What do we do when timeouts are not effective?

Question

We have a three year old toddler, and he has just seemed to realize that timeouts are nothing more than him sitting in a corner for a few minutes. He has recently started doing a whole suite of bad actions (throwing things at people, hitting people, etc), and when caught, gets an impish grin because he believes that all that will happen to him is a timeout.

How do I make these things stick? Or, if there is a point where they don't, what's the escalation move? I'd rather not go towards spanking (pretty sure that will just let him think that hitting people is ok rather than a bad thing).

EDIT: Thanks for all the replies. I can see responses vary wildly depending on parenting style, so we'll be looking into these things. I can't give a check until I see which one works for my son, and even then, it'll just be for my son and another child may respond differently.

EDIT 2: We've tried a number of things from these suggestions, but so far, the idea with the most effect appears to be a) find a particular, specific spot for timeouts (in this case, standing on a subwoofer facing the corner) and b) fighting the battles to stay in timeout until he stays in timeout. He still does naughty things, mostly in an effort to get our attention when we're really too exhausted to play with him at the end of the day, but he understands that he will get the timeout and he doesn't fight it. Instead, he seems to be getting the 'mommy and daddy are worn out, I'll just color by myself' idea pretty nicely.

We tried the charts with stickers idea, but that didn't work as we found ourselves not being consistent. Without our own consistency, he just ignored the chart too. We found that to be the case with most ideas, that our own inconsistencies leads to an idea not working. It's only by paying attention to everything that we noticed it.

Thanks to everyone!

Answer 1

I don't know what you do, specifically for his timeouts (does he sit in a chair in the corner? Does he stand, facing the corner? Does he just sit on the couch or a chair somewhere?), but what I found works for my son is sit him on a stool in the middle of the room and ignore him for a few minutes. The stool is too high for him to try to get down, and he still has to watch everyone do things without him.

Another option could be sending him to his room for a while. This of course, only works if he has no form of entertainment in his room, but the complete isolation could be unpleasant enough for him to think twice about misbehaving.

What I also often do when my son is misbehaving (especially when doing something like hitting or something else to another person) is to sit him down on the floor (usually when my son does it, he's on the couch) with a firm "no." It startles him enough that he gets the picture.

Doug makes another good suggestion - taking something away. If simply taking something away doesn't work, it may also work to put it somewhere that he can see it, but can't reach it, which eliminates the "out of sight, out of mind," case.

The key is to find something that he finds unpleasant and make him learn that that unpleasant thing will keep happening if he behaves in a way you don't approve. It may require getting creative, so take a look at the things he likes to do or use and take that away from him. It may take some observation time, but will be something that only you can come up with.

Answer 2

Perhaps the grin means he is getting the attention that he was seeking. Throwing things at people or hitting people seems like he wants to be noticed. My 3.5 yo will act up if he feels left out.

If this is the case, you have two options: head it off before he acts up or punish after he acts up.

My very strong willed daughter (now 10) was more than happy to up the ante when it came to misbehaviour, so I'd say it is better to be attentive to him starting to act up and address his need for attention then. Perhaps by explaining that now it is Uncle Bob's time to talk or Sally's time to play with the whatever.

There will be times when punishment doesn't work, in which case losing a prized toy for a while can help.

Answer 3

The primary problem is that you are imposing a punishment. While punishment is necessary in some cases, it is a losing strategy in the long term. You make yourself into the "bad guy" for administering the punishment, and it also sends the signal that it's OK to do bad things as long as he doesn't get caught. There will be trouble as soon as you take your eyes off of him.

The second problem is that if you do have to punish your child, the punishment should be closely related to the misdeed. If possible, the "punishment" should just be a natural consequence of his behavior. For example, if he hits someone, have a serious chat about how it would feel to get hit, then make him ask the victim if he is hurt, and apologize. If he makes a mess, have him help you clean it up, and also clean up something else too. If he throws a toy inappropriately, you "put it away for safekeeping" — for his own good.

Timeouts are like jail terms. He'll learn nothing, develop resentment against you, and maybe even consider his guilt paid for with his time. What you want is to make him do community service instead. Whatever he has done wrong, he should have to make things right again, as much as possible.

Answer 4

You try other things. You escalate. You do not allow him to win. If you do not teach your child to respect authority he will have exceptionally difficult teen and adult years.

** Take things away.
** Lock him in a room.
** Corporal punishment, if you are so inclined.

I recommended The Strong Willed Child by Dobson in another answer. I recommend it here as well ... it changed the way my wife and I parented.

