How should parents handle dominant behaviour of toddler towards other children?

Question

My daugther is almost 17 month old which is our first child and she is not in kindergarten yet (starts in two month). Whenever we go with her on a playground or meet her neighboring friend (same age) she behaves very dominant. This behavior includes:

• taking away toys - even from much older children (4-5 years old)
• claiming all kind of objects from the moment her peers hold them
• trying to hug and snuggle other children
• when we offer fruits to all children she tries to eat all at once

So far she has never been violent in the sense of hitting or scratching other children. So we think this is not a problematic thing. Still, we are asking ourselves how to deal with this kind of behavior.

We talked to several friends, read about it and talked to the pediatrist and what we hear is mostly "Kindergarten will balance this out through social interaction". Meaning we should not handle this at all and let her be.

I sometimes tend to interrupt her when she shows this behavior, but I am not sure if this affects her negatively e. g. by stopping her beeing exotroverted and open minded.

Are there other opinions or similar experiences?

Answer 1

In America, this is referred to as "The Terrible Twos". You just got to start early, while some kids don't hit it until they're three or so.

It's pretty normal behavior for kids that age. They don't understand the concept of sharing, fair play, or being nice. It's all about "What's mine is mine, what's yours is mine, anything I see is mine, I didn't want it but I see you playing with it so it's mine, even if I don't want it it's mine. It's mine, it's mine, it's MINE!!!" At that age, the universe does, in fact, revolve around your daughter - from her perspective.

Also, verbal skills are very limited at this age, so even if she wanted to nicely ask for it she probably doesn't have the ability to do so in an way that's understandable to others. i.e. even as her parents - the ones who know her the best - it probably still takes you a while to figure out what the screaming, crying, grunting and pointing really mean. Another toddler or pre-school aged child won't have a clue what she's on about.

Gentle correction is all that's necessary. Most other parents will have watched their kids go through that stage too and if they see you taking some action, reasonable adults won't take offense because they've been there and know that you cannot control your child's behavior at that age. Of course, if hitting, kicking, scratching, biting start you must take immediate action to stop it so the other kid doesn't get hurt, but taking toys is the first step in learning to share toys.

Answer 2

When a child does something that makes another child feel bad, whether violence or just selfish behavior (which is basically what you're describing), my go-to at any age is to show the child how the other child feels. Ask her to look at the other child's face, which is presumably sad, and point out why.

This does two things. It helps to emphasize the emotions to your child, which helps develop her sense of empathy, and it also ties the action more concretely to the emotion - otherwise it's up to her to figure out the cause and effect.

Answer 3

This feels like very normal behaviour for an only child of 17 months; and the paediatrician is right that socialisation will solve most of the issues.

That said, you're the parents, so while it's the school's job to handle this when the child is in their care, it's your job by default.

To be honest, all you're seeing here is the standard impulse control problem of "I want X, and I don't really acknowledge the needs of others" which is very normal for children of that age.

Taking the behaviours in turn:

• Taking away toys - even from much older children (4-5 years old)
• claiming all kind of objects from the moment her peers hold them

Here you should definitely be returning the toys to the children. Don't necessarily tell your child off, but make it clear that the other child's claim is important. After a certain period (your choice), tell them that they can ask for a turn with the toy.

• trying to hug and snuggle other children

This is about teaching her personal boundaries. If a child seems uncomfortable with her getting too close, take her away from them and apologise to them.

• when we offer fruits to all children she tries to eat all at once

Again, in this case, you again need to make sure that she understands that the fruits are for everyone. Maybe make her responsible for handing them out?

You're basically just teaching her how to behave towards people in general. Try and model good behaviour and let her know what the right behaviour is.