42

My 14 year old daughter recently broke up with a boy she was dating for 7 months because she fell in love with a girl. I totally support her as I had a similar experience when I was in my 30's. My daughter and I have talked and I have told her how much my husband and I support her. Love is love and it's wonderful to have someone special in your life. We also know that adolescence is a time when teenagers are in flux about their identity and we don't want to hamper her in any way.

Being an adolescent, when she was dating her boyfriend we had limits in place, one being that he was not allowed in her bedroom. Recently, my daughter has asked to have her girlfriend over for a sleepover. My husband and I discussed this at length and decided that we would be creating a double standard if we allowed her to have her girlfriend over for a sleepover given that her boyfriend was never allowed to be in her bedroom. We have told her, however that her girlfriend is welcome in our home anytime, and while she's here, they can hang out in her bedroom if they want with the door open, however sleepovers aren't allowed for the reason described. I've also told her that just as she and her boyfriend would cuddle together on the couch and watch a movie, she and her girlfriend should follow their instincts and be themselves while in our house (ie there is no need to pretend that they are not dating).

My daughter has not taken this well. She feels that we are discriminating against her by not allowing the sleepover, however, I've tried to point out that in essence, if we allowed her girlfriend to sleepover, we would be discriminating against the boys. This is further complicated because I also have another teenage daughter who is heterosexual and I would be caught in the middle if I allowed one of their dates to sleepover and not the other ones.

Any advise or comments would be helpful. Maybe there's a better way to handle this without upsetting my daughter. Thank you

Improve this question
11
  • 31
    I think you are handling it well. In handling the other daughter possibly having sleepovers, you should point out that no-one she is sexually attracted to is allowed to stay the night either. Maybe that should be the rule (that no dates allowed in bedrooms) so you can avoid the gender double standards.
    – Bobo
    Aug 16, 2013 at 17:17
  • 18
    Helps that you have another daughter: "Can Steve sleep over? No. Can Beth sleep over? No. No boys, no girls, no hermaphrodites, no transexuals, no goats. No sleeping together as long as you're living under our roof, until you're 18 and/or married. And even then, no to the goats, it's illegal, as they can't give consent."
    – deworde
    Aug 27, 2013 at 16:11
  • 8
    I think you may be overcomplicating the justifications. Why didn't you allow the boy in her room? Was it sex? What part of sex were you against? All of it? The pregnancy part? etc. I think you maybe just have to ask more questions of yourselves to figure it out. Good luck!
    – DA01
    Aug 27, 2013 at 21:52
  • 5
    "[...] her girlfriend is welcome in our home [and] they can hang out in her bedroom if they want with the door open, however sleepovers aren't allowed [...]" I have to say I never get this viewpoint. To each their own, but what motivates? If your daughter is happy, and the other girl seems like a good fit for her, what's the harm? As long as you made sure she's aware of what you'd want every teenager to know about sex ed, you're just delaying something for... what reason? (plus, at least, while there are still some concerns, you don't have the pregnancy bit).
    – haylem
    Sep 4, 2013 at 17:09
  • 4
    What I'm saying is, I'd rather my kids have a sex life earlier than I would like them to (by fear of them growing up or taking risks, mostly) but be aware of it than for them to feel any pressure and take even more risks by either sneaking around or having their peers push them in ways that may be even less safe. It's not like your locking them in a dark room with toys, lube, no contraceptives and blasting an invite to friends and strangers and telling them "here, go nuts, and it's no limits".
    – haylem
    Sep 4, 2013 at 17:13

4 Answers 4

Reset to default
58

I think your approach is correct: dating is dating no matter the gender. You aren't discriminating, you are actually being completely fair.

Children use any edge they can to get you to bend the rules, this is likely one of those cases. Stick to your guns, you have life experience on your side.

Improve this answer
0
9

Have a similar situation with our 17 y. o. daughter. We've allowed supervised visits to her gf's house, since we've met the family and stay in contact with them. But just today we told our daughter our concerns about setting up a double standard for her younger sister and any potential bf's. The way in which you're handling your situation is spot on! We've told ours that the same rules apply to ANY significant other, regardless of gender. We've found that discussing our rules and the reasons behind our decisions has worked for the most part. And when they DO get upset about a decision, we just remind ourselves of the saying "if your making your kids mad once in awhile your doing something right" or something like that.

Improve this answer
0
-5

If discriminating truly means that you are not allowing your teenagers to have sex in your house then I really think parents should be more 'discriminating'. Does your daughter think that because she is trying to have gay sex now everything changes?

NO!, children should not be having sex period, end of the story, the gayness or the straightness of the sex they are trying to have is completely and totally beside the point.

Children even if they pretend to know otherwise do not have the mental faculties to deal with sexual relationships, this hardly changes just because there is no threat of unwanted pregnancy.

Improve this answer
-9

Your ruling is consistent and sensible. Many teens don't appreciate good sense, they want what they want, regardless of what is in their best interest.

This is a great example of how parenting in the trenches of real life can be tough. I stand with you, knowing it will be hard. There may be no way to avoid upsetting her. It may take some years, but I would say your daughter will eventually respect this kind of love shown to her. Now if this sensible decision is given in a sea of inconsistency, your daughter will understandably be upset.

Your position on homosexuality is your decision, but please make sure your daughter is aware of what this means for her. Identifying with a vocal minority will have side effects and it would be unloving of you soften the societal blow she might suffer. Tell her to seek the whole truth before doing something that she might no be able to undo.

Improve this answer
4
  • 14
    -1: For the "aware of what this means for her". Sorry, but plenty of people are going to let her know that she "shouldn't like who she likes". Home is where the support is needed. Also, not relevant to the question, there are other questions where I'd have left this answer unvoted, because "how do I cope with her homosexuality" is the question that was asked in that case, rather than "should her girlfriend be allowed to sleep over".
    – deworde
    Aug 27, 2013 at 16:06
  • 2
    Plenty of people will inform her after the fact. The girl needs a loving adult to help her through the rough waters that may lie ahead. Helping a teen consider the ramifications of such a relationship is completely relevant. The question ended with "Any advise or comments would be helpful. Maybe there's a better way to handle this without upsetting my daughter." How could a parent be more helpful to a teen than to help her make a fully informed decision?
    – DadOf12
    Aug 27, 2013 at 17:13
  • 4
    "Many teens don't appreciate good sense, they want what they want, regardless of what is in their best interest." Seems grossly over-generalized and quite dependent on the interpretation of "teens". I'd trust a 14yo o to be sensible about it, if you have already been hands-on enough before to warn them of the hurdles. Surely, if you keep them in the dark and don't discuss anything, you have no clue what's ahead and how it is in their life outside the home. But if you play your role of a guide (and not a guard) they'll know what their interests are, and that some lie in listening to you.
    – haylem
    Sep 4, 2013 at 17:18
  • 2
    When you say she needs to "seek the whole truth", are you referring to the fact that many people are a bunch of a-holes? In that case, that's a good thing to do. If you are in any way suggesting that she should hide who she is or who she loves, that's terrible advice.
    – Erik
    Jun 15, 2015 at 5:33

You must log in to answer this question.

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged .