Why are my parents fighting so much when I mention how my day went at school my mom says thats great and then i use the bathroom and i come back to the table they are screaming at each other my mom wonders why i spend so much time in my room and i tell her then she tucks me in then i hear more screaming whats happening?!?

  • Hi there - I have closed this - as Paul said, we cannot tell what the cause is. – Rory Alsop Dec 19 '20 at 15:33

We can't tell why your parents are arguing so much; maybe they are worried about money, or work, or something else. These are stressful times for many people. Often when people are stressed they become irritable, which is itself irritating and stressful for the people around them. You are experiencing this yourself, its just that you don't react by shouting at them.

So it can happen that married people start to find each other really irritating and stressful, but they can't escape each other. You can just retreat to your own room, but they probably don't have their own rooms to go to, and they also need to cooperate on looking after you, keeping the house, going shopping etc.

This is a difficult and upsetting time for you, and I can only give you three pieces of advice.

  1. Stay out of it. Do not take sides or start shouting at them yourself. Your parents shouldn't ask you to take sides, but if they do then you should refuse to play their game. Your parents are, regrettably, behaving like children. That means you need to think about how an adult (not a parent) would behave, rather than imitating them. (If you are interested, there is a theory called "Transactional Analysis" about how people behave like children, adults and parents at different times).

  2. Remember that this is not your fault (assuming you are not acting up in a way that would cause serious concern, such as regularly breaking the law). Its very easy to start thinking "if only I'd done the washing up / cleaned my room / passed that test they wouldn't be arguing like this". That way of thinking is incorrect. Even if an argument is about you on the surface, underneath its really about their relationship.

  3. If your parents should break up, which I'm sure you must be concerned about, then you should respect their decision. I'm sure you would prefer them to be happy rather than miserable, so if they find they are happier apart then you should be happy for them too. Of course you would prefer it if they were happier together, but I'm afraid that life doesn't always do what we want.

Depending on where you live there may be other adults, such as teachers or religious leaders, who you can talk to in private about your troubles. If you can then that would be a good idea.

Good luck, and stay strong.

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