How to deal with parents that enforce a curfew on an adult

Question

So my parents, especially my mother, feel the need to control many aspects of my life because "I'm not responsible", which is at least partially true. Completely ignoring the fact that I'm never going to learn responsibility if they don't let up, my main gripe with them currently is that they enforce a curfew even though I'm 23. They've been doing this for years and I'm stuck with them because of my various medical issues which force me to rely on them financially. The reason they cite for enforcing a curfew is the fact that I get moody if I don't get enough sleep. That is also true but beside the point.

Currently, the internet shuts off at 10 pm and the online pathfinder group I'm in normally goes for 1-2 hours after I'm forced to leave. I've talked it out with them and they don't mind, but I do mind. In fact, until about a year ago my curfew was 8 pm the only way I could get them to extend was by citing the fact that too much sleep is also bad for me and saying the 12 hours I was getting at that point was too much. This is one of the many problems I have with them but it's the most prominent one currently.

Answer 1

I also had parents that enforced curfew and rules on me past the time that it would normally be expected (until I completed college), and the thing that helped most was proving that I had moved past the need for external rules. Moving past the need for rules doesn't mean "too old to be expected to obey", but "able to know what the right thing is and do it under my own motivation (and willing to take responsibility for the outcome if I choose wrong)".

It is somewhat true that the only way to learn is to have the freedom to fail, but you definitely have wiggle room to show that you can be responsible within the current situation. For example, when your parents say "you can be moody if you don't sleep enough", that could be a nice way of saying, "being around you can be unpleasant for me when you don't sleep enough".

Prove them wrong. When you are in a bad mood and tired, don't take it out on them. Deal with it in a healthy, adult way. Take a nap or a walk, do some deep breathing, go to bed early, whatever works for you. Accept that your mood is your problem and the result of your choice, and that feeling not-great is not a reason or excuse for being snappy or prickly towards others.

Easier said than done, but very much the least-conflict and most effective way forward in my experience. If taking moods out on others is standard in your family, you may actually need to do even better than your parents.

The same principle applies to any rule that you have outgrown. For example, if your parents have a set chore schedule for you and that feels too childish, take initiative to participate in household work and maintenance in a more adult way- without being asked, and when you notice something needs done.

Try your best to act as the adult you want to be, the adult others will want to be when they grow up. Not only will you prove that you don't need to be treated as a child, this is a challenge that can be highly personally satisfying and generally improve your life.

If you've done this for a while and it doesn't seem like things are changing in your favor, you at the least have good material for a calm conversation where you remind them that at this point you've clearly outgrown these rules, and examples you can point to that prove you already act more responsibly than the minimum the rules are meant to enforce.

Answer 2

I suggest that you critically examine your own question. Because if you think about it logically, it doesn't make a lot of sense.

You start with the statement(s) that you a 23 year old adult... Well yeah, so what? That means you can legally vote, buy booze, and watch porn. You seem to be implying that "adulthood" somehow confers you wit magical rights. It doesn't, in fact you have less rights and more responsibilities.

Firstly, it's your parents internet, and they can turn it off at any time they like.

Unfortunately your claim "I'm never going to learn responsibility if they don't let up" simply demonstrates your lack of maturity

The irony is that you want to claim some form of benefit from being "grown up" that you wouldn't even want, if you actually had.

And the joke of this is, that with an internet spanning the globe, you can play your RPG at any time of the day. Simply adjust your body clock, its not that hard.

I don't know what your medical conditions are, and I DO sympathise with anything that obviously renders you financially dependent. All I can suggest is that you try to make plans for the future, and think of ways to use your time productively. Maybe learn some skills, and try picking up some work via freelancer or similar.

Answer 3

Use your mobile phone data when the Internet goes off.

Leaving aside the interpersonal issues that some other answers have suggested, there's a very easy technical solution for this problem.

