I dont know what to do anymore. I have had to put up with the abuse from my mom my entire life. I've tried to talk to her, I've tried counseling,but nothing seems to work. The situation Im in has caused me to be severely depressed and I have PTSD from her physically and verbally abusing me. When I told her that her response was ¨dont let them label you¨ or "dont tell them that or else they´ll take you away from me¨.
My mother has been hitting me at least since I was four. And yelling at me since before then. Just today, I saw she was staring at me and asked her to stop. She yelled that I complain about everything and I dont get the privilegde to ask her not to stare at me. Then she saw I was mad and told me to ¨cut the attitude¨. Furthermore, she once hit me for saying stop after her throwing a toy at me trying to wake me up.
Because of this I often have suicidal thoughts and cut myself. I've had many suicide attempts and after I fail she talks to me about how much she cares about me, which is very hard to believe, and makes it all about her. She did the same thing when she saw the cuts on my arms. Not once did she ask me why I did it or try to understand what I'm feeling. One time she hit me while I was intoxicated because of the pills I had swallowed.
The only solutions I can come up with are running away, or calling the police, but even that is risky because I have a one year old sister and am worried about what will happen to her if I leave her im my mother's custody (she´s a single mom) or call the authorities considering I'm a minor. Even so, I do not want to live with her anymore.
After everything I've said, I still can't blame her because she was abused by my grandmother (worse than me) and I don't want to be seen as ungrateful. I am on the verge of doing something I might regret, so If someone could please help me figure out this situation I would deeply appreciate it.