Hot answers tagged

153

I suggest you invite the guy out for a beer to get to know him. Make it clear that you are not jealous, that you wish them well, and that the only thing you care about his how he treats your daughter and her mother. Your concern for her mother is exactly that, concern for your daughter's mother. Not concern for your ex. There's a lot of crappy stuff in ...


100

I'm sorry to hear about your parents. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. And, whether it helps or not, there was nothing you could have done. This is not your fault. Also, don't be angry at your parents. The situation they will be putting you in is not fair; no doubt about it. But, for your parents, it takes a lot to recognize that the ...


64

When we are confronted with a situation in our lives where what we believe doesn't match up to how we're living, we have two choices: Change our beliefs or change our actions. I think I know that tightness in your chest, and when I've experienced it, it's when what I am is not what I want to be. Other posters have suggested the latter. Get out for sure, ...


55

I'm going to focus on this one thing that you said, because it's one of the only things you said about what you want, as opposed to all the stuff you are experiencing that you don't want: I want to be important and powerful and change the world. Well, I have good news and bad news about that. First the bad news. I'm going to be brutally honest here. ...


39

I am not sure there is a right answer, but to me, it would make sense to do it together. The reasoning for this is the following: I feel it would be better to have both of you present for the discussion; this will hopefully set a signal that not one of you will be gone from your kids lives, but you will still be their parents. Now, whoever you tell ...


25

You are going to be a father soon. My response will be limited to that. It's pretty clear that you probably won't find happiness in your marriage, so the question might be, for the sake of your child, when would be the best time to leave the relationship? If you want a chance to bond with the child and experience the child's infancy, it would be best if ...


25

I don't think there's anything you can do about this. Imagine it was the other way around - would you let her tell you who you can live with? To 1: Just because he's a policeman doesn't mean he's safe for kids to be around. But really shouldn't you look at it from the other end? Shouldn't you assume that he's okay until he gives you reason for suspicion? ...


23

Telling them separately means you end up telling them slightly different stories. By letting one of them know first you also send a signal about who is more important. Both of these are things to avoid. Get everyone on the same page first by telling them together, and allowing them to ask questions and hear the answers together. There will still be time ...


21

I'm sorry your father burdened you with this. What can I do to prevent this divorce? Honestly? You could try to guilt them into staying together. You could try to act as a marriage counselor. You could do a number of things that might help you reach your goal of preventing a divorce. However, it's really not up to you. At best you can be one of the ...


20

I am divorced with several kids. Twice. My €0.02 (or should I be allowed to add €0.04?) essentially boil down to this: It's hard work. It's hard for you. It's hard for the children. But. IMO, the most important issues to consider are these: Have you tried marriage counsel? Sometimes this works out. (I won't be saying anything else about salvaging ...


19

I agree with those who have advocated communication. That's the only option open to you at this point. Are you being unreasonable? About your daughter living with a stranger, no, I don't think so. The way to deal with that is to get to know this person. Invite the three of them out to dinner and get to know him. If it goes well, do that from time to time; ...


18

Although my situation was different, I felt much the same way as you do five years ago. I ended up leaving my wife, but instead of feeling relieved and/or happier it made me feel worse. To make a long story short I ended up being diagnosed with depression and went on medication to help with that. It ended up improving my outlook on things significantly. ...


15

I'd recommend showing your Dad Can unhappy marriages become happy again? How? (which is the second chapter of a book). Here's a short excerpt: Some may be surprised to learn that many unhappy marriages recover. As one respected marriage therapist and researcher, Dr. William J. Doherty at the University of Minnesota, noted, marriages are not like fruit....


15

Would my son be better off with a father who doesn't want to be around but is putting on a smiling face, or a father who was divorced early on? How do I handle my situation? Whether you like it or not your situation is about to change dramatically, and my advice would be to hold out until well after the arrival of your son before you do something ...


