on the bottom step of the stairs, and ...


3

Personally I find it hard to give out punishment for something I did not witness. In my case, if I came home and my wife had some punishment waiting that I had to give out... I wouldn't. She was there, so she deals with it. And if she finds it hard, then I'll explain why the toddler does not listen to her while he does listen to me. She can't be the ...


3

19 months is too early to get into complicated strategies, and time-out is just a waste of time as you've discovered, keep it simple. Get a health check with a doctor to talk about it Be mindfully and rigorously consistent about how you react to his screaming ; he keeps doing it because he thinks there is still something new he can get out of it. If the ...


3

A good general rule for timeouts is 1 minute per age of the child. A timeout isn't supposed to be treated as a "punishment", but a way to remove the child from the problem situation. At very young ages, like 1 or 2, it's long enough to (a) calm them down a bit, and (b) get them used to the concept (introducing it later can be more difficult without ...


2

We used food. Early on, after cooking a meal and setting the plate in front of our daughter, we would tell her not too touch it because "It's hot". Eventually she would get curious and touch the still hot food. It would be hot enough for her to let it go and understand "Holy moley, that hurt", but not hot enough to burn her and scar. We would then reiterate "...


2

We did something very similar, but additionally (while being right there) let our eldest reach out quite far towards the fire until he went "Ow, hot hot hot." This was still a good few inches away, but he never went close to a fire again. Giving that element of controlled danger can embed a caution response quickly.


2

I have that with my two year old daughter. This is a very hard age to discipline. At this age they do understand positive reinforcement. Try giving a treat, aka jelly bean, chocolate chip, if he stop right away. There is the side that you will be reinforcing bad behavior - but this will stop behavior without the tantrum and harmful behavior. When you give ...


2

Okay, I know this isn't a fun situation at all for you. First, before anything else, have you been to the doctor? I think that you should make sure that there are no developmental issues. If this has been going on for awhile, it is worth considering. The reason I say that is because some children with Autism have this reaction when they become overwhelmed or ...


2

Existing answers cover your relationship with your wife very thoroughly, let me add a little about your relationship with your son. Erich Fromm has some thoughts on two types of love that children need. What he calls "maternal love" is unconditional love: the child knows that this isn't earned and that even if their actions piss off the whole world, ...


2

Have you tried a time out bottle? We have used them with great success. Sometimes a child just needs a distraction to break the spiral they are in. We take a clear 18 oz bottle (like a soda bottle) fill it about 3/4 full with water or a water/oil mixture. Then pour in glitter/sequins/sparkles/coloring so that it's almost full. At this point, you can seal ...


2

In my experience, so long as you're acting within the boundaries of what the other parent considers acceptable, you should be self-consistent with discipline, but not be too concerned with being explicitly identical to the parent's discipline. Children are very aware of different standards in different environment, and anyone who's sent a child to school or ...


1

...as I’m counting he takes over the control and opts to put himself in time out... There's nothing wrong in that that I can see. If the child feels better having a bit of control over this, fine! As long as they do the time out. "Negotiating" a time out implies, to me, that they start trying to get out of doing a time out or change it in some way ...


1

because he has anxiety and is scared of being alone in his room or basically being anywhere by himself, he negotiates that either his dad or I sit at the steps close to his bedroom while he’s in time out. Don't negotiate this, just do it. The point of the timeout is for the kid to get themselves is control emotionally, and if you sitting nearby helps, then ...


1

First: this is entirely normal, and not something to be concerned about whatsoever. Children have to learn social behavior, and one of those behaviors is to work out their problems without hitting. Most four year olds hit other children from time to time; they will learn over time that there are other ways to solve their problems, and stop, if you take the ...


1

One possible (not great, but possible) approach is to explicitly refuse to administer punishment for offenses that affect your spouse more than yourself. Let's say, your spouse hates disorder, while you couldn't care if books and toys are strewn all over every surface. Under typical, functional discipline situation, you both agree that this is punishable, ...


1

There are a number of issues here which you should be aware of, and which may help you better work with your wife when raising your child: First, children understand from a very early age that each parent does things differently, and will go to the parent that will give them what they want or need, and will even behave very differently based on the parent ...


1

Lots of great ideas here. I will try to describe how I have done time-outs. My younger son is 12 and has Tourette Syndrome (TS) and ADHD. Hopefully this rather extreme case gives you some ideas. The three main influences for me in developing my approach have been: I read about attachment disorders in children and how to deal with them (out of curiosity -...


1

When it comes to time outs, I have a story and tool, that I have practiced with my daughter. She is 12 years old, very stuborn, get very angry and anxious, if things do not go her way, which usually resulted in her bad temper and being disrespectful. She does not listen or follow anything I asked her to do. I know,that she has difficulties, which she does ...


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