Should I allow my children's father to see his kids?

Question

So my children's father loves his kids, he asks to see them. He was always really good with the kids when we were together. Here's the issue: we broke up 3 years ago, and since then he has been to jail (short durations, nothing major) 3 times and has started dating his now girlfriend. I found pictures in his phone of her in compromising situations as well as an email that had payment information for sex. He brought them to a hotel on Father's Day weekend where his girlfriend was being photographed in compromising situations with a male. This is when I stopped allowing visitation.

I also saw him bagging up weed on FaceTime with the kids. So now I have taken all communication away until he meets some common guidelines that he will not do.

My daughter has been very distraught about this and asks about him all the time. Like I said he was always an amazing father and never had me question him before, but I just don't know if it's better to keep him away altogether or let him be a part of their life but a bad example.

Answer 1

Your children should be able to see their father on a regular basis. But you're right that you have to ensure their safety. You should consult a family lawyer or - if available in your country - a non-profit organization that offers help for families. They will know solutions to this problem like e.g. court supervised visits.

Answer 2

I will assume that the legal question raised elsewhere is not an issue. My understanding of your question is that you currently have a contact ban that is being respected (legally enforcible or not), and that your question only concerns whether this is the right thing for your child.

I certainly don't hold that any father is better than no father. Their mutual right to contact is, I think, secondary to your obligation to provide a safe environment for your children. I also don't think all unlawful behaviour must necessarily disqualify you as a parent, but that ultimately depends on your ability to keep those two worlds separate, which your children's father has demonstrably failed to do, that father's day weekend.

So I absolutely agree with your call to disallow visitations. That is simply not an environment suitable for children. If in the future it isn't respected, I would pursue legal options. I also think it is especially damning that the father and his new girlfriend both have a destructive relationship to sexuality, and presumably associate with other people with similar views. These are not the adult role models that should be in your children's lives. Besides the visitation ban, you need to counter any damage already done in this domain, by for instance age appropriate discussions on the problem with prostitution and human trafficking.

As regards your daughter, who is distraught about his absence, you need to work on explaining why he can't be in their life. Avoid talk of him being a bad person or a bad influence, and focus the discussion on the fact that he is doing bad things, and there's a real risk he'll be putting them in harm's way.

Answer 3

Believe legal and safety issues have been adequately covered and want to add short comment believe is most certainly relevant. Children don't need a big brother or playmate in their life - they need a father in their life. And it comes across to me that (perhaps) he is acting more like a big brother (not a father) to them. You don't need a third child in your life. Perhaps he is not motivated enought (at this time) to be able to do that for them. But if shoe fits, call him on it. Don't put up with it.

Good Luck