371

Firstly, I have to admit that while reading your question I was wondering if you're being serious. For me (as a hopeful future father with the same questions in mind), your solutions sound shocking and I would certainly advise against them. To reflect on some points... 1) "no TV ever, no movies, no pop music, no magazines" Does this also mean no friends? ...


66

Wow! Well, it sounds as though you want to be the perfect family, and the perfect parents. And it's easy to understand why. Who wouldn't want the best of everything for their children? I have a couple of general comments, I hope you'll find them useful. Oh and before I forget, congratulations on your soon-to-arrive new addition to the family! :) So... some ...


56

We homeschool our kids, so perhaps I can provide a unique perspective. A lot of the other answers seem to be primarily worried about friends. People sparked friendships for millenia before television and public education, and they can do so today. It's hard to see when your own childhood friendships formed at school over common pop culture interests, but ...


42

You lack one key: To be wonderful, to be amazing, to be successful, she must not be locked in this overwhelming strategy. Sadly, you are contributing to "this sexist world". It seems the motivation behind her future micro-managed life is that she is female, and as such will require much more "equipment" in order to survive. This is false. Your daughter ...


37

While I think your intentions are good, I think that some of what you are doing will actually have negative effects. Dolls are a perfectly healthy toy - both my son and my daughters played with them. They also all played with toy shops, aeroplanes, racing cars, horses etc. My point is: they are toys. Whether they have any gender affiliation in your family ...


20

My daughter is about to turn 11, and I have similar hopes for her. Each of the paragraphs below is a category that her father and I have found to be influences on her in some way, and ways we try to approach them. Provide positive examples. This needs to be both men and women, of course: women who embody the values and confidence you hope for her to have, ...


13

First off, I would stick to your guns on not raising the child, but you don't need to cross that bridge until you get there. That may never be asked of you. It's going to be a while before this child is even born. Ultimately this child is your daughter and her partners responsibility. You mention you are numb, you have been blindsided. Give yourself ...


12

I think you're overthinking this a bit. It's great for brainstorming, but don't let little things like whether or not she gets to play with dolls distract you from your primary laudable goal of raising an amazing daughter. For instance, why wouldn't an intelligent and happy child be able to enjoy and possibly even benefit from a bit of TV? What's so ...


10

First of all, self-esteem is a complicated component of our personalities and building a good self-esteem in a child is not entirely up to the parents. Your child will have a certain amount of "innate" personality that will play a part in who she is. Having said that, Parents probably are the most significant influence there is on a child (and her self-...


7

I like what you are hoping to do. However, be very careful with how you approach raising your child in this manner! I was raised much like this... For the first 13 years of my life. There are numerous opportunities that I missed, chances to do things that would have been very helpful to me now. Also, once your daughter leaves her seclusion (and trust me, she ...


7

In terms of eating healthily, you need to practice what you preach. Do you have unhealthy foods in your house? If so, why? If, for example, you eat ice cream several days a week, why is it a bad move on her part to do so? What is health, and why should we care about it? This is a multifaceted issue, and teaching by example is better than words. Self-esteem ...


6

I'd like to take your post and translate it into a list of one-word goals for qualities you'd like your daughter to have, let me know if I seem to have missed anything or misinterpreted: Confidence Perseverance Individuality Happy Intelligent Knowledgeable Ambitious Your goals for your daughter sound very well-thought out. You clearly want the best for her ...


6

By not trying to be perfect You seem to believe that children come into the world as blank slates, and that in order for them to grow up right you need to model your vision of perfection. This is impossible, you are setting yourself up for failure. Even if you were somehow to achieve perfection how will your daughter learn coping skills? What will happen ...


6

I think you can keep it focused on the image she wants to portray. Ask her: What are you saying about yourself with that look? If what she thinks she's putting out there matches what other people think, and she's okay with that, so be it. If her perceptions are off, you can gently correct them: That outfit makes you feel comfortable, but that boy ...


6

I agree with Drew, that the odds are very good that he's complaining about your order not because it's hard but out of a sense of following the 'rules'. My four year old might well have had a similar complaint when he was at this stage of learning. Answering the question as asked, though, the main thing is simply to reward effort, not success. Rewarding ...


