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Today I went through my daughters Kik account (a messaging service) just to make sure she wasn’t getting “creepers.” From what I have seen in the past, she is very behaved on there (i.e., she refuses to engage in sexting).

Today, however, I found a very long and graphic conversation between my daughter and another girl. I have already decided that if this dialogue were with a male she would be in huge trouble, but I am still confused as to how to handle this: in the event that she is gay, I don’t want her to be ashamed or embarrassed about it, and maybe she just isn’t ready to talk about it.

How should I handle this situation?

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  • While not an answer, I would suggest observing further to ascertain as to what it is. Right now, you are freaked out of her being a gay. Accepted. So, observe and find out. If she turns out to be fine, you can behave as the most voted answer has depicted or if she is, you will need to very intricately build/maintain a strong, supportive relationship with her (not that you wouldn't otherwise but certain things differs drastically in homosexuality) and follow best parenting practices in the case.
    – Manish Kumar Sharma
    Oct 3, 2015 at 18:18

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Great question! I don't have personal experience with this one, but have had a number of close friends who are gay. I think every one of them would agree with me when I say, Handle it the same way you would if it was a boy - almost.

First, from the way you've worded the question, it seems you don't believe she should be having a highly sexual discourse (or relationship) with anyone at her age. You'll need to mostly focus on that fact with her. She'll want to focus on the fact that you were snooping as a way to avoid the rest of the conversation so be prepared for that fact. In my opinion, if there isn't already a prior understanding between you about it, own up to the fact that you snooped, apologize for it (because it is a break in trust - even if you feel it is a justified break) and then insist on moving on in the conversation to discuss the sexual content of their texts.

It may be a joke between the two girls (teen-aged kids have a strange sense of humor) so you still shouldn't jump to any conclusions, but I would approach her and say pretty much what you'd say if it were a boy on the other end of the conversation. The only difference is, you'll have to clarify for her that your concern is about the sexual content and NOT the gender of the person on the other end of the conversation.

If she says it was all a joke, remind her that you would still love her if she were gay (in case she is just covering - and because telling them you love them no matter is always a good thing anyway - especially when you are mad or concerned) and it isn't okay to have highly sexual telephone convos even when it is a joke.

Make sure within the conversation to offer her room to speak - try to keep it a conversation and not a lecture and you will get a lot further with her, she is more likely to open up more with you and you'll come out of it with more knowledge about your daughter and hopefully a sense of trust.

This question and its answers may offer up some helpful thoughts and does contain some discussion about the "snooping" aspect of things, it is a question posted by a parent upset to discover her child might be gay - so is quite different, but some of the ANSWERS are closely related.

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    +1 - you don't not talk about inappropriate sexual activity for your kid or set boundaries because "you might come across as anti-gay."
    – mxyzplk
    Jun 6, 2014 at 23:24
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Handle it exactly how you would if it was with a guy. Anything else is just another form of discrimination. She, being a teenager, may try to manipulate you by accusing you of overreacting because it's a girl, but you know it's not, so just reinforce that you are concerned with the behavior itself, not the gender of who it was with.

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Since she seems to be good about not sexting guys (hopefuly, for security reasons in part), one thing to strongly consider and teach her is There are no girls on Internet.

While it's kind of an abused trope, it is to a large extent true. Tons of people online pretend to be opposite gender (reasons vary, some are more malicious and some are less). Many pretend to be wrong age.

If you can find studies (you can ask for them on Skeptics.SE using TVTropes link above as a required notable claim) that prove this, show them to her so it's not just your (clearly, unreliable and false because you're her parent :) word.

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  • About 50% of Internet users are female these days, and female users are in the majority for many social sites.
    – Mark
    Jun 7, 2014 at 6:36
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    @Mark - "Internet users" != "People socially and romantically chatting with young women". OP wasn't complaining about someone on Pinterest but about sexting.
    – user3143
    Jun 7, 2014 at 13:22
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    "Some people on the Internet aren't who they claim to be" is certainly something everyone needs to learn, but teaching it in the context of an obvious falsehood like "there are no girls on the Internet" is the wrong way to do it, and doing so in response to the discovery of a steamy conversation will simply make her think you're trying to trick her into stopping a relationship you disapprove of.
    – Mark
    Jun 7, 2014 at 20:05
  • @Mark - I know it's hard but there's a difference between Internet and Chat... AND between a name of TVTropes page and the actual facts of life explained by a parent to a chile, hopefully NOT using TVTropes verbiage.
    – user3143
    Jun 7, 2014 at 20:34
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    I was under the impression that the OP's child knew the other girl. It would be a much more serious problem if she did not.
    – kleineg
    Aug 13, 2014 at 14:27

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