15

Should I push my parents to divorce? To make it plain: No. The answer is "no" for at least two reasons: The decision whether or not to divorce is quite complex, with multiple consequences either way. This is a decision only your parents can make, and it is unlikely that you can judge better than them what will most benefit them in the long run (though you ...


15

Apologize to them. This reaction may be even more about you lying to them, than about the separation. Kids are not stupid, and may have suspected something is up already. Put yourself into their situation: the world that they know is falling apart and every one is being dishonest with them. They NEED someone to trust. You will have to rebuild that trust. ...


14

Since it is a question&answer board about parenting, I would only answer (vaguely) the parenting part. But do keep in mind that it is only my personal opinion. For the child, the question would be, what would be better for him: You break up now, You break up in a couple of months, or years, You stay together. I would say, but have no numbers, studies ...


13

That question and answer you linked said everything about why you absolutely should tell the child the truth. At seven your grand is perfectly capable of understanding the concepts of right and wrong; understands making mistakes and also understands punishment. The mother is paying for the mistake she made. If it is true, say that Mother is sorry and is ...


12

Do NOT do anything without her consent. This will damage trust in your relationship and is likely to make things worse As long as neither your daughter or you ex ask you specifically to get involve, it's best to stay out of it. If you feel strongly that it's good for your daughter to connect with her father you need to talk it through with her. Ask why she ...


11

First off, thank you for caring enough to make a positive difference in your parents' life. You would not believe how helpful you are being, just by caring. Now for the hard news. It can take people decades to realize this, but you can't make anybody do anything. People will always do what they want to do. You can affect their reasoning. You can help ...


11

Regardless of what happens between you and your wife, you need to come to terms with the fact that your obligation to your son is now one of the most central realities of your life. The fact that he is now in the world is directly related to your actions and choices, and you need to take responsibility for those as an adult. You may feel tricked and ...


10

I can really relate to your post, and Erica's response. You really do have my sympathies and best wishes for all involved. My father was an alcoholic (he's passed away) and was both physically and verbally abusive. I loved him very much, and I'm sure, as a child, I would have been very sad at first if he wasn't living at home.** You seem to imply that his ...


10

I see many worthwhile and insightful thoughts here. I want to add a success story I hope you'll identify with. I am also a musician and have a story which bears other similarities to yours--such as speculating how unexpected this was and not being ready to settle down. Thirteen years ago I learned a child was on his way and also didn't want this ...


10

I admire you for both recognizing the problem and seeking help. Single parenting is difficult; changing your daufghter's eating patterns will demand even more from you. :( First, though, comfort eating is not an eating disorder. That's kind of like saying loneliness is a mood disorder. Neither is a disorder; both indicate an unmet need. Both should be ...


10

This is so hard, my heart goes out to you. BOTH parents loved each other to have kids. It's a good thing to remember that and to support your partner. That will show your children that even though you aren't married any longer, you'll always be a supportive family. It doesn't matter who did what or feels love for someone else. Tell your kids you love them ...


10

I think that as a practical matter it would be easier on the kids to stay in the same home, but I think it would be a strain on the parents and not necessarily effective in the long term. Sharing a living space will introduce stress that, even if not the reason for the divorce now, could make it complicated to stay on good terms. Sometimes you won't clean ...


10

We adopted my son when he was four and a half years old, from China. He was terrified of animals. He reportedly ran, screaming, from the room at a birthday party, when a kitten entered the room. We have a video of his first time in snow, in our front yard. He is helping his daddy roll a ball for a snowman and a golden retriever approaches. Tail wagging, ...


9

Ok here are some important considerations/context we don't know: why your dad wants a divorce (or just a separation, or your mother to change something). whether your mom also wants a divorce, or is unhappy whether your dad has discussed any of this with your mother (if not, obviously he should - do not become his confidant or messenger) whether it's an ...


9

I'm so sorry about your marriage. I can tell you, from experience of having my parents be in a loveless and very very volatile marriage, in which they stayed for my and my sibling's sake, that it is better if you separate. Your child will be happier with separated parents who are happier themselves, and are cordial and civil to one another, than with ...


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