6

You're confusing arrogance for confidence. Confidence -- true confidence -- doesn't result in bullying. That's like the idea that learning martial arts makes a person violent. Not only is that untrue, but the reality is typically the opposite. A trained martial artist is more likely to avoid conflict, because they know what they can do and they know the ...


6

The behaviors you describe sound really typical of a teenager, particularly one who was already struggling with self-esteem issues. I think all teenagers go through a period of time when they try and categorize things as GOOD or BAD, with no shades of gray in between. It takes some time and additional growth before they can begin to understand that things ...


6

My parents felt the same way about my sister. Pregnant by her boyfriend 20 years older then her and this being his 5th child by his 4th girlfriend/wife. My parents swore that they would have nothing to do with this kid. As time would tell, this child is one of their loved grandchildren. Talks with them online every week. Shares the same birthday as my father ...


5

First, let me just say that your English is very good, especially for it being your third language. You are clearly very well-educated and talented in your own right, and you want to give your daughter the best possible chance you can for a good and happy life in the future. Please, please for goodness sake do not try to control every aspect of her life. ...


5

The question has already been answered, but I wanted to say this in hopes that it will be helpful to you. Sending away an aging father who wants to be useful is neither strong nor courageous. It is not strength that makes us irritated, or afraid to be seen as weak. It might be that he is afraid that he is getting old and is no longer useful. Many parents ...


5

There are many ways and I'd say that whatever you do has to feel natural and easy for you. It cannot be faked and must be real. This is one idea I used. I'd look for little things to make an honest compliment about. Things she does -- not her looks or belongings. "I like how you helped take your dish to the sink." This will encourage her to please you. If ...


5

When your child does something find a specfic detail and comment positively about that. "I love they way you used colour for this picture!" "This play dough creature has such a cheeky face, you did a good job doing that" This let's the child know what they are doing right and is more effective than just praising the child. Allow the child to access ...


5

Isn't it so easy to be mad at this situation? It's so easy to want to go on the offensive and take a seemingly proactive effort to directly assault this behavior, right? I know I have tried before to show people that their over-inflated ego will only lead to their demise... ...that doesn't work. And please understand that. You'll end up with a worse ...


4

You can have it both ways. Teach that someone should have a style that is their own, because unlike fashion style is timeless, but that our appearance sends messages to other people so it is important to carefully consider what that style is. As a boy, I wish I had this advice while I was younger. Even though my family grew up fairly poor and shopped second ...


4

Just wanted to note: If you say completely NO to any kind of useless media like TV, films, actual books,... and you do only home schooling it will be pretty hard for your daugther to find friends. What should they talk about? Most kids speak about the lastest film, music, TV, internet memes, social networks or school events. Your daughter will not be able ...


4

Well, first I'd suggest you give counseling a chance. There are lots of ways this can be arranged, including working with someone at school, such as a social worker. It helped me not take things so personally. Talking regularly with a counselor can also be helpful for a person's self-esteem. Second, model the behavior you'd like to receive. Compliment ...


4

My son has the same kind of hesitation about drawing/building/cutting out shapes - he doesn't think they're as cool as the ones mom and dad make. BUT there are two things that help him: The first is if the item to be built etc has a practical purpose in the game we're playing. Does your son ever play with the lego sets after he builds them? Like, "Here's my ...


3

This is from my personal experience: To improve your situation at home you can start to be nice with your parents. Help them whenever you can and always wear a smile to them. Whenever they criticize you, instead of being upset, ask them advise to get better. Also you can try to improve your relationship with your sister in this way, resolving the problem ...


3

They have to do their own stuff. Make lots of options available, lots of stuff they could use within their reach, supervised for safety, of course. When they're toddlers, keep their TV time limited. There's no success in watching others. Let them get their stories from the books you read to them and they learn to read to themselves. (Their reading starts ...


3

I'm answering because I slightly disagree with the other answers. The argument their making seems to be that the more confident one is the less their bully, I don't agree, or actually I do agree, but I believe increased confidence has only a very very minor role on tendency to bully. In truth I think personal confidence and tendency to bully are mostly ...


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