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My son is almost 6 and is very choosy and in everything he cries, I saw him playing in school (as U.K. school doesn't allow parents to go in and see their kids) but now I came to my home country and my son is being really mean. In past I posted that all he does is watch is iPad/mobile all day.

Recently my wife saw him in the playground and everyone was playing but he couldn't find friends and wasn't getting involved. My wife cried and said 'He is like you, and I do not want him to be like you' which hurt me a lot but she stuck to it, she said u don't mix up with people, chat or laugh and I do not want my son to be like you.

My son just wanna watch an iPad all day, sure there is a language barrier as my home country speaks a different language than English but our son understand that language but cannot speak and his moodiness is really getting on his nerves and so is his eating habit because he starts crying all of the time if pushed.

What can I do as a father to help him not be like me because I do have my flaws? The worse statement I heard about my son was from my brother that 'your son looks depressed' upon which I really wanted to scream.

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I think you need to start by understanding yourself better. Only then can you help your son.

From what you say, it sounds like you and your son are both introverts. This is not a flaw, it is simply a different way of being, like being left handed instead of right handed. However this can be difficult because society generally values extroversion more than introversion. School in particular. You need to watch out for signs that your son is being bullied, because the lone kid standing on one side is an obvious target.

Trying to make an introvert into an extrovert is a bad idea. It embeds the idea that being an introvert is "wrong" somehow, and forces the introverted person to go against their nature all the time. It sounds like this is what has happened to you, and you need to understand and accept this. Then you can avoid repeating the pattern with your son. You also need to get your wife on-side with this. Help her to understand how you feel and think, and then she will be better able to help your son.

However there is value in learning to cope with social situations. Treat social situations as practical problems which can be solved by learning how to negotiate them. Also, see if your son can spot any other kids who are loners, and see if he can make friends with them.

You say your son "cannot speak". I'm not sure from what you say exactly what you mean. Do you mean he can't speak the local language even though he understands it? Could that be because he doesn't feel confident? No doubt he has a foreign accent, and maybe he even sounds babyish to local ears because he is so unpracticed at speaking. That can make him a target of mockery and exclusion at school, which will make him reluctant to say anything. If this is the only problem then perhaps some elocution lessons will help him to blend in better. If the cause is something deeper then I think you need professional help. Selective mutism is a recognised condition, and treatment is available. In the meantime not practising speaking means he isn't improving, and that is only going to make the problem worse.

Talk to his school teachers and find out what is happening there. I have little doubt that his experience of school is not a good one, and that is doubtless making him unhappy. Also try to get him to talk to you about his life and his feelings. Talk about yourself as well, and help him to see how you cope with life. If he can see himself in you then that will help his self confidence, and also help him to trust you with his problems.

The above is pretty general and vague because its hard to tell more from what you say. Perhaps after you talk to your son and his teachers you will have a clearer idea of what the problems are and you can ask about them in further questions.

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  • when I say "cannot speak", I mean he cannot speak Urdu where I am visiting my family. The most hurtful comment made was by my brother saying "he seem depressed". I know Urdu-speaking people don't have the right words but I been hearing that "he is suppressed", "u guys have pressurized him a lot". Sometimes I just wanna cry. My family never understood me in 37 years and till now I struggle to tell them a simple thing 'why I don't eat something or why I cannot trim my nails' and these are people who raised me. My brother got 10 yr old who act like 4 yrs and my son and her isn't getting on well
    – localhost
    Oct 28 at 15:27
  • What annoy me most my son get too crazy with his uncle who isn't a good influence but he let him do all crazy stuff and that is concern for me because we live together in our house and I feel like he is attributing to his character i.e. whenever he want to play he get all wild and when he is not in the mood and my son does something foolish he scolds him bad and my wife say let our son be confident enough to answer back but I am afarid he might get rude in the process.
    – localhost
    Oct 28 at 15:33
  • @localhost I'm reluctant to mention this, but some of the things you have said sound to me like you might be on the autistic spectrum, specifically what used to be called Aspergers Syndrome. I didn't mention it in my answer as I am not a medical professional and long-range diagnosis is frowned upon here (for good reason). You can read up on it here: webmd.com/brain/autism/mental-health-aspergers-syndrome . But remember that this is just a guess and I might be completely wrong. Nov 1 at 16:25

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