What do you do with the cousins who, at birthday parties insist on opening the presents when they are not the guest of honor?

Question

The girls insist on opening presents for their younger cousins and brother at birthday parties where the family is included. While this was acceptable when the younger cousins (and sibling) were too young to actually open their own gifts, it really isn't anymore. The mother has taken to appeasing them by allowing them to open one gift for their cousin that is the honored guest on a given day. This includes when she is not the hostess and has nothing to do with any of the party planning or anything. Don't ask me how they get invited to any one's parties because I really don't know. It seems this SIL's friends invite them all the time (perhaps she enforces better behavior at her friends houses).

These same cousins have also broken a brand new toy and chopped the hair off a brand new barbie doll that was a gift. When confronted, the mother's response? "Well, she'll never notice anyway, its not like it was a favorite toy or something."

Answer 1

This is a territory problem, but not I don't think in the obvious way...

If it's your kid, it's the territory between your house, your rules, and the other kids family's way of doing things. It's all about domain.

I'm assuming we're talking about elementary aged kids. There's a lot to be said about what kids know at that age that can't be quantified. Whether or not they act like they know it is another conversation, but there's tons of rules and order that is imposed at school that they follow every day. You can and probably should use that routine sense of order.

Before the gift opening part.

Alright kids, new rule. My house, my rule: Only Finn gets to open Finn's gifts. Nobody else.

"Well can I" "No."

"What about" "No."

Then the inevitable bitching. That's when you pull out the paraphrase of the golden rule.

"Marceline, treat other people the way you want to be treated. Would you want Finn to open YOUR gifts at Christmas? No you wouldn't. He feels the same way here."

Now... based on the comments to the OP, it seems that this may put you in a bad way with their parents. But the bottom line is that you're not setting family rules for their unit, but you're setting domain rules for your domain. And there's no part of this conversation where you will be in the wrong.

You're pissed at me because I won't let your kid open my kids bday gifts?

Of course that's getting outside the scope of this post and the forum...

Answer 2

If my child was the guest of honor, and I was the hostess, I would just say "No, it is so and so's birthday." You can say it to the cousins and avoid the mother if you want. Probably better to have this conversation in advance with the mother on the phone. "So, I know in the past we've let them help open presents, but it bothers me because.... Instead, could we _? (Or, I'd like to....)."

If they get mad and stop hanging out with you, even better it sounds like.

This could make sense when they're all toddlers, but even then I don't think I'd do it. I mean, they're already getting invited to a birthday party where presumably they are participating in the rest of the festivities. If this new ground-rule bothers them too much, they don't have to accept the invite (same with the rest of this family's issues you've mentioned before).

Really, I think you need to talk with your husband about this one and decide together what your stance is and stick to it. A united front is always best, just like in parenting.

Answer 3

We chose to do something not suggested here already, but that I thought might help others to know about if anyone else out there has similar problems. The other ideas were both great but included the assumption that these are reasonable people being worked with and the reality is, they aren't.

I actually tried to have a convo about it with hubby and sister and she managed to convince the rest of the family I have a control issue because I think Alice should be allowed to open her own gifts and choose not to play with those gifts right away with her cousins. She is pretty consistently a parent that cares more about taking the easiest route over the best route (in terms of lessons for her kids) I'm sure in most situations a convo would work well.

We no longer invite any of them to her birthday parties. By not inviting any of the cousins, no one is being specifically singled out and the reality is that she has a big enough core group of friends she'd rather see at her parties anyway that her parties are plenty big without forcing an inclusion of family members.

To still honor the family connection, we hold a dinner party gathering at a restaurant that is a central location and on no-one's turf. Since there are usually only a few presents and we are all sitting around a dinner table, it seems not to be an issue because the problematic cousins are busy at the other end of the table arguing about who dropped whose fork. It also means no one expects any of the new items to actually be opened and played with or anything. Everyone pays their own food-bill even. Alice is very happy with this situation as are we.

Added benefit - we aren't getting invited to, and expected to attend every single one of the growing number of cousin's birthday parties anymore either. We just send a present and make a phone call.

Answer 4

Another solution that might work is to simply put off opening presents 'til everyone (or at least the offending parties) have gone. Or compromise, and only open the presents that are from them?

It might be a break with tradition, but that could be preferable to a break with the family. In some cultures it is not the 'done thing' to open presents immediately, because it makes it look like you're more interested in the presents than in the people who brought them. This 'knowledge' could be used to spin the thing appropriately.

Alternatively, if you're feeling especially bold, you might want to think a bit more about why the current system is bad for these girls (rather than why it is bad for your kids), and talk to the parents in those terms.