How can I motivate my 16 yo daughter to do something valuable with her life?

Question

I have a 16 year old daughter who, whenever she has free time wastes it on things that I think are futile like Facebook, Tumblr, etc.

She's also performing poorly at school. I've talked to her about improving but she does nothing to change, or the change is ephemeral after my complaining. When I stop to complain, she goes back to her previous behavior. This is bad because it's frustrating and tiring for both of us.

I want to motivate her in science, mathematics, and/or music, or at least in something that is worthwhile for her life since she does nothing productive with her time, but all I can do is complain.

I've gotten advice that instructed me to leave her alone, based on the premise that this is only a phase, but I get worried about she having this behavior forever. What should I do?

Answer 1

The thing to worry about most is poor performance at school, only because that has the possibility of really cutting off her options in the future. One question you might ask yourself is why she isn't interested in other things. Rather than complain--which clearly isn't helping--do what you can to start a dialog. What is she getting out of facebook? Do her friends have similar performance at school? Why is she interested in Tumblr? Are there things she is interested in?

You might also consider that social networking is a sort of addictive behavior, and it is hard to give up something that keeps triggering your reward centers. She needs to find something else to trigger good feelings, and complaining at her isn't going to help her do that.

If you feel like she needs time away from pretty much everything social network related, is there something that she would like to do to do that?

When one of my younger cousins was feeling similar ennui, I recommended that she go on an Outward Bound expedition (and argued her parents into paying for it). She came back feeling empowered and started taking control of her future. She was a little more defiant, actually, but she was defiant in better directions--she gave up the violin, which she hated, and started focusing on academics and physical fitness, which she loved.

You could send your daughter on a sailing or mountaineering course in late July... she wouldn't have internet access for three weeks. That might help her clear her head and give her a chance to think by herself for a while, which may be exactly what she needs.

Answer 2

The main reason she's on Facebook and Tumblr is to interact with her friends. How often do you have people over, or take her to visit her friends? Have you started teaching her to drive? Does she have any extracurricular activities where she gets to see friends?

Also, complaining isn't going to improve her grades. Just make her associate you with annoying discussions about grades. Instead, talk to her about going to the tutoring center, or helping her with her homework every night.

My parents used to ask me and my sister every night if we'd done our homework. Little things like showing you care in a non-criticizing way can help encourage her to do homework, even if she won't show it.

Answer 3

I have a 16 years old daughter, whenever she have free time she wastes it on things
that I think are futile like Facebook, Tumblr, etc

First off, I personally think you would find that in this day and age, that is not an uncommon occurance. I'm sure there are plenty of teenagers out there now that are hooked in FB, twitter and any social media site.

2nd. Whos to say those things are futile? Whos to say that in 3 years they could be the biggest thing out there (if they aren't already of course) and that knowledge in their industry is what you have to have to get anywhere in life. What about the contacts she might make though those sites might give her leads to great things in life.

Third. I honestly believe although you can guide your child in a positive and constructive direction, trying to force them down a route will only have the adverse effect. She has to wake up one day and realise that she wants to do something with her life and what that something is without realising she's been pushed in one direction in the other. Basically it has to be her decision for it to be a good decision for her.

4th. We are all different. Some of us don't like maths or the sciences. Some of us don't like the arts. And some of us don't like sports. Don't push her down what kind of ciriculum you like.

So to my point. I think this must be one of the hardest stages for a parent and potentially one of the biggest for a childs life. It can shape who they are to become as a person and the road their life can start down from. I think the best thing you can do is to listen and observe their behaviour. Find out what they are good at and more importantly what they are interested in outside of FB etc

Everyone will have something, some are just better at hiding it than others. Once you find that thing, slowly coax it and show interest. Try and coerce it into being a major focus in her life. Show interest in it, but not too much as it's her thing not yours.

And remember. What you consider worthwhile might not be worthwhile to her. And if that's not the case no amount of forcing or manipulating will do any good. She will move on from the FB and twitter phase. Be there for her when she does. She won't thank you, but she will know!

Now take a step back and think back to your 16year old years. Are you the same person you were then that you were at 21, that you are today? The core values are probably the same, but your interests are probably different. Her's will change too!

Lastly

I have a 16 years old daughter, whenever she have free time she wastes it on things 
that I think are futile like Facebook, Tumblr, etc.  

Just thank your lucky stars she is not on drugs, alcoholic or pregnant. Now that is defintely way too common in our young of today and something a parent should be truely concerned with!

