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80

It starts with her making a mistake, and me correcting it. So don't correct her. Especially her schoolwork should be hers and hers alone. A teacher does not expect 100% correct work, they want to see how well a student has understood the current topic. Leave the corrections to the teacher. And she may even go back to school without complete homework (but ...


53

Most of the answers (as well as your question) here make it sound as if your daugther was unable or unwilling to accept her own mistakes. But when I read these sentences It starts with her making a mistake, and me correcting it. [...] I've tried variations on "stop", "no", "wait", "hang on" and "just a second" but they all have the same result it ...


48

I don't believe you can spoil a child without having them act spoiled. You can't jump in a pool without getting wet, just like you can't spoil a child without having it affect them. Spoiling a child robs the child of opportunities to learn and grow. Kids learn how to behave based on how they see their parents (and grandparents) act and how they treat the ...


32

I agree with @Stephie's excellent answer. I would like to expand on one point (failure). Anyone got any more tactics I could try? Yes. Try to instill in her the idea that success is not the most important outcome of her work. That's part of teaching resilience. One incomplete definition of resilience is the ability to work through fear and stress ...


31

Research indicates (see below for some links) that kids actually thrive when the parents present a united front on discipline. She'll try to test you, to see if she can play one against the other, but knowing that the rules are the rules and what one parent says the other will back up, will give her a sense of security in knowing what to expect. The ...


24

Classic good-cop-bad-cop is definitely wrong with a toddler because it involves a lot of lying. The bad cop threatens to beat the suspect up or otherwise do something cops are not allowed to do. The bad cop steps out and the good cop says "I'm on your side dude, but that guy is out of control and I don't know what he'll do next. Listen, if you just [....] I ...


24

I see a lot of things that you can do just in the question, though I'm not sure there's a true answer to your question. First of all, one of the hardest things for children to deal with is inconsistency. Having Grandma treat him one way and (Step)Mom/Dad treat him another way is very confusing. This is not to say that you should not treat him ...


19

Young children often are overwhelmed with options, especially when tired. When you allow him to change his mind, you are actually creating more options for him. I would suggest that you allow him to choose and make that decision final. He does not have to accept it, but his options are limited to take it as you selected, or do without. Initially, he will ...


17

I know a lot of parents who sort of "out-ridiculous" their kid to remind them what a tantrum looks like to others and how unlikely it is to result in getting what they want. In those cases, the parent isn't trying to assert dominance, and I personally don't think it's particularly harmful, but you know if that's what the parent is doing because it usually ...


16

Okay, I'm just gonna tell you what I did...after failing miserably with my teenage boys (who btw. behaved the same way at the same age). So when my 14-year-old baby girl started to show signs of behaving the same way, here is what I didn't do: I did not yell, fight or make empty threats at her. I did not offer rewards for her poor behavior to stop. I did ...


15

Tantrums are a symptom, not really the problem. You can try to deal with the symptom but until you get to the root of the actual cause, you stand little chance of eliminating the symptom in the long term. It is important to remember that many toddlers have not really developed their ability to communicate. Often a tantrum is a sign of frustration, however ...


15

Oh wow, what a lousy situation for all of you! It depends on where you live, but one resource I'd suggest is whatever social services you have available. She could probably use the services of a professional to help her unpack all the things going on in her life: father with a history of violence towards family who is also in-and-out of her life, the usual ...


15

I volunteer at ADHD and Aspergers syndrome vacation camps for kids. We hold raging kids and keep a rigid consequence structure that everyone follows (organizers included). Usually after 2-3 everything calms down and the kids can have fun. Holding is helpful to calm down a child but it does not fix the source of his tantrums. Write a contract with your ...


14

NEVER give in. Put him in another room (no one wants to be around tantrums, and tell him so) and wait it out. He may cry for a pretty long time the first couple of times but when he realizes it gets him ABSOLUTELY no attention the time will lessen. He ONLY gets desserts after eating dinner (you determine how much that is). If he is not hungry enough for ...


14

Ahhh, I just LOVE people who correct other parents in public. You weren't endangering him; you were right there, waiting out the tantrum. IMHO those women had no business stepping in unless you were endangering your child, and sitting out a tantrum is NOT abuse. FWIW, I do one of two things when one of mine have a tantrum in public. (A) let them scream ...


