When should I allow a child to swear?

Question

Disclaimer: I do not have kids of my own yet, so this is more of a curiosity question.

I'd met some kids via online gaming who were ages 13 or so, and swearing quite skillfully. I think in appropriate situations swear words enhance the language, and my fiancée and I tend to use rather colorful expressions. However, I also find that hearing small children curse without full understanding the meaning of the words is disturbing.

When should I allow a child to swear? How do I know they understand exactly what they're saying? What can I do to ensure they're aware of the offensive meaning and will not use the language where not appropriate?

This question is similar to Why are parents so concerned about profanity around their children? but addresses "When" and not "Why".

Answer 1

When should I allow a child to swear?

When you feel like you should.

That's really the only valid answer, as it's an extremely personal decision each parent will make on their own. Along with that comes the whole issue of what is a swear word vs. which is not along with context.

I think most would say, in general, parents will frown upon swearing as long as the child lives with them.

Answer 2

You are asking the wrong question. Your question really is, how can I sensitize my children to understand the context of people with which they are interacting and choose their language and manner of expression accordingly?

If that is your question, then all you have to do, is to let them listen to the language of those around them. If they are on a playground, where there is a lot of yelling, and "throw me the ball!" and such, then such expression is also appropriate. If they are in an arcade, where there is a lot of "Yeah man!" And "darn it!", then that is the language to use there. And if they are at home having guests for dinner, then there is a certain manner of expression that is appropriate there also.

Paying attention to the context and making sure not to offend your guests, or the people you are talking with, is key in every situation.

Answer 3

I don't think kids should ever be ENCOURAGED to swear, but I do think some space needs to be made to allow for an occasional curse word. As a middle school teacher I had to figure out how to handle this question with my students in a way that would be appropriate for the classroom and allow room for kids from a variety of backgrounds coming from a variety of expectations in the home. I have found the answer I used with them to suit very nicely at home with my own child as well. I always told my students they would sound more intelligent and have more success if they used a wide-ranging vocabulary and used it in a precise manner.

They were always surprised to hear me say, "Profanity actually has its place or it wouldn't exist." the less surprising part was what I said next, "However, profanity when used frequently or in the wrong context actually makes a person look less intelligent." The kids knew I saw my job as one to help them prepare for a career.

What this boiled down to with my kids was, if you've hurt yourself so badly you may need the paramedics I will overlook the use of an explicative. If you are using these words in places where no word at all is needed or where a different word is better suited, I will make sure to educate you about the multitude of better vocabulary options available to you (which meant a detention getting cozy with the dictionary figuring out alternative words that would have been MORE powerful replacements for their chosen word - usually took them about 15 minutes to come up with a satisfactory list).

The first or second time there was a slip, I just gave a warning, but if students (or my child) started regularly using profanity or used it as a form of "name calling" then I certainly require a list of other, more meaningful words to choose from. The words should express the idea she want to express in a more constructive way.

Even at six, my daughter knows that is essentially my attitude about these "bad words", and understands and uses her vocabulary appropriately to match (in other words, at this point she doesn't curse or swear).

I guess I'd recommend a similar tact. Wait until it comes up. Then, for the most part, don't allow swearing (with a reasoned and calm explanation, not an out and out ban), but overlook it occasionally as the situation indicates. The reason my six-year-old knows any of this, is that she has seen me interacting with teens, not that I explicititly said anything about it at some pre-determined age.

Answer 4

Why would you ever let your kids swear - even as adults we know that many people are offended, and so even though I may swear in certain select groups, my default behaviour is to never swear and I am generally surprised when I hear others swear.

Children should have no reason to swear (adults shouldn't have any reason to swear, but we figure once you are your own responsibility fair enough, as long as you don't harm others) so I would answer your question with:

Never - my kids know swearing happens, and they have heard all the words at school, but they know that if we hear them swearing before they are 18 they will be in serious trouble!

Answer 5

I swore worse than a navy gunner in high school, but I feel that it restricted my opportunities in the past. I know kids will be around swearing in school but I don't want them to think I feel it is OK because kids at school swear. When we watch movies I make them say "Don't say bad words" to the TV to get them into the habit of being aware of it and that I am not OK with it. If they don't say it, I stop the movie. This way, even if they do end up swearing in high school, at least they will be more aware of the fact that some people are not accepting of it and they can turn it off in situations that they should not be swearing.

Answer 6

We have always allowed swearing, openly and uncensored, in our household, with the exception of racial slurs or sexual choice words ("gay"). Those are taboo. We also don't allow swear words to be used to hurt or demean others (I.e. In an argumentative context). Beyond that, used as expletives or emphasis, we have always allowed our kids to use them freely, as do we. We temper this with a healthy dose of education about when certain swear words are permitted and when they aren't ("always at our house, never at the grandparents' house"). It has always worked like a charm and our kids are happy and well-adjusted kids.

Answer 7

Profanity is habit forming. People who regularly swear in one type of situation will struggle to prevent themselves swearing in another situation (some people will be able to manage this better than others though).

For this reason, my family takes a lowest-common-denominator approach (or should that be highest?!). If a word is unacceptable at school, or at a friend's household, then it's unacceptable in our household.

There are situations where swearing is ok though; when children are developing their speech and vocabulary they tend to play with rhyming and pretend words. eg they might just go through a string of words like muck duck puck luck f**k ruck kuck huck and swear by chance (this has happened several times with my daughter). Avoiding paying attention on the swear word stated will mean they don't remember the word. If you scold them for it, they will learn that it's a word of interest to them sooner than they otherwise would. However, if other people (especially children) are around who know about the word spoken, you'll need to make a call on what's appropriate.

Answer 8

It is unfortunately a really subjective at what point to let them do this. Especially the online gaming sub-culture has a level of profanity and outright abuse that would be unacceptable in any other social situation.