Answer 4

First, make sure she only has access to the computer where you are - for example, she has to be on the computer at in the kitchen only. This way you can monitor time spent on what and have the power to take her computer privelege away.

Then, You might go over the idea of "first things first" with her. You can't personally have internet service if you can't pay for it, and you pay for the priviledge of being on Stack Exchange (for example) by going to work and getting your work duties done first.

Her "work" right now is to learn and do well in school. So, for every piece of quality homework she has completed (and you are the judge of its quality) and shows you, she gets 15 minutes online for things like Tumblr or Facebook. Make it clear that other than that, you are the parent and it isn't her option because she isn't taking care of first things first. When she can prove to you that she is taking care of first things first on her own, she can earn the priveledge of setting her own time limits back again.

Answer 5

First question: How have you taught her about money? Who pays for her computer and internet time? Because if you're paying for it, and you don't like it, then cut her off. My parents had a very strict rule about paying for things they don't like: they didn't do it. If you wanted it, you needed to pay for it yourself. She's certainly old enough to get a job for herself if she wants one.

This approach had another effect, that of pointing out what it means to be 'free' in today's society (at least in the US): money gets you conveniences and capabilities you otherwise wouldn't have. She can go to a library, a school, or use her friends connections if you cut her off, but those are not particularly convenient solutions.

Second question: Is there any chance of anything useful coming out of her activities? There once was a joke about video games, for instance:

I remember when that comic was in the newspaper, because my parents made a big deal about how there was no money in these silly video games. Now, they are an enormous industry, and individual players can even get salaries (Korean article about player salaries, Google Translate link).

So, are you sure that nothing good can come out of it? Perhaps by making sure she pays for her leisure time, she can figure out some way to make something of herself through these activities, ways that we can't even envision now.

The trick, in my head, is not to be overly harsh about this. If you just cut her off, cold turkey, she may decide to do self destructive things just to try to teach you a lesson about how mean you are by cutting her off. Maybe saying something like the bills for these services are getting to be too high, so everyone has to pitch in to keep the connections on. Getting her to participate in paying the bills might help, but then again, I don't have nor have I been a teenage daughter, so the specifics of the transition might be trickier.

Answer 6

Don't belittle her interests.

I don't need a title for that, I just want to scream it at you. What she's interested in at 16 is socialization. If you haven't seen Mean Girls, go see it.

That movie is based on a book (I have yet to read), called Queen Bees and Wannabees.

If you browse tumblr at all, it is very interesting. What it is is a huge web of people socializing, talking, and interacting. For a teenager, being liked and having friends is everything.

Should you do something?

So I think the advice to "leave her alone" is very bad, or at least misstated. If you "leave her alone", then you're basically neglecting her and leaving her to her own devices -- but she isn't old enough for that yet. That's why you're her parent and she lives with you.

You should never "leave her alone" per se, but you should help guide her with a relaxed hand. Don't overrestrict her, or overfollow her, or micromanage her time. But you should manage her from a high level. Is she performing satisfactorily in school? Then she can do whatever she wants with her free time, including tumblr. Not performing? Then she doesn't get all the privileges. Restrict her time on the internet by turning off the router or otherwise disconnecting it.

Do well or see closed doors

If she doesn't know what she wants to do, she must perform well in school so options are open to her. You have to impress upon her that having poor grades means closed doors in the future. Not going to university means you can only now work this subset of jobs. Having a job in high school such as cashier is a good motivator to want a university education, so that more job options become open.

Answer 7

There are three common strategies:

• Discipline aka 'stick'. Tell her off, complain, whine. Whatever - she's unlikely to listen.

• Incentivise aka 'carrot' Can you discuss some kind of reward scheme for getting better grades? E.g. Improving a grade in any subject = trip to movies. Getting an A = trip to theme park. Getting all A's = driving lessons + (cheap, used) car.

• Communicate (and thus educate) Does she realise that when she's finished school/college she needs to leave home and set up on her own? How will she achieve that? Have you discussed costs of living, options for college/university, a career? How about eliciting a single goal from her and working backwards in time to determine what she needs to do to achieve that? Examples and real-world data will help here.

Answer 8

The computer/phone time (Facebook, etc.) need to be set up as free-time pursuits, i.e. rewards for having made a solid effort with schoolwork and helping around the house.

Once she starts experiencing some success in school, and understands the pattern, it will get easier to implement.

This is called parental discipline.