14

We addressed the "addiction" part of your question previously, but I wanted to talk about the behavior part. First, you shouldn't expect it to be as easy for your five year-old as it is for your nine year-old. Nine year-olds live a lot less "in the moment" compared to five year-olds, have developed more interests, and have learned more coping strategies ...


14

You have a wonderful set of conflicting goals here that I'm sure many parents have grappled with - I know I have. I think your question really has three parts to it (so my answer is quite long - sorry, but I really hope it helps), the most obvious question is, should I make him apologize? but there are two other key ingredients here too: Will my coldness ...


14

I personally think 21 months is time for a bed he can get in and out of himself - my parenting style leans towards independent kids. That doesn't help with the tantrums though. I have 2 suggestions you can consider: Ask him to go sit somewhere specific, where you can sit next to him. We used a stair, and if he didn't stay put we would go sit with him. ...


12

Would you be concerned with the mind changing if he wasn't shouting and/or misbehaving? Don't be concerned with the indecisiveness ... be concerned with the acting out and inappropriate behavior. If he changes his mind, but expresses it calmly and doesn't throw a tantrum, good for him. Apply consequences for the shouting and the persistent lack of ...


12

Stephie's point is valid - and it makes me wonder if she reacts the same way at school when she is not perfect. If it is only an at home problem, then I think her advice is bang on. That doesn't mean you cannot help. If she is having problems everywhere, perhaps she feels like making a mistake is a bad thing. So many children feel this way. We can try to ...


11

I would start out by handling primary-schooler tantrums the same way as toddler tantrums -- basically, don't let his tantrums succeed. Immediate and natural consequence. Deny him whatever it was he threw the tantrum over, end your current activity, abort your planned activity, or whatever else is appropriate. Don't give in, ever. A tantrum never wins. He ...


11

First of all, I want to say that I have tremendous respect for what you are doing. My wife is experiencing the same thing, so I know how it is. The way I see this, is that your little one is passionate and curious. But he does not understand the world he lives in. My daughter also bites, scratches, and hits. When it comes to discipline, there is not much we ...


11

I completely relate - know that it gets better. When my little girl was four she went through a phase almost exactly like the one you describe - except instead of tantrums she dissolved into tears. First, you should know that developmentally a lot of things are going on at four and they are growing in ways that are much more difficult to "see" than when ...


11

Tantrums are about garnering attention. That's what differentiates them from merely crying. It's not just, "I'm upset because I wanted to go the other way," it's, "I'm upset because I wanted to go the other way and I'm going to hold everyone's attention until I get what I want." That's why the "wait it out" technique doesn't work very well in public, ...


11

The key for us is using a timer. We have a 'strong willed' almost-three year old, and he hates transitions (unless there's a big reward or somesuch). Big tantrums. However, we began around 2 using a timer. "Okay, son, we're about done with X activity. I'm setting a timer for 2 minutes; when it goes off, we're going to go [eat|sleep|do something boring]."...


10

Obviously you will need to check just to confirm they actually can do it (for example they say they can't put their shoes on when you know they can - could be down to having something stuck in the shoe...it's happened before) but if they are just saying 'I can't' then they probably are just attention seeking, or wanting to do something else. A useful ...


10

If I am in public do I have to stop my son's tantrum at all cost, even if I lose that "battle"? You are the parent. You make the rules. If you feel that stopping the tantrum is most important, even more important than the potential for learning, then do what you can to stop the tantrum. My personal opinion is that this sounds like giving in -- what you ...


10

I'll answer this by asking "How long is a piece of string?". And it really comes down to individual approaches and techniques that work for some and not for others. I am going to answer this as a parent, because I too have a 7yo boy that shouts when he can't do something, yet I tell him "YOU CAN"! That makes it worse by the way. He turns my offer of "...


9

This sounds like a difficult position to be in, but if the wet diaper isn't uncomfortable enough to wake him up, I would let him sleep. If you end up doing this several nights in a row, just make sure to check carefully for developing diaper rash or infections. In the mean time, have you tried overnight or extra-absorbant diapers?


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