80

It starts with her making a mistake, and me correcting it. So don't correct her. Especially her schoolwork should be hers and hers alone. A teacher does not expect 100% correct work, they want to see how well a student has understood the current topic. Leave the corrections to the teacher. And she may even go back to school without complete homework (but ...


53

Most of the answers (as well as your question) here make it sound as if your daugther was unable or unwilling to accept her own mistakes. But when I read these sentences It starts with her making a mistake, and me correcting it. [...] I've tried variations on "stop", "no", "wait", "hang on" and "just a second" but they all have the same result it ...


48

I don't believe you can spoil a child without having them act spoiled. You can't jump in a pool without getting wet, just like you can't spoil a child without having it affect them. Spoiling a child robs the child of opportunities to learn and grow. Kids learn how to behave based on how they see their parents (and grandparents) act and how they treat the ...


40

Give the child an advance warning about the upcoming transition (as mentioned in the answer by Roger Vadim), perhaps even several advance warnings. For example: "We will need to go home in 10 minutes", then: "Remember that we are leaving in two minutes, so please start picking up your toys". Children do not like when they have to suddenly ...


32

I agree with @Stephie's excellent answer. I would like to expand on one point (failure). Anyone got any more tactics I could try? Yes. Try to instill in her the idea that success is not the most important outcome of her work. That's part of teaching resilience. One incomplete definition of resilience is the ability to work through fear and stress ...


31

Research indicates (see below for some links) that kids actually thrive when the parents present a united front on discipline. She'll try to test you, to see if she can play one against the other, but knowing that the rules are the rules and what one parent says the other will back up, will give her a sense of security in knowing what to expect. The ...


24

Classic good-cop-bad-cop is definitely wrong with a toddler because it involves a lot of lying. The bad cop threatens to beat the suspect up or otherwise do something cops are not allowed to do. The bad cop steps out and the good cop says "I'm on your side dude, but that guy is out of control and I don't know what he'll do next. Listen, if you just [....] I ...


24

I see a lot of things that you can do just in the question, though I'm not sure there's a true answer to your question. First of all, one of the hardest things for children to deal with is inconsistency. Having Grandma treat him one way and (Step)Mom/Dad treat him another way is very confusing. This is not to say that you should not treat him ...


17

Oh wow, what a lousy situation for all of you! It depends on where you live, but one resource I'd suggest is whatever social services you have available. She could probably use the services of a professional to help her unpack all the things going on in her life: father with a history of violence towards family who is also in-and-out of her life, the usual ...


17

I know a lot of parents who sort of "out-ridiculous" their kid to remind them what a tantrum looks like to others and how unlikely it is to result in getting what they want. In those cases, the parent isn't trying to assert dominance, and I personally don't think it's particularly harmful, but you know if that's what the parent is doing because it usually ...


16

Okay, I'm just gonna tell you what I did...after failing miserably with my teenage boys (who btw. behaved the same way at the same age). So when my 14-year-old baby girl started to show signs of behaving the same way, here is what I didn't do: I did not yell, fight or make empty threats at her. I did not offer rewards for her poor behavior to stop. I did ...


15

I volunteer at ADHD and Aspergers syndrome vacation camps for kids. We hold raging kids and keep a rigid consequence structure that everyone follows (organizers included). Usually after 2-3 everything calms down and the kids can have fun. Holding is helpful to calm down a child but it does not fix the source of his tantrums. Write a contract with your ...


14

You have a wonderful set of conflicting goals here that I'm sure many parents have grappled with - I know I have. I think your question really has three parts to it (so my answer is quite long - sorry, but I really hope it helps), the most obvious question is, should I make him apologize? but there are two other key ingredients here too: Will my coldness ...


14

I personally think 21 months is time for a bed he can get in and out of himself - my parenting style leans towards independent kids. That doesn't help with the tantrums though. I have 2 suggestions you can consider: Ask him to go sit somewhere specific, where you can sit next to him. We used a stair, and if he didn't stay put we would go sit with him. ...


12

The key for us is using a timer. We have a 'strong willed' almost-three year old, and he hates transitions (unless there's a big reward or somesuch). Big tantrums. However, we began around 2 using a timer. "Okay, son, we're about done with X activity. I'm setting a timer for 2 minutes; when it goes off, we're going to go [eat|sleep|do something boring]."...