Answer 9

Children's self esteem/worth is built not on empty praise but on accomplishments, and accomplishments don't always happen at random, they are the combination of expectation and opportunity. It is your job as a parent to place those expectations and provide the opportunities, as well as encouragement when the inevitable failures occur.

Your child is past the age that building a snow fort or solving a jigsaw puzzle provides challenge and satisfaction. Your challenge is to find a variety of activities, mundane to spectacular, that will challenge and build your teen's abilities, self-sufficiency and self-worth. Mundane challenges might include doing all her laundry or cooking the family one 3-course meal per week. Spectacular challenges might be learning to play a favorite instrument (not one assigned by the school band), horseback riding, or whatever thrills her. Of course the latter can be used as rewards for the former, but avoid using mere experiences (going to the movies, beach, etc.) as rewards, because while fun and occasionally necessary, they don't actually provide any sense of accomplishment.

Answer 10

Teenagers, even ones who appear to waste their lives on social media, cannot possibly have an absolute lack of interests. And while I am only reluctantly admitting this, social media in itself is a profession, and in these days it is becoming more integral and valuable.

I strongly dislike social media for a huge number of reasons but it is undeniable that the rest of the world does not share that same opinion. And where we as parents only see a time sink, draining the very souls from our families, they must be getting something out of it to justify their attention.

I think the word "valuable" is a matter of contention in this case because what I feel is valuable may very well differ from the majority of people's opinions. I am a programmer but I use very little actual math in my job. So did I need to take an interest in math? Evidently not. I never played an instrument but I did score some music for a video game. But I didn't need to be classically trained to do so. So "valuable" may not necessarily apply to professional gain. Perhaps intellectually? For social development, you are most likely to use and share opinions discussed on social media more than quadratic equations or gravitational differences in celestial bodies. Though, those subjects are interesting ones to the right people, they may not be entirely relevant to day to day life.

One in a million has everything to thank for social media. Justin Beiber may not have made it without it... though he is a musician. The highest paid ad generator on youtube is someone who does absolutely nothing more than open little toy packages in front of a camera. Paid over $4 million in ad revenue last year alone. Thank you social media. The owner of the infamous grumpy cat spread the visage of this cat over social media, which led to sponsorships, modeling and so on for her pet that and as such has made more money than Katy Perry and Britney Spears combined. By twice even. None of which would have happened if these people didn't waste their lives in front of these time sinks. So "valuable" can not necessarily apply to monetary gain.

So what exactly does "valuable" mean? To me, I would say happiness. If she is happy, and this is part of her routine, then be happy for her that she has something keeping her happy. There's a common fear among parents and the notion of rebellious teenagers, who are notorious for inexplicable unhappy phases. It is possible we owe more thanks to facebook, tumblr, youtube, etc than we may want to admit.

And a side note, we have a full time employee here whose only job is to use facebook, twitter, etc to "talk" about us, comment on interesting things, and stay social. These jobs exist and the people doing them seem to like it. Go figure.

Answer 11

Unfortunately for many parents, their children do not become the people we want them to be. If your child is so dead set on making poor life decision my feelings would be simply to let her (after she has left the house off course).

I know that may sound callous but certain children just have to get a dose of reality on there own. You can try to persuade them to do the things you know are right but unfortunately they will only learn by going trough hardship themselves.

I know we want to do the best for our children. We want to provide them with the things we ourselves did not have as children, the oppurtunities we never had.

Your child is going on a different path. Call it a late bloomer, call it just plain lazy, call it whatever. Your child is going to have to find her own way in the world and unfortunately it may simply take her until she is 30 before she figures it all out.

With that in mind, one thing that I would tell you should take really seriously is to make sure you do not perpetuate or enable your child's bad behaviour.

If your child wastes too much time on social media then maybe you should really consider revoking these privileges. Take away the computer and the cell phone. A person does not own these things to their children.

You sound like a person who wants to provide the nice things for your child and boy does it look like your child is taking advantage of your good nature.

You simply have to take a stand, your child needs parents and unfortunately that means making decisions that are sometimes very unpopular with your child.

I know much of this answer may sound petty or even cruel but I know this girl of yours personally because up until three years ago I was her.

I did exactly the same things you describe as child. I even flunked out of High School and was only 19 when I got my Matriek the first time.

I'm 27 now and I have found my passion and next year I will start a UNI degree in musicology so I can become a music teacher just like my mother.

Your child will have to find her own place in the world and it may not quite fit in to your schedule.