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45

I wonder if everyone goes through this and I'm just weak and bad at coping. No, you're not weak, and you're not bad at coping. For most parents who have had a traumatic first child, what you're going through is normal. Your therapist and your pediatrician can confirm this. There are no guarantees in life. Your second child may be just as difficult, but you'...


25

I upvoted @anongoodnurse's response, I think it covers this question brilliantly, so I won't comment on the parts of your question that would just be a repeat of their words. I just want to expand on a few things concerning your husband's attitude. My husband really is adamant he doesn't want another child This is the bigger obstacle in your question. We ...


16

Okay, I'm just gonna tell you what I did...after failing miserably with my teenage boys (who btw. behaved the same way at the same age). So when my 14-year-old baby girl started to show signs of behaving the same way, here is what I didn't do: I did not yell, fight or make empty threats at her. I did not offer rewards for her poor behavior to stop. I did ...


13

I have no idea what any kind of "best" action could possibly be. What I would want to make sure of is that no matter what interaction I have with my kids about the death of their other parent I want to be clear what is happening inside me (and deal with that) from what is happening inside them (and help them deal with that). They are two different aspects of ...


13

For me, it boils down to recognizing the difference between importance and urgency. Things can be both important and urgent, important but not urgent, urgent but not important, or neither important nor urgent. You should prioritize them in that order. Helping a screaming infant is both important and urgent. You drop everything to help as soon as possible....


12

Our eldest child has severe cerebral palsy. We adopted our middle child, who turned out to have extreme behavioral issues. We had a lot of fear about having another child, but she happened "by accident." Our youngest probably saved our sanity. We have literally said to each other, "Oh, this is why people don't understand how difficult our parenting job is." ...


11

I'm not going to suggest a quick fix; this takes time. But it involves and imparts life skills. Things that are helpful in situations like these: Realize that it's not your job to fix other people's emotions. This is easier said than done, but it's true. If you try to fix it, your son will have learned nothing about resolving conflict, or preventing ...


9

I am not an expert, but would like to supply some resources that you might find helpful at the website of the American Association of Suicidology. It has: a Suicide Loss Survivors page with a lot of great resources on it. links to support groups in each State (not sure if you are in the States) a monthly newsletter (which may help you feel not so alone ...


9

I am going to dispute the premise of this question, and it is going to sound a bit harsh. But you should feel terrible. It's the normal and healthy response of a caring parent. It's a terrible thing that you did to your child. And it is a good sign that you feel guilty. You're supposed to protect him and make him feel safe. He should feel that he can rely on ...


8

I've learned I'm still learning that one of the most important differences between children and parents is that parents are generally able to recognize that they can delay meeting their own needs for a short while. Kids can't do that. Kids need their parents now, or at least they think they do. As parents, we must help our children to tell the difference ...


8

"Winner Cleans Up" has been a surprisingly effective rule for us. Whoever wins needs to put away the cards/board/ball etc. That takes some of the sting out for the loser and really cuts down on gloating. The US has a bit of a cultural obsession with winning so creating a rule that actually creates a downside to winning can help creating a more balanced view....


7

It's hard for them to understand why someone they love goes away. And at that age when you tell them "Mommy is going to be back in a week" or "Daddy will be back in three days", they can't understand. They might be able to count to three, but the concept of three as applied to the passage of time is probably beyond their comprehension. I used to have some ...


7

As a parent who grew up in an abusive home-life situation, I can connect with your wife's perspective. Growing up, I never knew when the next blow was coming. I could say something "wrong", have an expression on my face that looked "disrespectful" and suddenly I was slammed up against a wall getting yelled at by a man who I didn't doubt was capable of ...


7

There is very little you can do. Until someone accepts they have mental health challenges that need to be addressed you can't force them into treatment. As a parent this can be devastating to watch. Having a serious mental illness myself I have a simple rule, if you want to be in my life and have mental health issues then you have to be active in your ...


7

Perhaps for a time you should supervise their play. Don't let them be alone together. This way you can see the way they interact with each other. It might be that both are doing whatever is annoying your son to the point of breaking. It might be that that is what is perceived by the other child. Either way, monitor them and see how they play. If you find ...