12

Stephie's point is valid - and it makes me wonder if she reacts the same way at school when she is not perfect. If it is only an at home problem, then I think her advice is bang on. That doesn't mean you cannot help. If she is having problems everywhere, perhaps she feels like making a mistake is a bad thing. So many children feel this way. We can try to ...


12

I think it's unrealistic to expect a 2 year old to be able to play by themselves for a long time. Some might, but not all. We tried the "cry it out" technique tonight but we know it'll take more than one instance to break this behavior. Is there a better approach than "cry it out" to break our son of this habit? Wanting to be with his parents ...


10

I'll answer this by asking "How long is a piece of string?". And it really comes down to individual approaches and techniques that work for some and not for others. I am going to answer this as a parent, because I too have a 7yo boy that shouts when he can't do something, yet I tell him "YOU CAN"! That makes it worse by the way. He turns my offer of "...


9

Kids mess up. A lot. If it were possible to do something for a month that would make them stop messing up, they wouldn't need to live with you anymore. Kids messing up isn't a sign that you're doing something wrong. It's a sign that you're dealing with a normal human kid. Parenting is raising a successful 35 year-old. It's a job with a very long view. ...


9

Acting out for parents and not for others is very common. Your children feel safe around you; they know that you will love them unconditionally, and they know how you'll respond to their actions and behavior. What all that means, is that they know you won't leave them if they misbehave. You'll act in some consistent way - which might be not something they ...


9

I agree wtih @albrecht-hugli, you cannot reward bad behavior with attention and expect the behavior to change. My son had a temper tantrum - once. We were in a Kmart and he was suddenly down on the floor, kicked his legs, arms flying around, screaming at the top of his lungs. I stepped over his body and walked away. He was so alarmed that I was leaving him, ...


9

I am not an expert on ADHD and can not emphasize enough that what I am about to say is not easy to do in practice without addressing ADHD or any other emotional/cognitive condition. As with everything I write, I am not a professional, merely passionate. Professional counsel will always supersede anything I write. When a child breaks down in tears when not ...


9

At 20 months, my oldest was like yours - very physical. So, the main thing I did with him was to take him outside to play. Running around, climbing on the playground, climbing stairs; all of this within reasonable safety limits, though often a bit outside what others were comfortable with, but I knew my son's limits and how careful he was. Obviously this ...


9

One approach is to tell that you are going to change the activity a bit in advance, letting the child to digest the idea. E.g., you say that you finish in five minutes, or that you read just the one last story, the last round of a game, etc. It also helps to invoke some rituals/habitual actions - e.g., suggest the child to say "goodbye" to their ...


8

The good cop and bad cop don't necessarily have to be simultaneous. My church teaches parents that after they reprove their children they should show an increase of love, and I've found that to work well. Both parents can be the disciplinarian and present a stable, united front, then afterward both can be nice and show the child that just because he did a ...


8

THIS GIRL NEEDS IMMEDIATE PROFESSIONAL HELP. Picking up the knife, presumably in a threatening manner, indicates serious instability. This is not a run-of-the-mill teenage emotional outburst. She is quite possibly a danger to someone else or to herself. She effectively threatened homicide or suicide. This young lady needs to be evaluated by a medical ...


8

It can be normal, but it's worth keeping an eye on. 12-year-olds might be "big," but that's not the same as "grown" or "mature." My daughter, now almost 14, has had a rough time in middle school. Every couple of weeks there's enough wrong that she just sobs about it, completely inconsolable, for ten minutes straight. Something like: she's hungry, and tired, ...


8

Hello and welcome to the parenting stackexchange. I understand it must be some very difficult times for you, and I may not be able to offer as much support as I want, as I do not have the online material and reading needed about non-disciplinarian educations that tend to avoid those tantrum situations. However, there are several things I think it is worth ...


8

You know the cartoon of a psychologist’s experiment conditioning rats? Each time when a rat is pressing the right lever it gets some food. The psychologist says: You see how I’m conditioning the rats? by reinforcing it learns the correct behaviour! - And what is the rat saying to its peers: “Look how im conditioning the psychologist: Each time a press the ...


7

I have no experience with this as a parent, so any advice I give is possibly wrong for your situation or generalized. What it sounds like to me is a feedback loop, when my daughter - almost 2 - throws a tantrum I noticed that giving negative feedback usually results in the situation worsening. Rewarding good behaviour rather than punishing bad behaviour is ...


Only top voted, non community-wiki answers of a minimum length are eligible