86
My own upbringing and later career has followed much the same trajectory as you describe, so this is something I too have pondered quite a bit. But as you've already noted, we are indeed no longer in the 90's. I'd argue the technological progress in the intervening decades have rendered that frame of reference obsolete.
Unlimited access to devices was by ...
43
It seems to me that being shouted at is likely to make any child cry, particularly by an older child. Shouting is not nice, and intimidating particularly from an older child.
Door knocking i've not seen before, but if door knocking includes fairly loud knocking, it could also be a bit disturbing. More likely to me, he's concerned about some change when ...
27
The major reason is because you say they do. Our brains are powerful and the placebo effect is real. Some doctors are even prescribing placebos, telling the patients "a number of studies have shown that this pill will help you" (which is true.) If a parent says something will work, it will work.
When my daughter was a preschooler her body reacted a lot to ...
25
My situation is very similar to what you describe: we have multiple kids — one of whom is 9, one slightly older, and one slight younger — I grew up with mostly "unlimited" computer access (though for me it was the 80s, so no interwebs — I didn't even have a modem); and I, too, struggle with the disparity between what I was allowed to do (or should ...
22
First of all, recognize there is a difference between having a favorite, and engaging in favoritism. I think having a favorite is somewhat unavoidable, unless your children all happen to have personalities that mesh equally well with yours. When having a favorite becomes problematic is when you let it affect your words and actions toward your children.
...
22
In addition to all the other answers, I'd like to concentrate on the addictive behavior you described.
Gaming addiction is just as real as drug addiction and very dangerous because many games, especially "harmless" free of charge mobile apps, are specifically designed to be as addictive as possible. Teenagers (which is an age your son is ...
19
The screen is not the problem.
I believe we're dealing with a XY problem here.
Surely screens are damaging our children irreparably.
Breathe. Relax. Grab a cup of tea and consult the wikipedia list of moral panics. We've been worrying about the effects of new evil stuff on our children since forever.
Listening to the devil music (Blues, Jazz, Rock and roll,...
18
Being brave is not the absence of fear, it is doing the right thing even though you are afraid. Fear is good, it is based off of natural preservation instincts and can warn of danger. You need to teach him about the things that are more important than self preservation: Teach him about principles and standing for them, Teach him about chivalry, teach him ...
14
Apart from the psychological benefits that Chrys mentions (and I believe they are the most powerful part), it does actually reduce the pain response, because you're sending a competing signal (touch) to the same brain area which is processing pain. Rubbing the area helps too, also in adults (there was some research about this, I vaguely remember).
14
At 10 months some children begin to understand the word no, but many child development theorists, parenting coaches, and other "experts" in the field of caring for and raising children recommend limiting it's use. Here is one perspective on not saying no which suggests common techniques to use instead.
A major tactic to use is rephrasing. For example ...
13
Mother in law?
More seriously, a parent coach is what you’re looking for. There are also more specific roles, such as a lactation consultant, who would help with specific things, but parent coach is someone who would help you be a better parent and teach you skills that you might not have learned in normal life.
12
As you say in your question, the beneficial part of your access to computers was your early exposure to programming and other productive computer skills, and the part that you are concerned about is over exposure to screens as a primary source of entertainment or distraction.
I think that already contains your answer, you should allow as much access as they ...
11
A 10-month-old is limited in his understanding of "no" and I would tend to agree with you that hearing it used loudly is probably negative and hearing it often is probably confusing. You might try a softer approach - when he reaches for something he should not, say No in a gentle but firm voice, and pick him up and move him to a more appropriate spot or hand ...
11
In addition to the answers given above, bear in mind that one of the reasons they are crying in the first place is because they want attention. When you give them the kiss they are receiving the attention they are seeking, so stop crying.
You can see evidence of this by watching kids playing in playgrounds. Often a child who has bumped themselves will check ...
