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254

Your sister got herself into a situation that she felt she needed to lie about. She could have continued doing that in the hope that she never got caught out, or until some crisis point where she was found out involuntarily. But instead, she chose to take the tough decision and confess to you, to allow things to be better in the future. She took the adult ...


57

I train dogs as a hobby. This situation reminds me of a cardinal rule of dog training - if your dog is off leash and does something you don’t like, never call him back to you and punish him. Why? He will probably never return on your recall again, cause you just taught him that bad things happen when he does. I presume you see the analogy. This does not ...


42

Raising a child, a parent or guardian has two main jobs, beyond providing food and shelter. Protecting her from dangers she's not capable of safely managing herself Guiding her development as a person Your sister is sixteen, and in many ways is an adult. Not legally, certainly, but in two years or so she will be. This means that (2) is mostly complete: ...


24

No. Just no. I appreciate @anongoodnurse's attempt to give him every benefit of the doubt, but this situation is not anything close to professional. A professional photographer, or even a serious amateur, would tell you exactly how he plans to use the photos. He would have to ask you to sign a model release if he was going to use them for any kind of ...


21

There are several people here who should be involved, and there are two people to consider whose lives are being impacted in an unhealthy manner. I think there needs to be some adult intervention here. The girl's parents absolutely need to be informed Whatever the true intent behind the girl's suicidal expressions, they are still suicidal expressions. The ...


21

Ask your sister. If your sister doesn't believe that her actions were worthy of punishment, then punishing her will only serve to illustrate the power you have over her and widen the gap between you. Understanding why your sister felt justified in her actions will allow the two of you to begin the process of mending your relationship. On the other hand, ...


16

Should I punish my kid for lying to me in order to secretly see her boyfriend? I suggest "no". Instead, consider feeling remorseful that she wanted to (or 'felt the need to') lie, and reconsider your relationship (i.e. your previous communications) in that light. At 16 I presume she's getting past the age at which you're able to coerce her. I think ...


15

Not focusing on the sexuality and asking the father's view regardless of gender is great. This is an opinion question, though, so may be closed as too broad. That said, I'd suggest that it really ought not to have anything to do with the distance, cost, or 1st crush status, but the fact that because of her age, her safety is an issue. Also, you do not ...


15

But, I also don't want to sneak around behind their backs like I'm doing something wrong. Assuming you're not bringing home a new guy every night, you're definitely not doing something wrong, but somehow you don't seem to really believe that yourself, because you also say ...and in later years will sleep around thinking "it was ok for Mom". Notice how ...


14

The question presents a number of 'red flags' which would make me immediately suggest that you walk away. Even in the absolute best case scenario with your daughter, you haven't even established a relationship with him and he's already using emotional blackmail, taking advantage of your emotional state and unreasonably pressuring you to make a decision on ...


14

I am at a loss as to how to repair this relationship with the son now. I don't want to push them together by expressing my dislike of her and this whole situation to him, however, I fear this will be the result of trying to explain how his dad and I feel. I don't like this girl and I don't like that they can't come in and participate... I don't usually ...


12

I don't think this is the "norm" per se. Neither of my prom dates ever asked my parents permission to take me to prom. But I don't think that it's necessarily accurate to say you have no say in the matter whatsoever. I would be nervous about my 16-year-old daughter going to prom with some boy I had never met/didn't know. If you expect her would-be date ...


11

There are many unanswered questions here which do matter. I presume this is not someone with whom she had a relationship, but someone she has never met in person (if I'm wrong, please correct me). Did she first make contact with the friend online? What is your general policy about a 14 year old meeting up with someone she met online? At what age do you (as ...


8

Here are some thoughts that might help: Would you be ok with it if she was not a crush, but a normal good friend that she has not seen for a long time?! If so than her request is not unreasonable. (If not, it may still not be unreasonable) Is california less safe than your own environment?! If an adult accompanies her for the trip the travel should be a non ...


8

I don't think you can achieve your aims with punishment. I think the fact that she confessed, and wants you to meet the guy is very positive - it may be that this guy is good for her confidence. I don't think you can keep a 16yo 'safe' without harming their developing independence - but you can and should talk about all the directions the relationship can ...


8

As a former, teenager liar, I can see a number of reasons she could have lied to you in the first place: Fear of your judgement (founded, as you confess to have not decided for or against her relation). Need for independence, maybe from founded or not feeling of asphyxia. Proving she can be an independent adult by giving you a "mind your own adult business,...


7

As a non parent with no experience in this, I will give my two cents. As a disclaimer, there is no objective answer, the entire situation is subjective to how you feel. With that said, my answer is this: TLDR; When you start feeling comfortable enough about this person to make a serious commitment to the relationship. The biggest trouble for your child with ...


7

From the perspective of someone who has been on the far end of this situation, I would say follow the advice of other posters and be as welcoming as you can to both of them. If their relationship is strong enough to progress into something permanent, you don't want to be involved in a war with your future daughter-in-law. If their relationship falls off ...


6

I don't recommend you try to discuss this when she is in the throes of a problem. He will not listen to reason at that time. Instead, when things are calm in the middle of the day, walk him through the logic of the situation. Ask him questions. Your use of the phrase "drama queen" suggests that your questions might be along the lines of "was she really in ...


6

I see nothing worrying in this situation, except the original lie. The age difference is perfectly normal and her behaviour is excellent. Have a friendly talk with her, be proud (and tell it) that she came clean and tell her that next time you would prefer to be told the truth from the beginning. Everything else will almost certainly guarantee that she ...


5

This is very definitely a codependent relationship, if he so strenuously resists when his contact with her is restricted. Time to get a therapist involved. If he needs some kind of incentive to go, explain to him that his girlfriend is in danger and that she needs help. But no matter how much he wants to, he has no training. Help him think about all the ...


5

It doesn't sound like the kids are doing anything age-inappropriate, or inappropriate in general. If you don't feel comfortable helping them playact "real dating" (movies, dinners, etc) then don't do it. I'd also advise you not to get hung up on whatever they want to call their time together. From what you've described, it doesn't sound much different --...


5

Literally had exactly this situation myself at her age, excepting the sexuality component, which doesn't seem like an issue here (but it is critical to be clear that it is not an issue here, when communicating any decision to her!). Not a parent, but my parents' decision on this point was one that I found fair at the time, so she may as well. Is there ...


5

As always you have to think about what sort of example you are setting for your children. If sleeping around is something you do not want for your daughters then maybe it would be better if you do not let men enter your daughters life until you are in at least a somewhat serious relationship with the man in question. Your attitude towards men in your ...


5

I am a little confused on why not bringing a man home would be sneaking around behind your kid's back. Sneaking would be lying or hiding things they have a right to know. If my spouse goes out & buys something that is a reasonable price & then puts it away without mentioning it to me, he didn't sneak it in. It's reasonable for him to buy things ...


4

Wow, your situation is a difficult one and I really sympathize. I've not been through that, but I've heard that the best approach is simply telling the truth and not being evasive - you need to be healthy yourself. Eventually your kids will leave you to seek companions for themselves, and they will need a healthy model to build their approach upon. Even if ...


4

I don't think I can personally relate but I'd take a stab at some general opinion on the matter - Consider the concept of a celebrity publicly apologizing. You know it's fake. They're just doing it to prevent their careers from tanking. Given that simple concept, are you sure an apology from this girl would have any effect on you? As for the relationship. ...


3

Well at first, you shouldn't handle it as a big deal, if you make a big deal out of dating someone your child will do as well. Probably a good way to introduce your child to the idea that you are dating is to show your affection to him openly while your child is around, like you would if she wasn't. I guarantee you she will ask herself very fast, and then ...


3

I think its not the matter of explaining them adult companionship, its ensuring them that you love them and will be always be there no matter what. It's ensuring them they have nothing to lose. Ensure them with words and actions. If the women you are dating behaves accordingly to this philosophy, good to you, your kids and herself. If not, whatever you ...


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