Our family breaks the issue down into words that are unacceptable in any circumstances (this changes as the kids get older) and words (also tone and attitude) that are unacceptable to direct at another. So this latter category has much stricter rules than the former (but is also easier to justify).

I also don't let them play online as I cannot control who they are interacting with and don't yet want to have to explain T-bagging or any other numerous terms.

Answer 9

Asides from all the obvious places/situations they shouldn't be swearing, we allow our kids to mirror our swearing. The interesting thing is that you get "mirror feedback" on your own language. My (very cliche Italian) wife was quite surprised to hear her own language mirrored back.

The beauty of this is it teaches "syncing" at an early age. The less they hear it from you, the less they are apt to repeat it.

Answer 10

I find it best to let them discover swear words on their own. When you start to hear it talk to your child and let them know the correct situations to swear(hurt, bad grade, ECT). I would not encourage it but definitely do not discourage it. If you do this they will tend to swear even more than they would. Swearing has never affected my education or career and I find it completely acceptable when they understand the words and the affect they have.

Answer 11

When is not actually a good question, because it is ambiguous. It could refer to either the child's age or a situation in which the swearing would be allowed.

To address both parts of the question:

Age: I believe a child below 10 years should be prohibited to swear at all. All swear words shoud be punished, however you see fit - but the child should have no doubts to what he is punished for. Later, gradually, I would lower the "threshold" for punishing: a cut finger, destroyed favourite toy, a loss in an important online match should be allowed a single "f***". The choice of allowed situations should suit parents. If you do not swear at all - then do not allow it at all.

Situations: I personally hate people who put swear words into every sentence. It is very common here in Poland, to use "fu**" practically as a comma. I can not stand that and I would focus my efforts to get rid of such behavior if my child developed such habit. However, I would be pretty comfortable with my 16 year old used a swear word if he broke a mug or hurt himself.

Gender: it may not be politically correct, but I think that women should swear less than men, preferably not swear at all. Whenever I hear a girl/woman swear, especially when it is unnecessary, it really grinds my gears.

Some more thoughts: I would never encourage swearing. If your kid does not catch the bad habit at school, don't ever introduce it.

To sum up - as always, try to use common sense. Choose your reaction based on all factors you deem important: age, sex, situation, present people, wherabouts, and so on. Try to be consistent with your punishments and their situations. Make sure you are comfortable with the type and amount of swearing your kid does. React if that threshold is exceeded.

Answer 12

I personaly think we should loosen up. Kids shoud not be forbidden to use any words or da anything that they know (or don't know) that adults can do. I am shocked to think that this should be age specific. Don;t you think it could encourage it? You should be honest with your kids about swearing and everything as soon as if comes up. That way they are less likey to go wild with it later. Some kids, especially teenagers, like to rebell, and to be told NO is basically opening up an opportuntiy for them to do so. And if we don;t like hearing it, then why ask for it?

Can you just remind me, what harm comes to a kid who swears within reason at no one?

Cami.

Answer 13

Personally, my mother allowed us (me and my twin) to swear at 16. We were out of school by then due to things going on at home at the time. She knew we were doing it behind her back anyway, so she gave up trying, haha. My little sister is 13 and swears around me, but not our parents. I personally think that if she acclimates to swearing outside of school now, it'll lose its 'cool' novelty sooner than later.

Answer 14

My daughter is telling me her history of swears. She says she simply started blurting, "What the heck?!" randomly, then covering her mouth in 3rd grade. By 4th grade, she simply used "stupid" "idiot" and "dumb" frequently, but never to offend anyone. By 5th grade, she would say, "What the H-E-double hokeysticks?!" And, "Oh, cr'p!" And "Dang/Darn it!". In High school, she was permitted to use the sh** word, the b word, and a few others, but never to offend. Now she is in college and she may say whatever she wants. She tells me that when she was in 2nd grade, she would say "What the..." then stop her sentence, and I would scold her. But I learned that when you hear your child say a cuss, of any level of intensity, you must let your child say it if it doesn't sound off an alarm. in other words, if your ten-year-old cusses, it's okay if it's only "Dang it!" And not, "F U!"

Answer 15

I think this question should be put into a broader context. Specifically, as a parent you should make your children aware that swearing is definitely a bad habit, occasionally even a crime.

Despite this, they should be knowledgeable of what swearing is, its context, and even its subleties, otherwise they will not be able to handle it when they will hear people swearing. Eventually, they will be exposed to swearing by other people, even if you would not like that to happen.

Answer 16

I like to look more at the idea of equality here, so when I hear that everyone is equal, that should include children. A minor should be allowed to do just about anything that all adults are allowed to do, provided that it's safe and not disruptive to their development. I don't think a simple word is detrimental to a child's well being.

I will admit that I am not a parent, nor do I intend to be. So I can only speak for those few times that I am given a bit of responsibility for a child (i.e. supervision, providing transportation, etc.). I will say that when I am spending time with my brother, now 15 years old, I don't care if he cusses. At all.

If I am around my nieces (ages 4, 4 and 2), I will calmly correct them, but only one time. After that, I will ignore it. I'm not the parent, so it's not really my issue to correct. I do mildly disapprove of it, though.

At what age do I think that profanity is acceptable? Personally, I feel that it depends on the child. My general guideline is that if you're old enough to learn about sex, you're old enough to cuss. By that age, a child should know not to be disrespectful, so that's no longer a teaching point.

As far as offending someone, I won't even discuss that; if an adult is offended by a simple word, that's their problem. I have always said that my right to free speech is more important than someone else's fragile egotistical opinion, and if you don't like it, you have the option to turn around and walk away. So while the use of profanity may give off the impression of a lack of education, I find the overreaction to it rather problematic