7

First off, know that you are not alone. We'll come back to that. My wife became pregnant with twins (our first). Unfortunately they had twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome and we ended up losing one of them. The other was born at 30 weeks weighing in at less than 2 kilos (3 lbs 6 oz). She spent 48 days in the NICU before coming home with a clean bill of ...


6

While this is the first time this new school year that this sort of catastrophizing has occurred, it is far from the first time it has happened. People often think in a yes/no manner (called bifurcation or black and white tinking) but catastrophizing is more commonly associated with significant anxiety, because the consequences are perceived as severe and ...


6

How do other people do it? We had a very difficult first child, too. He did 7 months of non-stop crying for pretty much all his waking hours and never slept for more than 2 hours. We were exhausted all the time and probably looked like walking zombies to other people. Things started getting better after those first seven months, and we recovered. It took ...


5

When our cat became sick, we simply explained everything to our kids as it happened. We explained that while some treatments could extend the cat's life, nothing would ultimately work and meanwhile the cat would be in a pretty miserable condition. We explained what euthanasia was, and when it could be used - for instance only for very sick animals, but not ...


5

Honestly, I wouldn't be too concerned about the crying. It may simply be her reaction to stress - the stress of trying something and having trouble with it. It sounds like it's not carrying on and on crying, just limited-in-time crying. Very, very successful athletes cry when they fail at something; have you seen the then-viral picture of the gymnast ...


5

My 8 year-old is like that, although not quite as severe. We are still working on it. I don't think anything can be done to suppress the initial inclination to cry, but he can control it somewhat based on social expectations. For example, he will usually stop almost immediately if asked. That sounds simple, but it doesn't occur to a lot of parents to ask....


5

In my case, I have 2 daughters and one is very sensitive. I've found that any attempt to toughen her up only made her more sensitive. I now use a different approach altogether and found it far more effective by a long shot. Basically, I would try something like this: when he cries, label the reason for why he is crying. This might be something like "I ...


5

I would look into either counseling or getting yourself into something like guided meditation to learn how to manage your reactions. You have to be able to not take is so personally & let it alter your trajectory, for your own sake and because you cannot teach him how to handle his feelings while yourself being so easily provoked by other people's moods ...


4

I think this is fairly common to some degree; weather is about as unpredictable as you can get, and also has incredible destructive potential. Both my sons have a strong dislike of thunderstorms; although perhaps not as strong as a phobia, they are visibly anxious and tense as soon as there's a rumble of thunder. Rain on car windows, even gentle drizzle, ...


4

For us, familiarity and gentle persistence was the key. My son was 4-1/2 when we adopted him from China. He had never slept alone in his life. He couldn't tolerate being in a room alone. He was terrified of animals. We have a video of him at about five; a tail wagging golden retriever wanders close to him as he and his dad are playing on the front lawn, ...


4

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds stressful for you all. First of all, don't expect immediate change. Your son sounds like he is experiencing emotional pain and this is his way of reacting to it. It may be an engrained habit and it may take a while to learn a new one. I would suggest a few things. First get help and support for you and your ...


4

The moms I have known with GD have benefited from having a lot of protein and eating every few hours, along with moderate exercise ( walking, swimming, yoga) and enough water, like a LOT of water. That said, pregnancy is just hard work! Give yourself a break and don't be afraid to ask for help. Congratulations and good luck!


4

First of all, I am sorry for your loss. Even tho it was a while ago, that doesn't change the value of the loss. I am an analytical parent. I ask questions and try to figure out why my kid did whatever they did. Sure they tell me they were hollering at their sibling because they did X, but the underlying reason is sometimes much stronger but goes ...


4

Try to find cooperative games (Red October, Forbidden Island for examples) or purely random games. In the first case, everyone lose or win together. In the second case, win or loss are purely random and it's easier to accept. You might have to explain the working of the game beforehand to defuse the anger targeted at the other players, and teach your kid ...


4

You and your family have my sincere sympathies. LINK When it happened to us -- to our now daughter's parents it was really hard. Thirteen years later she still talks about her parents frequently. We encourage this and talk about all our happy memories -- they were my closest friends, so I have many happy stories to share. I try to remind her that her mum ...


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