10
Porn is, even to adults, the junk food of sex; it is a complete fantasy, and while some of it may be plausible, the primary reason to watch porn is to see something you're not getting in your everyday life. While a certain amount of such escapism is normal and even healthy, it depicts activities that are typically more fun to do than to watch. A few genres ...
10
I think that as a practical matter it would be easier on the kids to stay in the same home, but I think it would be a strain on the parents and not necessarily effective in the long term.
Sharing a living space will introduce stress that, even if not the reason for the divorce now, could make it complicated to stay on good terms. Sometimes you won't clean ...
10
I don't think you'll find studies on this unfortunately, but the concern with screen time is a very different thing than the concern might be with the Roomba or whatnot.
From the American Academy of Pediatrics' statement on Media and Young Minds:
Children younger than 2 years need hands-on exploration and social interaction with trusted caregivers to ...
9
Fearlessness is basically stupidity. You can be fearless only if you are stupid enough not to be able to realize the consequences of a serious action or danger.
Strength is doing what needs to be done or what is right, DESPITE fear, DESPITE being able to realize the potential grave consequences of an action which you may have to take or an event which you ...
9
Regarding the second point, the idea is that it teaches the child to do things in an appropriate setting. Instead of spitting inside, we go outside into the garden and have a game there. It's about positive reinforcement of what you wanted to say anyway. If our kids start chucking stuff around, we tell them that they can go outside and do that which is fine ...
8
Parents have a large influence on their children, but not as large as many people think. Biologically speaking, kids tend to be similar to their parents, and that includes sharing interests. Just because you do an activity with a child doesn't mean she wouldn't like it anyway. The converse is also true. If you don't like reading, your kids are at least a ...
7
Why do some parents have a favorite (or least favorite) child?
One possible answer would be that there are parents who want to see a version of themselves in their children - or what they would like to have been. The children that match that view are favored, those who don't are less favored.
Imagine a major league football player who has a son who goes ...
7
Having worked in a nursery for several years, I can say that it is very common for parents to have their child or children come "full-time"- that is 7-8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Sometimes from as young as 3 months. Mostly, this was not the parents' ideal plan, but bills need to be paid, so sometimes circumstances must dictate.
In my experience, what ...
7
My kids have been in and out of daycares at various ages throughout their lives. My son started daycare when he was 6 weeks old and continued there until he was almost 2 1/2 years old when I resigned from my teaching job and became a SAHM when my daughter was born. Shortly after my daughter was born, I enrolled my son in a mothers-day-out program which met ...
7
Based on my comment on Beofett's post, some would say "well, look at you just defending porn."
Yeah? So?
Porn -- like sex, drugs, and rock n roll -- is a subject to be discussed with your kids. It's not to be taken lightly or assumed that it'll take care of itself in due course... that's honestly how babies get made.
I grew up in suburbia and started ...
6
One of the possible reasons is fear. You are a psychologist, I am probably telling you nothing new with this sentence :) but here is an example of how it can work:
My aunt has two children younger than me. The boy is two years older than the girl. My aunt and uncle were always afraid that the older boy might start bullying his defenseless little sister. As ...
6
From my experience with my 3 kids, and those of my friends, I would suggest that you are more likely to end up with better adjusted kids if they get early exposure to playschool, kindergarten etc.
A well run playschool gives the child the opportunity to interact properly with his/her peers, under the guidance of staff who are experienced in doing this. They ...
6
Speaking as a child of divorce, I can tell you: it was inconvenient to keep my belongings in two houses, but it was never alienating.
When you and your former spouse split time with the kids, you'll undoubtedly be using the remaining halves of your weeks to pursue other personal activities. Your time is necessarily structured such that even when you ...
5
They Both Work
It's the wrong question: your child can be healthy with lots of structure or almost none.
It's About Your Situation
It's a bit too specific to your situation to answer, as it all depends on whether or not you do need the structure to live yourself within your conditions.
Likewise, you may need structure in some circumstances and not others ...
Only top voted, non community-wiki answers of a minimum length are eligible