If you have a mobile phone with a suitable level of mobile data, you can use it as a substitute for your family's internet connection. Simply plug your phone's charging cable into one of your computer's USB ports, or activate its WiFi hotspot functionality and connect your computer to the resulting WiFi network. Either way, you'll be able to continue using your computer to access the Internet after the house's Internet connection goes down. I have done this myself, when the house's Internet connection goes down because something's gone wrong at the ISP.

Answer 4

because of my various medical issues which force me to rely on them financially

My main question here is whether you are purely relying on them financially. If you would be capable of fully-independent living, then that's one thing. If you are dependent on them for some elements of your personal care due to your medical issues, answers to this question would be very different!

I'm assuming that you don't have medical issues which require frequent medical/personal-care interventions from other people. Depending on your medical issues then, many employers (especially in the customer-service area; Target or places like that) will offer part-time work which may be suitable. Most countries/states also have some degree of social security benefits, especially if you have medical issues which prevent you from working. This will not give you a high income, certainly not to the level which would finance a house like your parents'. However it will give you some income, demonstrate your ability to be independent, and even potentially allow you to move out. Chances are you'll be renting a small apartment, or perhaps renting a room in a shared house. Your parents may be prepared to subsidise you a bit if they can - after all, they aren't paying for your food and electricity bills any more. We all started that way.

If there aren't medical reasons why you can't do that, then you are staying at home because you have chosen not to be independent.

If there are medical reasons why you can't do that though, then I'm afraid there are also medical reasons why your parents are limiting your independence. In that case the conversation also needs to include how your medical issues affect how much independence is practical for you.

Answer 5

As a purely technical solution: if you are located in the United States, find a group that is located in the Great Britain - they'll play by their local time zone, on which midnight comes earlier.

Answer 6

Maybe instead of expecting things all at once you should try gradually earning their trust.

Ask for something small, like each week you get 5 extra minutes, but if you get "moody" or whatever you give up those 5 minutes for a week and then try again.

Also changing your sleeping habits all at once may set you up for failure. An extra hour all of a sudden may actually cause moodiness problems, where as a gradual increase won't be as jarring.

Answer 7

I can totally understand what you are going through. My parents were super strict with me growing up. They tried to shelter and control as many aspects of my life for as long as I can remember, however I continued to work hard in school and my part time job to make the best of the situation. Instead of arguing with them about curfews, rules, chores etc. I instead used that energy to save up as much money as possible so that can I move out (with the intention of never moving back in) and I was able to do that by the age of 22. Now as an almost **cough cough 30 year old with an infant daughter,I can totally understand that my parents just wanted me to be safe and focus more on my education.

If moving out isn't in your near future, figure out a strategy to gain their trust. Slowly start taking more initiative and responsibility to show that you're an adult.. for example the biggest game changer for me was getting a job in addition to being in school full-time. I am not sure about the medical issues you have, so maybe do some research to see if there are some remote part-time positions that you can balance and of course are safe for you to fulfill.

Best of luck!

Answer 8

Consider yourself well off. They are putting rules because they care. You are actually well off here, I know of others with curfews and rules that may seem for children but they are just house rules. Meg and Floyd gave good answers at the top and if you live at some hostels or organisations like the army you have more strict rules. Behave as an adult and treat them as you would like to be treated and you may very well benefit from better circumstances.

Answer 9

While you live with your parents you adhere to their rules. Think of it from their point of view. They committed to looking after your every whim until you were 18 and could look after yourself but they're still doing it 5 years later. If you're immature enough (and I don't mean that in a bad way) that you still haven't worked out how to handle yourself when you've not had a good nights sleep, or indeed how to get a good nights sleep because you know you'll be moody, then I don't think you need question why your parents put limitations on you. I'm severely physically disabled, and autistic. I've run a home and had a family since I was 17 years old. I'm not saying I'm better than you, we are equal, just that you need to realise that unless you're severely mentally impaired, you're responsible for your own life once you reach adulthood. You should be paying for your own house and your own internet and your own finances. Because you can't do just now, and your parents have been kind enough to continue doing so for you, then you need to realise that you're not going to get to just live the life of riley scott free in their home, giving them attitude because you can't be grown up enough to go to bed at the right time.