My partner and I have a 3 year old biological son and a foster 3 year old girl that's been full-time with us for 10 months. I'll gloss over the details, but I have never developed any attachment nor have I felt love for the little girl. I have still acted as a dad for her as best as I could, but it has drained me and I've had a burnout. As a result I told my partner that I would stop being responsible for her, and minimize my time around her, until I figure a way to not be so unhappy in her presence. My partner lives with her mother and I live 5 mins away, we've always been both quite independent of each other - so this arrangement is something that works for us currently.
Obviously things could be better. I see my partner and my son less as a result of this arrangement. If I can manage to spend time with this little girl without being mentally exhausted, it's all the better for everyone. I see three ways this could happen:
- I somehow become able to tolerate the behavioral issues of this little girl
- We find a way to discipline her so she behaves
- She begins feeling securely attached
On (1): I don't have any idea of how to proceed. I am able to stay cool in the face of the occasional tantrums from my son. But when it comes from her, I am way more susceptible. She is constantly demanding for attention in whatever way possible and it drives me crazy. Without feeling attached to her, I don't see how I could withstand that on a regular basis. Even if I were to work on some anger management, it wouldn't help with the mental exhaustion. I have been thinking of therapy but I don't see exactly which kind, considering that my reaction is fairly normal.
On (2): I am biased but I think that the way I do it works. I am caring but strict. I will give her affection during bonding time, and never when she asks for it in an excessive or inappropriate manner. After a couple of months together, she has come to behave like a regular child when I am alone with her, and I can tolerate her then. But it only works if it's just the two of us. My partner is not as strict, as her attachment to her is different and as she does not want to feel cruel in difficult times. The little girl knows that and she will regularly push my partner to the extreme so she can get attention. When we're looking from professional advice, we essentially get told to bear with it. That we should tell her that her behavior is inappropriate and that she matters to us without needing her to draw our attention to us. But isolating her as punishment is supposedly a no-no, and that's the only thing I can do not to go insane. We've been following these guidelines for weeks, and I don't see any change happening in her.
On (3): I have tried many things. I read a book on attachment issues. We've been to parent-child bonding activities together. We've seen quite a few professionals. Still, this girl is only preoccupied by whether her foster mom or dad are paying attention to her. We've been told that 10 months living with us is nothing, that it'll take many more years to maybe get there. I am in denial about that. I refuse to believe that there isn't a way a child who has been separated from her parents can chill out with her new family after a couple of months. How ridiculous is the human condition that a child with attachment issues will do precisely the things that put them at risk of not being kept in their foster family? I get that she's testing us but to what point? It's not helping her situation.
A couple of notes:
- My partner sees this child as her own, and has no plans of sending her away ever.
- I make no bets in what the future will be. I could get attached to this girl. I could also not be attached, but become able to tolerate her. The current arrangement I have with my partner could last also a long time.
- There are currently no tensions with the way things are. All four of us are doing ok. Given our way of life, there would be nothing to gain in a proper separation with my partner.