Answer 5

You are right that hitting him will just teach him that's a reasonable way to resolve conflict.

Kids basically want to please and work with us (the parents/caretakers) -- it just gets expressed in, uh, less than optimal ways sometimes. This means that you can work with him; he wants to! It's just that he's 3 and haven't learned how to yet; that's your job and responsibility. :-) I very much liked the book "Your competent child".

For our 3.5 year old we do use a combination of timeouts (go sit on the couch, stand in the bedroom, I don't want to play with you) for particularly bad things, but often it's just explaining that it makes us sad or upset and don't want to play if you throw things/push your sister/take the toy after I told you not to/whatever.

Keep it simple, but still explain that you don't want X and it makes you upset/unable to play/ -- don't just yell "don't throw the legos!"

I'd also look at if there are other things you can do differently (does he watch TV? What games does he play? How is his routine? Does he need more/different attention/activities/direction? etc etc).

Answer 6

First, it may help to think hard about why he's misbehaving. Is he being naughty to get attention, whether the attention is negative or positive? Is he going through any difficult life changes (moving, divorce, new siblings, loss of a loved one, etc), having a hard time adjusting to preschool, etc? Having a hard time sharing his feelings or otherwise expressing himself? Understanding why he misbehaves may help you tailor an approach to working through any root causes that are encouraging the behavior.

Aside from that you can choose between rewarding and encouraging good behavior and/or punishing undesirable behavior. Don't ignore good behavior, make sure he's recognized and rewarded for it. What kinds of rewards and recognition is up to you. It might be hugs and kisses and words of affirmation, it may be m&ms or a yummy treat, it could be a toy, or a sticker on a sticker chart toward earning a prize he's excited about. What motivates one child is different than what motivates another. The point is that if you make such a big fuss and give him attention for positive behaviors, he may start to seek attention by doing good things rather than seek attention by naughty things.

As far as discouraging naughty behaviors, if he's seeking attention by being naughty, a punishment that eliminates attention may be an effective choice, and should be conducted in such a way that he's not getting rewarded with attention for misbehavior. If isolation or being ignored is not effective (it could just be too similar to a regular time-out), loss of privilege could also be chosen. Perhaps a favorite toy goes into time out instead of him. At 3, he's still young enough the consequence probably needs to be immediate for him to draw the connection with the behavior and the result, so loss of desert or not going to the playground later in the day may not be effective.

Also, remember to be clear and consistent about rules. Give him a clear spoken warning that if he continues or repeats a specific bad behavior, x will be the consequence, and then make sure you follow through so he knows you mean what you say and that your will can't be bent to match his will. It would also not hurt to suggest an alternative good behavior to do instead. "no don't hit daddy, give daddy a big hug!"

Role-playing good behavior and bad behavior might also be helpful.

Answer 7

How about making it official? When the child is calm and you have some alone time, talk to him about this behavior and ask him what he thinks about it, and when you get to a point that he agrees that the action isn't a good choice.

After that ask him to draw a chart where you track the opposite behavior each day. So you can write: Not Throwing things at others: Monday : x,x,x Tuesday xxx

At the end of the day if he gets to 5, 10 stars he gets what he likes, activity or something else special. I encourage my kids to do things properly by tracking it for a few weeks and they get the point. Then I phase it out until it's needed again.

Answer 8

I have had kids that respond to time out and kids that don't. For me it depends on the behaviour, but in general what happens to him at the end of time out? Forcing him to say I am sorry for... makes him own the behavior and he may not come out of time out (after the 1 min. for each year of age) until he is ready to say it. I had one daughter stay in time out for 45 min. because she refused to apologize. But... if time out still doesn't work, my other suggestion comes from the book Love and Logic. Depending on the behavior give a punishment that fits the crime. For example:

My daughter argued with me and therefore made me too tired to vacum the floor so she had to do it while I rested.

My daughter hit her brother so she then needs to make it up to him by doing one of his chores.

My daughter jumps on the couch she must then clean the couch to fix what she did.

My daughter refused to do a requested action she much do the action, apologize, and do something else she doesn't like to do to demonstrate that she knows how to listen.

I hope that helps.

Answer 9

It sounds to me like he doesn't much care that you're tired and don't have the energy to play with him, and he has a point. If he isn't getting the attention from you that he wants and needs, he'll keep trying until he succeeds. There is really no punishment that will fix this. And really, if you have to spend time with him dealing with problems, you might as we try preemptively dealing with him in a positive way to avoid the problems. It might be as simple as spending twenty minutes with him and a box of crayons in the evening.